(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get started today, I just have a few items of business.  First, as you are all aware, the annual post-Ramadan ‘Sharia in the Park’ picnic with Boko Haram is coming up.  The competition for the Dar al Islam cup is very close this year.  Right now, Boko Haram is ahead in the beheadings category, but, thanks to Momar’s little mishap in the bomb tent last week, we have moved far ahead in the martyr category.  It looks like it may come down to the harem competition, so I would like to encourage you to work with the girls you have ‘conscripted’ to get them ready for the interview and burka rounds. Remember, for the interview we are looking for violently aggressive yet submissive, and try and make sure they don’t come across too educated.  Secondly, I’m sure you have heard the rumors. DC comics is suing us for copyright infringement over the ‘Isis’ name.  Apparently Isis is one of their woman superheroes.

All (laughing)

Ali (laughing): A woman super hero?  Allah forbid!

Galid: What sick mind could dream of such a thing?  Who would be her nemesis? Stains? A dirty floor? Soiled breeches?

Ali: Do beams of OxiClean squirt forth from her eyes?  Take that you dirty rings!

Ahmed: Oh those crazy infidels. What would she do? Darn socks faster than a speeding bullet?

Ali: Wash a mound of laundry as tall as a building in a single load?

Ahmed: Look!  Into the kitchen!  Is it a bird?  Is it a plane? It is Isis making me falafel!

Habib: Yes.  Yes. Who would want to read of Isis when they could read of that hunky Shazam?

Galid: What?

Corporate HR Imam: Ok. Ok.  Yes, it is all very silly, and I am sure we will be vindicated in the end.  But anyway, we are asking for an injunction that will let us use the ISIS name until the suit is resolved.  But in the meantime, you should have already received the new ISIL letterhead.  Please use that for all your legitimate communications.  Any questions?

Ahmed: So, should I use that new letterhead when I e-mail instruction to my cells?

Corporate HR Imam: Please tell me you are not putting letterheads in your secret, e-mail communications.

Ahmed: Well, not anymore, I guess.

Galid: I am confused.  Whenever I get an e-mail that does not have the ISIS letterhead, I assume it is part of a Zionist plot and crush it beneath my feet.  I don’t even read it for fear that it might bring down the wrath of their deadly golem upon me.

Corporate HR Imam: OMA! (muttering to himself) We go to jihad with the mujahedeen we have, not the mujahedeen we wish we had.

Ali: So that is why I did not see you at the last massacre, my friend? I thought you were still mad at me.

Galid: How could I stay mad at you, my friend?

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, enough.  Our IT Imam has all of that under control.  Verizon is on board.  You can trust any e-mails or texts you receive whether or not they have the official letterhead. The filters are taking care of everything.

Habib: But what about pop-ups?  Whenever I open my browser, it goes right to clowndating.com.  I keep resetting the home page to beefcake.com, um, I mean burkinibabes.net, and it does no good.  Whenever I open it, it is back to clowns.  No matter what I do, I cannot escape those sexy, sexy clowns.  Their feet are so big.  Have you heard the rumors about what that means?

Corporate HR Imam: Just speak to IT after the training, and I’m sure they can fix that for you.  Ok, then if there are no further questions, let me turn the floor over to our EHS representative for the annual safety training.

Corporate EHS Imam: Before I get into the meat of things, corporate has noticed some issues with your claims regarding the Accidental Death and Dismembership Insurance.  I’ve been asked to reiterate that this benefit only covers ‘accidental’ death and dismembership.  Intentional death and dismembership will not be covered.  If you are going to take Sharia into your own hands, you will need to get a little more creative when you report your claim.  That being said, let’s get into things.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.)