I’m not usually for censorship unless I don’t like something.

Have we made sure the Secretary of Defense isn’t Rumsfeld wearing Hagel’s skin, because Rumsfeld seems like kinda person who would do that.

So a really boring football games that consists of nothing but a couple field goals is the average soccer game.

Being a husband is hard. Being a father is hard. If you think it’s easy, you’re probably doing a bad job at it.

Uh oh. Steam Summer Sale. And I’ve been so productive.

The only thing freakier than seeing Slenderman is not seeing Slenderman because then he’s probably right behind you.

Obama: “There will be no boots on the ground in Iraq… not with our new HOVER TECHNOLOGY!”

I bet those Uruguayans are firing their AK-47s in the air celebrating their victory over the decadent West. Wait, where’s Uruguay?

From my dialect and the way I speak, it’s pretty easy to tell I’m from the internet.

I can find England on a map. Well, I know what island it’s on. No, wait; that was Jamaica.