“Drill! Drill!” President Bush shouted as the people put together the drilling equipment.
“What are you doing in my house?” Harry Reid demanded as he walked up to Bush.
“I lifted the ban on off-shore drilling, and I’m starting with your house,” Bush said.
“My house isn’t off-shore!”
Bush shrugged. “I was going to move your house off shore and then drill it, but that seemed excessive.”
“Why do you want to drill my house?!”
“Because I hate you, stupid.” Bush punched Reid in the face, knocking him to the ground. “You’re stupid!”
“I’ll get you for this!” Reid ran off.
“And do what? Get me thrown out of office within a year? Lower my approval ratings.” Bush chuckled and made a call on his cell phone. “How’s the drilling in San Francisco going? …Well, if any hippies start to give you trouble, just drill in their heads… Of course it’s legal. I told you you could do it, so it’s legal!” Bush hung up the phone and walked over to Dick Cheney. “So do you think we’ll strike oil soon?”
“With all the drilling we’re doing, it’s inevitable,” Cheney said. “And then we’ll steal it and watch the puny humans suffer!”
“No!” Bush yelled. “We’re supposed to get more oil so the American people will love me again and burn Democrats in tribute to me.”
“Halliburton was under the assumption this was an evil, no-bid drilling contract,” Cheney explained. “If you want them not to be evil, that costs extra.”
“How much extra?”
“Twenty percent.”
Bush thought about that. “That’s too much. Well, if the American people really are going to elect Obama, I guess they deserve to suffer.”
“Whatever. I’m way passed the point of feeling I need to justify my action.” Cheney rubbed his hands together greedily. “I love evil!”
Bush shrugged. “Evil is alright. Time to try and explain things to the press.”
Cheney continued to watch the drilling equipment. “Puppets are in the car.”
“Obama is such a tool. I want to cut his nuts off.”
“Uh… the mike is on,” one of the reporters said.
“Why do you think I’m reading the teleprompter?” Bush shouted in response. He looked back to the prompter. “But enough about Obama’s nuts; I’m here to talk about drilling. People don’t like high gas prices, so the obvious thing to do is drill for more oil. Anyone who whines about gas prices and isn’t for drilling is a stupid annoying person who should be drilled in the head — maybe by one of those flying silver sphere things from the horror movie Phantasm. Did you see that? Anyway, we should make those and release them at the Democrat National Convention. That would be fun.” Bush stared at the screen for a second. “I guess that’s all I wrote. Any questions?”
“Are you going to drill in ANWR?” a reporter asked.
“Why wouldn’t we? Who would stop us? Moose? Eskimos? We can handle them. I’m thinking we’ll also drill in Canada. I hear they have oil there and they don’t have any use for it because they’re not technologically advanced enough.”
“Will we be drilling in Iraq?”
Bush looked confused. “There’s oil there?”
“What about research into alternative fuels,” another reporter asked.
“I have a clock that runs on a potato,” Bush said. “It’s pretty neat.”
“I mean how about paying others to do research into alternative fuel?”
“Oh. Well, we’re doing that. The drill we’re using in Yellowstone runs on ethanol. With research like that, we’ll be able to continue to drill for oil even if we run out of oil.”
“What about alternative fuels for cars?”
“It’s has always been the position of my administration that that is gay.” He checked his watch. “I’m getting tired of this. Is my presidency over yet?”
Pure vintage Frank. Truly a bipartisan, across the aisle kind of pundit, lampooning politicians of all stripes.
I think I plagiarized that statement. Seemed appropriate.
What can be said about the content? It is less important than how it made me FEEL.
Pure vintage Frank. Truly a bipartisan, across the aisle kind of pundit, lampooning politicians of all stripes.
I think I plagiarized that statement. Seemed appropriate.
What can be said about the content? It is less important than how it made me FEEL.
The Green Sabatour Luddite Anti-Prayer
Oh my holy entropic energy god please listen to my prayers…..
Atomic energy is great. We need to drill on the coasts and in ANWR for oil We need to keep researching all the alternative energy possibilities. We need the Chevy Volt. Please help T. Boone Pickens and others like him develop his plan. Please burn the ecotards and use the waste heat to generate electricity! Banish all the green sabatour luddites to islands where only liberals live. Let them sell expensive lattes and ride unicorns to work for I do not want to live in a cave. Do not force me to do research about cow farts. Let them first live as they advocate others do before legislating a carbon free dark age. Do not let their false god bend me to my knees for their religion of global warming. Do not let their strange neurotic germanic environmental worship take over my government for the germans also have preoccupation with feces and I am not anal retentive.
I haven’t gotten into Hellbender yet, but it can’t be better than the above scenario, especially the part where Harry Reid gets punched in the face. Now I hafta go catch up on the previous IMWs.
One typo: should be “I’m way past the point“…not “passed.” Homonyms are your friend.
#3: Amen.
That right there is comedy gold!
This IS the Frank I knew!!! Great post. I like the ethanol-powered drilling rig. Besides corn-based ethanol, I also hear a lot about cellulosic ethanol. But what about some kind of lipid-based ethanol? There are enough oversized buttocks on lazy liberals that we’d be well fueled for years.
Reid getting punched in the face = Comedy Gold
OH YEAH!! That’s the Frank we know!
Why’d it take the passing of Tony Snow to get you motivated? We’ll off McClellan if you can make Cheney sic Chomps on Obama and Michelle for trying to steal his hunting rifle.
We are not worthy, Frank. Can I come live in your world?
These posts get much better if you can picture Bush’s accent and body language when you’re reading his lines.
Heh.
Too bad Karl Rove & the Rumsfeld Strangler are out of the picture, but I’d love to see you bring back Buck the Marine!
That would be aging hippies.