AP – On Meet the Press this week, Nancy Pelosi stated that she was excited with the prospect of a woman President in 2016.  Not willing to stop there, she continued to express her excitement for a totally female government in the near future.  “Just think of the built in cost reduction involved in transitioning to a 100% female government.  It has been proven that women are paid 75% of what a man makes for the same job. Firing all male federal employees and replacing them with women would result in an instantaneous reduction in operating costs of 25%.  Just imagine how much the deficit could be paid down and how many more shoes and manicures could be purchased with that reduction.

“And it’s just like the expert Sally Fields once said, ‘If women were running things, there would be no war.’ We wouldn’t need that inflated military budget, and all of that money could be used for nurturing programs like funding free healthcare and abortions and shoes and manicures and botox and the genetic modification of men causing them to develop the ability to lactate and lose the ability to operate a remote.  And if Putin or Morsi get uppity, well, we can just give him ‘the look.’  All married men know it.  They will back right on down.  Well, I can’t give ‘the look’ anymore.  My countenance is permanently frozen into a different look entirely, one of horrified astonishment.  A word of caution, don’t ask to see the bill before the botox is completely cured. But anyway, we would get a Secretary… I mean, Administrative Assistant of State that could give ‘the look,’ and heaven knows Hillary can do it.

“And for those of you who love gridlock, you ain’t seen nothing yet.  Aside from the inevitable new holidays we will pass, Twilight Appreciation Day, Nicholas Sparks Day and Lorena Bobbitt Day, we won’t be able to agree on anything.  In fact, we’ll amend Robert’s Rules of Order to disallow even debating solutions to any problem.  Instead, we will talk about the problem and how it makes us feel and then cry with a soothing, melancholy gladness into some government ice cream and maybe filibuster with a Lifetime Movie of the Week marathon or maybe just take turns reading Jane Austin.  It was never about the solution.  It’s the process and the empathy and the understanding.  That is all this country needs to be great again. The men have been running things since 1776, and I say it is time for a change.  I, for one, can’t wait to be part of the coming matriarchy.”