August 20th, 2004
Friday
Got up early and turned on CNN’s poor substitute for FOX and Friends. Started some coffee brewing in the little coffee maker most hotel rooms have and took a shower. Then I dressed in the same clothes I wore the day before and tried to use the Delta overnight pack to make myself decent. I wasn’t able to figure out the weird comb/brush it came with, and it seemed to do nothing to my head except annoy my scalp. Also, the poor razor in there ended up making my neck look like it had a close run in with Freddy Krueger.
Got to the airport and onto my flight with no problems. Actually, I got the exit row which had me board with the first class passengers and gave me plenty of leg room. The legs liked that (poor fools; they had no idea what was in store for them).
After landing in Albuquerque, I quickly made my way past security. I wondered if I would easily be able to spot SarahK, my only mental image of her being wearing a black t-shirt. We spotted each other immediately though. We had a platonic handshake and then proceeded to on with our completely platonic IMAO Employee Team-Building Trip 2004. We were out of the airport pretty quickly; apparently my luggage made the connection and was waiting for me.
First stop was to get the last of the needed hiking gear. SarahK already had most things together as it was her job, but I still needed a pack. So we headed to REI, SarahK making about three laps around ‘querque before finding the destination. During that drive, she talked to a friend of hers on her cell phone. My keen cryptographic knowledge made it obvious they were talking in code about me. Nasty trickies women!
Once we went in the REI store, it became quite apparent that the ‘K’ in SarahK stands for Klutz as she tripped into about every supply rack in the store. While she kept picking herself off the ground, I got a bandana (you wet it to keep yourself cool or put it over your face to rob trains), a Thermorest mattress, and a two-day pack so I could carry plenty of stuff (the fool I was).
When I got to the cashier, I decided to ask him a question that had been vexing me.
“So, this ‘New’ Mexico – what exact improvements does it have over the previous Mexico?”
The clerk stared at me dumbly while SarahK seemed to have buried her face in the counter. Perhaps she fell on it. I then asked the clerk where the nearest Indian restaurant was so we could have some lunch. He drew us a map so exact it only took SarahK two laps around the city to find it.
Picture of Indian Restaurant
“I love Indian food!” SarahK exclaimed, “Let’s get the buffet!”
“It looks expensive, but okay,” I replied.
After about three bites from one plate, SarahK said, “Okay, I’m full.”
“You didn’t even have one plate!” I yelled, “Three plate minimum for a buffet or you’re just wasting your money.”
“Well, I’m full, silly head.”
I filled myself between grumbling and then we headed out onto the open road towards the Grand Canyon.
SarahK Driving
Me in Shotgun (I’m wearing the hat since I was never able to comb my hair right)
On the way, there were plenty of cliffs and mountains, and I thought them so beautiful as to take some pictures. Here are a few of them:
Picture1
Picture2
Picture3
Little did I know that this was but excrement of the greater site we would see the next day.
It was a long drive, but we had plenty of music. SarahK had a large folder of burned, stolen music of the Dave Matthews Band and played some for me so I would be familiar with it in time for the concert. One song she played was “So Much to Say” which I informed her was about being gay.
“No it isn’t, you goofy goof.”
“Listen to the lyrics. He’s singing about being stuck in a closet. He’s practically hitting the listener over the head with the metaphors.”
“Uh-uh. He says ‘baby’ in it so it’s about babies! Now you be quiet, grumpy gills!”
When we stopped for gas, we also went to a Dairy Queen for dessert.
Dairy Queen
“I love Blizzards!” SarahK squealed with glee, “Get me the biggest one they have!”
“Okay.”
She took three nibbles and then said, “Okay, I had enough.”
“Damn you to Hades, food waster!”
It was darker, and there was less to see. SarahK had talked about how she wanted to try out for American Idol, so I asked her to sing. She wouldn’t do it, so I sang the Beatles “Rocky Raccoon.” Now, it would only be proper team building if she sang too. She asked me to name a song to see if she knew the lyrics, knowing very well I hate music and can’t name any songs. I asked her if she knew that overplayed song Celine Dion sang from Titanic that always made me want to claw my ears off every time I heard it.
Ha! She knew it.
SarahK made me put my hat over my face and pretend I was sleeping before she would start singing. Now, I wasn’t expecting too much, having watched the usual contestants for American Idol, but SarahK sang with such beauty that I actually liked that song… whatever it’s called. Her singing was a complete joy… and then a moth the size of a fist slammed into our windshield and got stuck in the windshield wiper.
The Moth
Well, not long after I removed that mess, we were driving along the Grand Canyon, but all I could see was darkness and nothing more. Seemed to be a silly thing to go see, anyway. I mean, when you go to a mountain, you’re at least seeing something – the mountain. For a canyon, you’re going to see what ain’t there.
“Hey, look at all this that should be here but ain’t! Isn’t that beautiful?”
My thoughts on the subject were soon lost in the freezing cold. Apparently, it gets quite frigid at 8,000 feet in August. Not knowing this, I had only packed for the warmth. Hands numb and shaking, we assembled our tents at the campsite at the top of the North Rim. I told SarahK, “You know, if were in the same tent, we could share body heat to keep warm. It would work even better if we took off our clothes and…”
The slap to the face distracted me from the cold for a while longer. I got in my tent on my Thermorest mattress and SarahK gave me a very warm blanket about the size of handkerchief.
“S-So c-c-cold.”
Eventually I fell asleep. Apparently I snored, and SarahK tried to wake me so I wouldn’t attract bears. Luckily, neither her yelling or the bear shaking my tent roused me, and I got some sleep.
NEXT WEEK – INTO THE CANYON
UPDATE: SarahK has her version of the day up.
Could I possibly be First?
Holy cow! I was.
Anyhoo, as an old married man (or “fool” to some) I must warn you about the food wasting scheme.
When Mrs. Exile and I were dating, many, many, moons ago, she would pull the same nonsense. She’d eat two fries and a bite of burger, lean back, pat her stomach and let out a satisfied sigh.
A mere decade later, I have seen Mrs. Exile eat amounts of food that would choke a bear. BEWARE. Time and changing metabolisms are harsh mistresses.
This is why Frank is cool. We have the same philosophy when it comes to Buffets. 3 plate minimum!
“You know, if were in the same tent, we could share body heat to keep warm. It would work even better if we took off our clothes and…”
SHAME, SHAME! We all knew this was your motivation for the trip, but now you’ve gone and admitted it!
Frank,
I hope you don’t fall off your “A” game like Tiger Woods. Dude was kickin’ ass and takin’ names until he got all wrapped up in a cute blond. Now the guy can’t even “putt”. Keep this in mind. Remember Mickey from Rocky…”Women weaken legs.”
Note: One of the very few reasons to venture into New Mexico is to dine on some darn good Mexican food. My unsolicited advice would be to find some place called Julio’s, or Chuy’s, or Pinche Culero’s, and skip the injun thing.
Another reason to visit New Mexico might be that you’re a worthless hippy stoner. Then you might want to go to NM to take advantage of an exceptionally generous welfare system. So generous in fact, that $10 per hour jobs in Albuquerque go unfilled. I realise that this doesn’t apply to IMAO readers but thought I’d throw it out there for consideration.
As an old married fart (which makes Mrs. Azlib an old married fart-ress), I have to be careful about laughing out loud when within ear-shot of the better half. She half thinks I’m here chatting with single-moms in Iowa or someplace, so verbal yuks on reading the latest IMAO entry will get me banned.
Seriously, it’s nice to live vicariously through your blooming friendship/blog-romance. Best wishes to both of you.
In Albuquerque and eats at an (east) Indian restaurant. Tool.
First Albuquerque resident!
Frank, the only place to get Indian food here is the India Kitchen on Montgomery (east of REI). Their Vendeloo is sublime.
Thanks for visiting the “Land of Enchantment.”
To answer your question, New Mexico has 50% less carbs.
No, that’s Diet Mexico, fool. And besides, look at Mexicans – do you really need less sustinence?
And Frank, you really need to keep at least room for breath between “Share a tent”, “Share a sleeping bag”, and “Use our clothing as…blankets…yeah, that’s it!” – it tends to work better if it doesn’t sound like a pre-written script(“Yeah, it’s 35 degrees out, so? We still need to huddle together for warmth!”). But good luck with that 😉
LOL Frank, I knew you would, I just knew it…congratulations on making physical contact with at real woman, at least…even if it came in the form of pain…
Keryy has ties to the Mafia, and now Communist CHina! Help Expose this leninist boob if the marxist media won’t. I have a letter writing campaign at :
http://donkerry.blogspot.com
Look at those kissable lips in the “Me in Shotgun” photo. Yowza!
Are you sure that was a real moth?? It looks like that moth-thing in Lord of The Rings that Gandalf talked to.
You, sir, are a cad and a bounder.
I like that in a man…
yowza, indeed, recovering liberal. you should see them in person.
Tool is correct. Frank, you’d probably go to New Orleans and eat at a Golden Corral. Like I said yesterday: peasant.
I heart the new IMAO series: going on a team-building trip with employees of the IMAO corporation. Y’all should take more vacations & go on more team building trips.
Excellent buffet rules. I liked the good old days when the sign said “all you can eat” not the new-fangled “all you care to eat”. Makes me mad to see people leave the restaurant when they can still walk without moaning.
on a completly unrelated note-kerry’s admiral speaks out about vietnam and kerry-http://www.suntimes.com/output/novak/cst-nws-novak27.html
this guy seems to have served in vietnam also.
Frank, this is your main man Tim. I understand that you just got shot down by that fine young fox named SaraK. What you need to do is introduce some liquor into this equasion to act as a moral lubricant. I know you better then this, Frankie, but I also understand women have that kind of confusing affect on men as to cloud their plotting skills. If you need any more advice or reassurance, feel free to ask me.
Frank, I gotta say as a long-time reader who lives in Albuquerque, I’m pretty offended that you would fly all the way out here and then choose to dine on third-rate Indian food. What on earth were you thinking?
Next time, why don’t you give a heads-up to the locals? I could name six dozen better places to eat than that, and give you proper directions as well.
Foo’.
Ha, that is the highway with Twin Guns on it, the meteroite crash site, and the cool 75 MPH speed limit. Ah, yes, I did enjoy driving the smaller than the Tahoe Terror, yet infinitely more comfortable than a economy car, Chevy Trailblazer EXT in the rugged desert terrain, where an acre of land was 199.99 or something. Around here, it is like, 20,000.00 an acre. Sheesh!
Don’t get me started on tents – blech!
And BTW, a local could have told you that day/night temperature swings of 40 degrees and up aren’t unusual at altitude in the desert. So not only did you offend me, you endangered yourself.
Foo’.
Awww…I always love to hear the thoughts of a single man.
Not really. Tim…shut up!
I’m drawing a blank. I know all the funny observations about this so-called “team building exercise” can’t have been made yet, but I’ll be darned if I can think of one.
Guess I’ll go off topic and confess that every time I see or hear the words “little sizzle” I can’t help but think it sounds like something you’d find on the kids meal section of a steakhouse.
Hm. Nope. That’s not funny either, just kinda weird. 😛
Frank, I think what we need now is a recording of you or SarahK singing. (Preferably SarahK, no offense.)
None taken.
Hey, I think I recognized those cliffs. Those are the Vermillion Cliffs, and theres a small nest of California Condors that were transplanted up there a few years ago.
I hope you didn’t stop to eat at Jacob’s Lake. I got one mother of a stomach flu from that place while up on the Kaibab plateau for a deer hunt. That plateau is why the North Rim as a couple thousand feet higher (and quite a few degrees colder) than the South. There’s also a ranch between Marble Canyon and Kaibab where you can hunt buffalo (assuming you get drawn in the lottery).
I think that was the trip when, while stopped at the little bar/restaurant at Marble Canyon, there was this octagenarian Native wearing a “Boyz in the Rez” hat. One of the funniest damn things I’ve ever seen.
Frank, you know who you look like in that picture? Mike Nesmith. (And no, this isn’t just because I love the Monkees…he really does. Especially in the cowboy hat.)
Judging from the complete differences in your and SarahK’s stories. I’d say you two were made for each other.
I’d also like to point out that the ‘moth’ in question isn’t a moth at all.
It’s an Un-SMITEd Flying Space Monkey larva!
A: That’s exactly how I remember New Mexico
B: Dairy Queens are also known as “Texas Stopsigns”
C: I could have told you it was cold. It was even cold in July, and it rained EVERY day at 2. Damn New Mexico
That was great Frank!
Now I will go read the big fibber’s version.
“Alan S.” is right. Had I known you were coming, I’d have arrange for you to have as good a time in Albuquerque as did Tim Blair a few days ago. Link:
http://timblair.spleenville.com/archives/007321.php
And yes, an 80 degree day at 7000 feet is a 40 degree LONG night.
Yup. Subtract 40 degrees from the high and you have the low. 110 degrees at 2 pm, 70 degrees by morning. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I love this state!
Can’t wait to hear the rest of your adventu…I mean “team building trip”.
Nice pictures,
Man, I miss Azee-rona.. Being able to see for MILES in any direction. Out here in NC we have all these darn Trees in the way.
BTW, I am not supprised it was cold, I lived in Flagstaff for a couple of years. Last year that I lived there it snowed an inch the first day of JUNE! (I don’t like the cold! brrr!) Had to move.
“So, this ‘New’ Mexico – what exact improvements does it have over the previous Mexico?”
Didn’t you know the previous Mexico is infested with furriners?
shell,
And that’s different from New Mexico how?
LokiDoki
It’s funny how people are different. I love North Carolina and the rest of the Appalation states BECAUSE of the trees, and the rolling hills.
I enjoy visiting all the states I’ve been in… the differences in this country are stunning, and most places have their own beauty, but no other place is really “home” for me.
I love Oregon but hate it’s politics. We need to export the LibDemSocialistHippies.
I know what you mean, krakatoa – I was tragically RIPPED from my intended birthplace (New Orleans), only to be born in HELL…er…Los Angeles, then adopted and raised in HELL…um…I mean Salt Lake City, Utah.
Thirty years later, I made it back Home to the South, where I belong. Having grown up in the Mountain Desert clime’s with the 40+ degree daily temp swings, valley “temperature inversions” and too much SNOW in the winter and too much HOT in the summer, when I saw Alabama for the first time I had no idea there were so many shades of GREEN in nature! The humidity has never bothered me. The bugs? Well, that’s another story… 😉 It took me less than a year to pack up my life and move to where it feels I have lived my entire life.
I keep telling myself the rest was just a bad Freddy Krueger-esque nightmare. (i.e., I have the “scars” to prove it.)
Joshua, put me down for that and add “With exception of relocating Oregon Shakespeare Festival, nuke all of Ashland to the ground, then nuke the pieces, then turn the whole thing over to the CIA as a weapons testing ground (I hope they still do that, anyhow)-AFTER its ALREADY been nuked:D. I dunno if you have ever visited Ashland, but..wow. Just…wow, ya know? woooow. Nuff said.
a moth?
must be the New Mexico state bird.
Awwww….bloggers in lurve!