I’m back from my trip! Yay! Thanks to Basil for keeping the blog active while I was gone.
Anyway, while in Texas we went to the Fort Worth zoo. It was pretty neat, and one of the orangutans had a newborn baby (an orangutan baby, not someone else’s baby), and I still don’t think the zoo has publicly announced it yet. I liked the zoo, but Buttercup just slept in her stroller the whole time, as she’s just a stupid eight-week-old baby. Still, I decided I need to practice being a father who is going to educate her and stuff, so here are all the facts I know of the animals we saw, accompanied by the pictures SarahK took.
FUN ANIMAL FACTS
* Due to its long, flexible neck, the pink flamingo is notorious for how difficult it is to execute by hanging.
* The white tiger cannot jump.
* The rhinoceros is the rare offspring of a unicorn and a lizard.
* The gorilla is the largest primate other than your mom.
* Penguins thrive due to a symbiotic relationship with Morgan Freeman.
* Giraffes have long necks to make eating grass seem less boring.
* The hippopotamus is best known for spouting conspiracy theories on The View.
* Since the elephant never forgets, he instead drinks to socialize.
* The lion’s large mane means it’s unemployed.
* The goliath birdeating tarantula got its name because zoologists got tired of kids asking, “What does it eat?”
* The cheetah was rated the fastest animal on land until it was disqualified for using performance enhancing drugs.
* The parrot’s ability to talk helps it hunt its favorite food: human faces.
* Due to its bright orange hair, the orangutan is often mistaken for a prop comic.
* The jaguar has largely been replaced in its ecosystem by the NCISuar.
* The bongo is yet another hoofed animal with antlers that no one finds particularly interesting.
* The zebra is a horse designed by Andy Warhol.
* Here are some more hoofed things with antlers. Really, who cares?
* The mountain lion’s main food source is the daughters of CTU agents who wander away from the plot.
* Due to the kangaroo’s built in pouch, it always gets severely molested by TSA agents.
* The coyote is the only member of the canine family that uses tools ordered by mail.
* The Komodo dragon (right) is not really a dragon; it’s just a lizard that flies and breathes fire.
* The Burmese python can swallow a sheep whole, though at the dinner table that gets it yelled at by its mom.
* The leaf-nosed snake is known for helping more attractive snakes woo females.
* The saltwater crocodile is a frequent enemy of Batman.
* The bald eagle recovered from near extinction after its thunderdomes were shut down.
* The Jersey Cow is superior to the Holstein Cow. Jerseys produce less milk, but their milk is superior. And remember: only communists prefer quanitity over quality. The Jersey is also pretty, and who doesn’t love pretty females?
* The German Shepherd Dog is far too smart for her own good. She has learned how to pick up the water bowl. That seems fun and cheeky until the German Shepherd Dog drops the water bowl on my foot when she is thirsty. And she’s always thirsty.
* The House Sparrow is the Pol Pot of the song bird world and should be shot on sight.
* You’ve never truly lived until you’ve been berated by the territorial and aggressive Northern Mockingbird who uses the television antenna on your roof as a singing platform every summer.
I see what you did there…
* The North American Crow is smarter than most Democrats.
* The North American Cougar (aka Mountain Lion, etc.) prefers eating Democrat children because they’re fatter.
* Oregon Ducks are mainly socialists and pay state income taxes. On occasion, they also play fowl football.
* Orcas (aka Killer Whales) are killing Northwest salmon. Both are endangered, so… which do we protect?
* There are no Rattle Snakes in Sarah Palin’s Alaska. They must hate her.
* The American Bald Eagle was headed towards extinction until their health plan stopped paying for Rogaine.
* A dromedary camel has only one hump.
* A Bactrian camel is overcompensating…if you know what I mean.
* The common Slug is eatable. And you don’t have to eat too many to be convinced of it.
* Strangely, the largest Mosquitoes on planet Earth are in Minnesota and Georga, not Alaska. They’re called “Great Horned Carters.” And, yes, IMAO has a local expert and it isn’t me !
* My kids and I once tried cooking and eating a Ratfish (after catching it, of course). Trust me… don’t do it!
* I’m glad the Frankenfish is back, but I’m going to miss that Basil plant. But maybe if we sprinkle a little Basil on the raw Frankenfish, we’ll have a little spicy sushi !
Welcome back, Frank! Great post, it was like a condensed Animal Planet programming day. I didn’t know about the cheeta using performance enhancing drugs, bums me right out. And thanks for clearing up that Komodo Dragon thing for me.
Here’s some other fun animal facts:
– Giraffes are the best lookouts in the animal kingdom.
– Rosie O’Donell doesn’t go wild boar hunting because she’s often mistaken for a wild boar and shot at.
– Bluejays like to taunt my cats by hopping and dancing just outside the slidding glass door making my cats make all kinds of cool guttural sounds.
The Auburn Tiger wants straight cash, homey.
The African lion is known as “the king of the jungle”.
The Detroit lion is known as “the Edsel of the great plains”
And here all this time I thought Bongo was the President of Gabon.
The hide of the American White Tail Deer is not strong enough to stop bullets. Despite this fact, much testing continues in this area.
The intelligence of crows in on par with that of gorillas; however, gorillas receive $100 to every $.08 for crows in research dollars because gorillas are sexier, and they live in the mist.
Congress critters would be nearly extinct if only we could only figgur out a way to make them extinct.
@Marko: Mebbe you need a lighter bowl or heavier boots. I had a Lab that would take his paw and flip his water bowl on its side to demonstrate its emptiness. German Shepherd Dogs are so much more direct.
The diet of the American alligator consists mainly of marshmallows fed to them by crazy old ladies.
She follows the same process every evening, Burma.
Step 1: Bark. Lead owner to water bowl. If no one pays attention, move to…
Step 2: Walk in front of owner and bark. If no one pays attention, move to…
Step 3: Rattle water bowl. If no one pays attention, move to…
Step 4: Pick up water bowl, carry it to the living room, and drop it.
She has realized that humans will do anything to remove a minor annoyance.
More fun animal facts:
– Actually, giraffes are not the best lookout in the animal kingdom. Birds are.
– I was attacked by a bluejay while jogging back in the ’80s. Now I have “The Birds” flashback and break out in a sweat everytime I see one of those blue gray demons.
– I grew up with a female German Sheperd that was so smart every dog if met since is a dullard in comparison. She effectively ruined dogs for me.
@Marko: I’d hate to ponder on what the escalation to step 5 would be.
– The Snake and Blue J are the among the easist balloon animals to make.
The Minnesota Mosquito is the largest and nastiest of the bug kingdom. Just one of our Mosquito’s can drop a Moose and drain it’s entire blood supply before it hits the ground! We live in abject terror up here and do you guys care? Noooo! It’s all about your little problems while our pets, children and adults incapable of defending themselves are being eaten every day by this scourge!
We should capture some and send them to Arab countries. I’m pretty sure they are infidels too!