Archive of entries posted on April 2010

Everybody Is a Nazi!

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The left were recently saying how invidious Nazi comparisons that a single protest sign by a Lyndon LaRouche supporter that compared Obama to Hitler got a ton of notice, but look what’s happened since the Arizona illegal immigration bill passed.

THE LEFT HAVE TO WATCH THEIR RHETORIC BEFORE THEY GET SOMEONE KILLED!!!!11!!!11!!1!!!!elventy1!!1

…or something.

Isn’t comparing everyone who disagrees with you to Nazis a Nazi tactic? I mean, the Nazis would compare anyone they disagreed with to whoever what the most hated group at the time to avoid rational discussion and keep things on an emotional level; that’s what comparisons to Nazis these days is. Why if the Nazis had hatred of Nazis to use in their propaganda, they’d be unstoppable!

Anyway, here’s a point of comparison you should look for before you make the Nazi comparison: GENOCIDE!

Yes, the Nazi’s were uber-patriotic, socialist, and wore shiny boots, but I don’t think any of those things were the reasons they are thought of as especially evil in history… you know, compared to the genocide. I thought the genocide was the really bad thing, but maybe I’m just focusing on the wrong stuff.

New IMAO T-Shirt! Top 10 Democrat Party Slogans

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I bet a few of you figured this out when you read how scientists are working on a t-shirt that is bulletproof and radiation-proof, but it’s finally time for a new IMAO t-shirt!

Go! Buy now!

It’s been a while since I came out with a new shirt, so you’ve probably all been walking around shirtless. But no more! Now you can bring IMAO with you everywhere in shirt form!

So what are the advantages of the Top 10 Democrat Party Slogans t-shirt, you ask? Here they are:

FACTS ABOUT NEW IMAO T-SHIRT:

* It counts as proof of citizenship in Arizona.

* It infuses all your hugs with extra love.

* It’s the perfect attire for a Tea Party to make sure people don’t mistake you for one of those Tea Partiers who supports what the Democrats are doing.

* If Obama sees one, it will upset him so much the he won’t finish his waffles.

* It will give you bursts of SUPER DOUBLE EXTRA GENIUS so you can know what it’s like to be me.

* It will give you the power to spot ninjas.

* Liberals will not be able to accuse you of being violent or racist, as they will be struck dead by the great power that protects the shirt and its wearer.

* If you buy one, I will be your very best friend.

So buy one now! Or two! Or three! And please note that a portion of the proceeds for every shirt purchased will go towards the IMAO baby so we don’t have to dress him in old potato sacks.

Random Thoughts

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How about instead of figuring out who technically is or isn’t a journalist, we all just get the same rights?

It’s pretty hard to tell if the AZ law actually is bad through the hysterical overreactions.

I’ll believe Congress is serious about handling the cause of the financial mess when they all commit seppuku.

I can never tell high praise from mockery.

Frank Missed One

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Feature of the new $100 bill that is.

I was watching the video that explains all the fancy features of the new currency, and there (about 3/4 of the way through) I saw it – the single best line from the Declaration of Independence, clear as day, right over the number:

“That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government”

It’s like every $100 bill has a Tea Party commercial printed on it.

Don’t tell Obama.

lolterizt! Part 106

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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


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From Stephen:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From me (Harvey):

From David:

From Terry_Jim of The Lazy Half S Ranch:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with (hat tip Stephen):

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Don’t Tread on Me… Or What?

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Rattlesnake are anti-treading.

Seen a lot of the old American slogan of “Don’t tread on me.” The only thing is that it’s kind of an incomplete statement. Why shouldn’t people tread on you? What happens then?

So, basically, the statement needs a second part. Here are some suggestions:

DON’T TREAD ON ME…

…or I’ll set you on fire and throw you off a building.

…or I’ll be like, “Hey! What’s with all the treading?”

…or you’ll make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

…or it’s a musket to the junk.

…or I’ll pass harsh, anti-treading laws.

…or I’ll draw depictions of Muhammad.

…or I’ll tell Fred Thompson on you.

…or I’ll throw rocks at your house in the middle of the night.

…or I’ll shoot British people in red coats.

…or I’ll talk very loudly and you’ll become irrationally scared I might get violent.

…or I’ll get violent.

…or I’ll support a political opponent to you who is more adverse to treading.

Mexicans Are Going to Boycott Arizona

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Arizona may have thought its new bill on illegal immigration was all fine and dandy, but look at what Mexico just did. They put up a travel advisory for Arizona; now Mexicans may be less likely to come to the state. See, that’s what gets you when passing a new law: The unintended consequences.

Did you even know Mexico had like a whole government and everything that could issue travel advisories and what not? Apparently about half the government’s function is complaining about U.S. border enforcement.

The Last Holdouts on Right to Carry

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Forty states are right to carry, leaving only ten left where those rights are infringed. In those states its either always illegal to carry or a carry permit is only given out in special circumstances and a citizen has to argue why he deserves it. It would be really nice to have all states recognize a right to carry and get a system setup so that any law-abiding American citizen could carry a gun in all fifty states. But with federalism, if some states really don’t want that I guess they can have whatever laws they want.

So here’s an idea to make everyone happy. Congress could pass some new national right to carry helping states recognize each others carry permits, but states could get an opt out if they wanted. The governor of a state could submit a form explaining why his citizens are especially stupid and violent thus making a right to carry a problem there when it isn’t in any other state. A committee could then review those reasons and decide whether to grant a special exemption to the state from allowing right to carry. Sounds fair, right?

Random Thoughts

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Actual line from AZ bill: “Anyone in this state without a long form birth certificate will be deported to Kenya.”

Actual line from AZ bill: “Police can’t ask for your papers without cause with a fake German accent.”

Aww. They took Obama’s National Security Adviser off stage before he could tell us why bagels have holes.

Palestinians? More like “Enemy-estinians”!

I really hate it when people mistake common genius for my super, extra double genius.

I’m really looking forward to an opportunity to use the phrase “moral turpitude” in casual conversation.

Hmm. And I should also try to find out what other kinds of turpitudes are out there other than the moral kind.

Ross Douthat seems like an intellectual and also seems smart.

Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks? Are they secretly Teenage Mutant Accountant Turtles by day?

“Are these the giant mutant turtles that attacked you?” “I don’t know. They were wearing masks. Plus they all look alike. Is that racist?”

The Plague of ‘A’ Students

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P.J. Rourke has a good article on the problem we’ve had with A students running everything lately.

Now I’m an A student, but I’m like a super-duper extra smart one so I’m okay and won’t screw things up. See, I’m so smart that I know I’m smart and not to question myself because why would I come up with bad ideas with how smart I am. Like nuking the moon; that’s not just so smart no one else would come up with it, it’s practical.

So you should put me in charge if you want real smart solutions that involve space and robots and dinosaurs, not this faux-smart crap that involves interfering with the economy and adding to government. That’s the smart stuff dumb people do.

Scaring Off Aliens

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Stephen Hawking doesn’t want us contacting space aliens because he thinks they could destroy us and just plunder our planet for its resources. He apparently came to this conclusion after lots of his super-smart physics thinking — or maybe after watching the movie Independence Day. Don’t worry, though; I have the solution.

We just make sure to send broadcasts of the original Star Trek episodes into space. Then aliens finding out about our civilization will see what happens to hostile space aliens: They get punched in the face by Captain Kirk. Hostile aliens will then avoid us not wanting to get punched in their face or their alien equivalent of a face.

Captain Kirk saves earth again.

Reminder to GOP: I Can Be Bought

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Apparently the 2012 GOP hopefuls are all focusing on having a big online presence. I should remind them that a part of any online strategy for a Republican should be having a right-wing humor blogger completely in the tank for you. Thus it should be noted that I’m for sale, relatively cheap, and there are barely any right-wing humor bloggers more popular than me (maybe seven or eight).

Think of the help I’d be. If you bought me, I could use my wit shilling for you, like writing clever things like, “Huckabee is Hucktastic!” But if you don’t buy me off, I could use my humor against you, writing things like, “Huckabee? More like stupid Hickabee.”

I can even be bought for the Democrats. Just think of the boost for Obama if a right-wing blogger humor blogger were suddenly to become an Obama supporter saying things like, “I just can’t make fun of him. There’s nothing to make fun of; he’s too awesome. I even made an Obama ears hat to show my support.”

So anyway, just e-mail me for prices. You want me shilling for you rather than against you.

Features of the New $100 Bill

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Due to increased printing expenses, now costs $150.

So there is a new hundred dollar bill out to make things even harder for counterfeiters. Here’s some of the new features on it.

* Has a 3D hologram of Optimus Prime fighting a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Around the edges in microprint are the lyrics to “It’s All About the Benjamins.”

* To further confuse counterfeiters, on the back is the exact replica of the front of a twenty dollar bill.

* Under the portrait of Benjamin Franklin should be visible a tiny body holding up that giant head.

* On front in big letters is “DO NOT COPY” so counterfeiters can’t just claim they didn’t know.

* Also, in smaller letters, is a reminder that it’s not valid in the game of Monopoly.

* When held in sunlight, should see watermark of Benjamin Franklin’s arch-nemesis from an alternate universe: Fenjamin Branklin.

* Visible inside should be a security strip labeled: “Do not remove or government can’t track you.”

* Lot’s of splashes of color to celebrate the $100 bill having come out as our first openly gay currency.

Random Thoughts

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The Insane Clown Posse have a point: There are a lot of miracles all around us, and we should take time to notice them.

Also, I’ve taken advanced physics and can describe magnetic forces, but we don’t really know how magnets work.

NASA would like me to tell you that if the moon explodes soon, it has nothing to do with the secret space rocket.

I have a slogan the Republicans can use for the election this year: “Change we can change in.”

Actual line from AZ bill: “If someone looks Mexicany and doesn’t have his papers, you can whomp him with a stick.”

I wonder if the AZ law means I might finally have buyer for my Mexi-Cannon idea.

Actual line from AZ bill: “Dey took are jahbs!”

Illegal immigration is all America’s fault for having a border.

If an illegal immigration squish like McCain approves of the AZ law, then it obviously doesn’t go far enough!

I’m for getting rid of borders. Easiest way: Have America conquer all of earth.

New meaningless exclamation I’m going to try out for surprise/shock: “Bacon-eating Mohammad!”

A lot of people are saying they won’t go to AZ with all the bigots there, but Mexicans seem to like the place.

Who exactly is David Brooks’s audience? Who wants to read that?

I love the mature trees in our neighborhood. When we were in a new development, it was nothing but fart jokes from the trees.

Actual line from AZ bill: “One can’t be considered suspicious just because he’s Hispanic. He has to be REALLY Hispanic.”

Best Thing Cheney Ever Did

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Cheney recently described him telling Senator Leahy to go “@#$% yourself” as the “best thing I ever did.” I don’t know; that kind of sells shooting a lawyer in the face with a shotgun short.

So what’s your favorite thing Cheney ever did? I liked the time he announced a speech in a desert just to trick protesters there so he could kidnap them and force them to work in one Haliburton’s underground uranium mines.