FORT WORTH, TX (AP) – A Texas judge has ruled that the Gillette – a subsidiary of Procter and Gamble which was, until recently, synonymous with men’s grooming products – must pay $16 billion to plaintiffs in a class-action lawsuit who claimed that Gillette’s “Toxic Masculinity” ad was so offensive that they were forced to throw away their costly Gillette shaving products in protest.

The court held that Gillette’s actions were “so egregious” that “no thinking man” could ever be expected to take such a grotesque insult “sitting down” and that Gillette “should have known” their products would “wind up on the ash heap of history”.

5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Roy Bean’s ruling was a scathing indictment of what was termed “gross corporate malfeasance”.

“I’ve seen some pretty stupid things in my life,” said Bean, “and I’m generally of the opinion that you have to let stupid people do stupid things, and then make sure they’re punished for it, because otherwise they’ll never get any smarter. In this particular case, the defendant, Gillette, has already lost some 8 billion dollars – that’s billion with a ‘b’ – by going full Prince Hans regicide on their stunned and betrayed customer base, somehow surprise-swapping ‘the best a man can get’ for ‘you are a bully with harassment in your heart, and other men need to put a stop to you, your actions, and possibly your very existence. Now buy our razors.’ To not predict the resounding ‘no’ that followed was idiocy of the type that makes movie villains choose armor with helmets that have full face coverage. I mean full-on ‘TK-421, why aren’t you at your post?‘ level idiocy.”

“Now, some may ask why that punishment isn’t enough,” Bean said. “But I think this is only fair. If Gillette wants to live in their fluffy little PC world, they can play by ALL the PC rules. The men who shave with Gillette were in their safe spaces, but got their feelings hurt. They were triggered into throwing their razors away. They spent anywhere between dozens and hundreds of dollars on these items, and because of Gillette’s actions they couldn’t use them anymore without feeling beard-shamed. Under their own rules, how can Gillette possibly argue that the loss wasn’t foreseeable, preventable, compensable, and entirely their own fault?”

Taking their lumps gracefully, a Gillette spokesman apologized profusely to the victims of their hate crime and vowed to move forward as a wiser organization, who will think twice before insulting their customer base again.

Their new Venus ad campaign featuring irritable fat women who don’t shave their stubbly legs often enough is expected to roll out next Monday.

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