WILMINGTON (AP) – Under mounting pressure from their base to nominate someone who isn’t an old, white male, some prominent Democrats have asked Joe Biden to self-identify as someone from a more pleasing portion of the diversity spectrum, like Lori Lightfoot, the black, gay, female Mayor of Chicago.

“I like holding hands, long walks on the beach, and non-Venezuelan socialism”

“It’s a new day in politics,” said Democrat House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The current Democrat presidential field is delightfully diverse. Even the white men are either gay or socialist. But Joe, bless his gropey hands, he’s got himself a serious problem. And I mean diversity, not the way he nods off and drools at DNC strategy sessions. He’s so old.”

Despite his increasingly obvious untrendiness, Joe Biden’s supporters see the “identifying-as” solution as only a minor tweak to an overall viable candidate. “Definitely keep all the things that make Joe, Joe,” said Former National Security Adviser Susan Rice. “The casual swearing, the nuzzling women’s hair instead of shaking hands, the way he counts to three using letters… all that stuff makes him an endearing everyman. He could be the next Kennedy or Clinton. But the whitey, manny, straighty bit is really gonna hold him back next year.”

As challenging as it might be to make actual changes, role models like Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal should act as inspiration to Biden in the area of “changes in name only”. Biden does have some experience with this, as, back in 2009, Biden famously faked being an American drinking man during Obama’s “Beer Summit“, while actually daintily sipping a Netherlandic non-alcoholic, like some kind of cross between a foreigner and a girl.

A spokesman for the Biden campaign said the candidate was still debating the risky move, and was struggling with, if he did choose to go full Lightfoot, whether he should to play his new role as “clean and articulate“, or go for the more popular zippity-do-dah accent favored by fellow (temporarily) identifying-as-ers-and-offended-that-you-noticed Democrats Hillary Clinton and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Perhaps making his decision easier, on a “Draft Joe Biden” Facebook page, supporters pointed out that, even though Biden would have to change his race and gender to identify as Lightfoot, technically, he could keep his current sexual preference.