[Marimba ringtone plays]
Hello?
Hey. It’s me.
Who is this?
Me. Or you. From your past.
Um, what do you want?
Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it’s a bad idea.
What’s a bad idea?
Going to see that movie.
What movie?
That new Lone Ranger
I’m, uh, not gonna see that.
Then why were you watching the movie trailer on your Apple TV?
What?
I know what you did. Don’t go see the movie. Don’t.
And why not?
Well, first, it’s got Johnny Depp as Tonto. And some guy you’ve never heard of named Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger.
I’ve heard of him.
No you haven’t. He was in that Facebook movie
So?
You forgot about 1981?
What do you mean?
That awful Legend of the Lone Ranger
I remember that.
Yeah, well that 1981 film and this new film aren’t The Lone Ranger
You don’t think it’ll be okay?
Have you been paying attention? Or are you just getting forgetful in your old age?
Um…
When you were me, you’d sit down on the floor in front of the TV set and hear music from the overture to William Tell and you would get all excited as The Lone Ranger rode across the screen.
“A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver! The Lone Ranger! With his faithful Indian companion Tonto, the daring and resourceful masked rider of the plains led the fight for law and order in the early western United States! Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear! From out of the past come the thundering hoofbeats of the great horse Silver! The Lone Ranger rides again!”
So, you do remember.
Yeah. Kinda.
Well, this movie ain’t them. Those memories. The movie won’t bring ’em back. If you want to watch some old shows, use your Roku to search for them. Hulu has some. Amazon has some. You can find them there. But you won’t find them in the movie theater with Johnny Depp.
That’s a bummer.
No. Go watch the old shows if that’s what you want. But, there’s no reason you can’t have new memories of other childhoods.
What?
You have grandchildren now, including some my age. If you want those old memories, you got Apple TV and Roku for that. If you want new memories, go make some.
Why didn’t I think of that?
Um. You did. You just wrote this. Dumbass.
Yep, even without the America-hating, anti-business, anti-military message of this stupid picture, it would probably be garbage. Clayton Moore is weeping somewhere.
I watched the 1949 Lone Ranger movie on Hulu the other night starring the authentic Lone Ranger and Tonto. There were several very good knock-down, drag-out fist fights. The finale has one of the best fights you’ll see as The Lone Ranger takes down a bad guy from the top of a high hill to the bottom. Amazing no one broke a leg doing that fight.
BTW: If you don’t think Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels are the only good Lone Ranger and Tonto then you probably think Roger Moore was a great James Bond.
In fairness, John Hart did okay that one season, but Clayton Moore was THE Lone Ranger.
Oh, and I give Roger Moore a pass. The problem was the scripts. Some of the Moore films were pretty good. Some … not so much. But I don’t blame Moore.
I dare you to listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.
Got to go with the Cat on this one, George Lazenby was the greatest Bond evah!
We of course know this is fiction. Ben Franklin wasn’t even around to invent electricity in 1960 when Basil got his phone call. In fact! Alexander Graham Bell was still arguing with the algoretross to see who will get credit for inventing the internetz!
I didn’t get the call in 1960. I placed the call from 1960. Pay attention!
So, they have Johnny Depp in redface, huh?
What’s next? Johnny Depp as Martin Luther King, Jr.
Couldn’t they find an actual
IndianNative American to play the part?How racist of them.
So apparently Depp is 1/64 Cherokee or something. Anyway, that’s what the scalpers out in front of the theater said.
Hey, don’t be knocking Depp. He just won this year’s Best Actor Oscar for the lead in The Shaquille O’Neill Story. The acting is Olivier-esque. Not to mention the surgeries the man went through to transform himself from a skinny 5’7″ Caucasian to a hulking seven-foot Black man. This on the heels of his Oscar-winning performance as Annette Funicello last year.