36 Comments

  1. …is to blame Bush.

    …involves even more “not resting” until an answer is found.

    …requires declaring Ebola to be a safe and legal virus.

    …means changing the subject repeatedly until no one remembers there ever was an Ebola virus.

    …includes issuing court dates to any virus that is found…

  2. …national database of all Ebola carriers.

    …give Ebola a foreign aid package, do an apology tour, and hope it leaves us alone.

    …give his personal information and $5000 for processing fees to the nice Nigerian doctor who offered to transfer $10 MILLION DOLLARS U.S. to him and use the money to fund Ebola research some kind of Democrat party money laundering scheme through the government. You racist.

  3. … a red line in the sand.

    … provide it to illegal immigrants as a pathogen to citizenship.

    … another “Cash for Clunkers” trade-in-type program: “Ebola for Dollars.”

    … declare Ebola a matter for Congress to legislate — it’ll die in committee.

    … find a way to attach Ebola to IRS hard drives.

  4. …invite Ebola over for a beer summit and try to talk it out of doing anything “stupid”

    …raise taxes on Ebola

    …call Ebola racist

    …accuse Ebola of participating in a “war on women”

    …ask Americans to “fight Ebola with their lady parts”

    …ask American to make sure their tires are properly inflated

  5. Staffer: “Pssst, MR. President, what’s the answer?”
    O: “Hey, are you blind? I’m putting here. What other President has ever had to put up with this?
    Staffer: “But Frank J asked a question. You wouldn’t want to appear unprepared in front of the press.”
    O: “Who? Oh wait, that’s the guy who wrote my best biography, right? What was the question?”
    Staffer: “What’s your plan to fight Ebola?”
    O: “Which group of freedom fighters is that? The one in Africa or um… Atlantis, was it?”
    Staffer: “The disease in Africa, sir.”
    O: “Oh right, right. Ebola. That’s like chickenpox, right? Just infect everyone now and get it over with. Then everyone will be immune no one will ever catch it again.”

  6. …kill it with airline food.

    …cure it with Liberalism, like all mankind’s problems.

    …use experimental drugs to treat human like white people, then test on mice if it is deemed safe enough.

    …let voters who are bleeding from their eye sockets move to front of line when voting.

    …crash course studying all of the Resident Evil movies and making Mila Jovovich the Surgeon General-Secretary of Defense. Ali Larter will be selected to lead a delegation of smoking hot babes for morale boosting and unilateral bodily fluid exchanges.

  7. …the Ebola redistribution plan. It’s unfair that a few countries hold most of the world’s Ebola infections. He will work tirelessly to make sure Ebola is distributed fairly and equitably throughout the whole world. When you spread the Ebola around, it’s good for everyone.

  8. It’s a top secret sooper-dooper plan to secure the borders. If enough Americans die of the virus, no one else will want to come here, plus, all the dead will be registered (or re-registered) as Democrats, and continue to vote. A win-win scenario.

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