Archive of entries posted on 1st March 2013

Wisdom of the Day: Mobsters Bois Golf Soul Patch Cereal Drunk Raisins Commenters

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The Best CEO Departure Letter Ever

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This letter from the former Groupon CEO has to be the best departure letter ever. Basically, with humor he owns up to his failure. But this has to be the coolest part:

For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be – I love Groupon, and I’m terribly proud of what we’ve created. I’m OK with having failed at this part of the journey. If Groupon was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through.

A Battletoads reference! Which got me thinking: Why don’t we see more classic video game references in every day life? You can expect people to get references to classic literature and movies, but video game references are thought to be more obscure. But any one should be able to get references to classic video game or you are simply not a cultured person.

Though, I have to admit, I had to Google to remember what the Terra Tubes level was. I never made it to that level on the original NES game; I think the furthest I made it was the level before: Intruder Excluder (I later played through the whole thing with an emulator using save states to help me). Man, Battletoads was a crazy game. It starts out with this deceptively fun first level… and then just pummels you mercilessly after that. It’s like if you were playing Mario 64 and after you got the first star the game turned into Dark Souls. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re not cultured.

11 Things to Look Out for in the Sequester

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SEQUESTER!!!!!1!11!!eleventy!!1!!

The sequester is has started! Blogging it probably going to be light as I need to count the shotgun shells in my sequester shelter. How we’re going to survive with the federal government 2% smaller I don’t know, but we need to try.

Here are some things to look out for during the sequester:

* Days will be shorter.

* Previously friendly dogs may attack.

* The earth will be unstable and could break open.

* Fewer daily deals on Amazon.

* The moon may drift out or the earth’s orbit.

* Chance of birdemic outbreak increased by 3%.

* 170 million jobs will be lost.

* Squirrels will overrun parks.

* Vampires will lost their sparkle.

* You may start to get a Canadian accent.

* More short blog posts made to look longer using lists.

Random Thoughts: Woodward, Batman, and Chocolate

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Like how reporters are sure Obama doesn’t know this is going on, like it’s good he’s this naive waif oblivious to everything.

Contrary to Joe Biden’s advice, I’ve never been very good with a shotgun in Call of Duty. AR-15 works much better.

At no point will the Democrats ever say they’ve taxed the rich enough. That’s the drum they need to keep beating to make the dummies dance.

You know, we aren’t in this situation because the rich needed Social Security and Medicare.

Hollywood loves remakes, so here’s my pitch: Remake of “All the President’s Men,” but with a twist: Woodward is the villain!

If Obama were developmentally disabled, the way the press rallies behind him would be a heroic, tear-jerking story.

Think my next column topic should be: “Is the press doing enough to protect our hapless president?”

It’s dishonest to quote Andrew Sullivan and not preface his name with “noted nutball.”

“Why are you talking about the auditory nerve? That’s completely ear-relevant.”

Battletoads was a weird game. Has a deceptively fun first level and then beats the crap out of you after that.

The equivalent would be after getting the first star in Mario 64 the game turned into Dark Souls.

A cultured person should understand video game references.

How are voters going to react to Ashley Judd’s mysteriously puffy face?

I’m a libertarian except in areas where I don’t like what other people are doing and want the government to come stop them.

Every other Batman arc should be about Robin getting killed.

Never understood why milk chocolate exists when there is this thing called “dark chocolate.”

What was the pitch on milk chocolate? “Some people like chocolate, but they don’t like the… you know… chocolate taste.”

The best defense against the sequester is to fire a shotgun through the door.