Nuclear Robots

NASA is thinking of sending a nuclear robot to Titan, one of the moons of Saturn. Usually I’m all for space exploration because, as Americans, we own the universe, but wouldn’t we have more use for nuclear robots hear on Earth? Think of how all the Taliban hiding in caves would react to a nuclear robot being deployed to Afghanistan.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “Would a nuclear robot be tactically advantageous in Afghanistan?” I think you’re missing the point, though. It’s a nuclear robot. And if we sent it to Afghanistan the same way we would have sent it to Titan — by launching it into orbit in a rocket and then letting it crash land — then it will be a nuclear robot from space. You don’t think tactics here; when you have that, you use it.

This is just like the other things we need for our military to bring it into the 22nd century: space lasers and dinosaurs with mounted rocket launchers. We need to deploy them as soon as possible because that’s how you get real peace — not made up, unicorn peace they believe in in Oslo — but the actual peace where your enemies bow down and worship you as an angry god.

There should be only one question we should be asking right now: If we know how to make a nuclear robot, then why isn’t it right now killing people we don’t like?

14 Comments

  1. A nuclear robot attacking the Taliban is a win-win situation. Either the robot kills terrorists non-stop until they go extinct or one day the Taliban finds a way to destroy it. But if they destroy it they’ll celebrate for like 10 seconds and then look at each other and say “Hey, don’t nuclear robots explode like nuclear bombs when you destroy them?” And then nobody would say anything because they’d all be vaporized.

  2. I’d say that the Nuclear Robot being sent to the Saturnian moon, Titan,might anger the Saturnian Surrender Monkeys, but they’re already in exile on Uranus.
    Reading further reveals that the ‘Nuclear Robot’ is a ‘Windjammer’ boat, not a search-and-destroy nuclear robot. So if the Saturnian Surrender Monkeys ever return
    from Uranus, they could sail around the lakes of Titan, courtesy of NASA.

  3. Isn’t Saturn an unlit star? Wouldn’t nuclear detonation help it to be come a star and not just a gaseous planet?
    Pros: – It would end this friggin’ cold winter shit in New Hampshire that only seems to be getting worse.
    – 24 hours of sunlight – I could mow my lawn at 2am.
    – it would end that pesky little clause in the hunting rules “1/2 hour before sunrise to 1/2 hour after sunset.” (not that night isn’t the best time to hit the woods)
    – real global warming
    – too hot for bikinis at the beach
    Cons: – more friggin’ global warming whining.
    – real global warming.
    – my fat, naked ass at the beach (but that would be your problem)

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