If at first you don't succeed, fail. Fail again and again. Become the world's best failure. Embrace your destiny.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 21, 2014

*walks into ER with missing leg, broken bones, bleeding profusely* ha, you think this is bad… You should see Grown Ups 2

— luke (@internetluke) May 21, 2014

"it's time for some VAN DAMMAGE" -a thing you can say before watching a Van Damme movie or before ramming something with your minivan

— jon hendren (@fart) May 21, 2014

Electrocutions are current events.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) May 21, 2014

Serious question: What the hell good is a massive domestic surveillance state if the President learns everything through the news?

— Popehat (@Popehat) May 21, 2014

BLIND COP:put your hands where we can see em..er where my partner can see em CRIMINAL: youre alone BLIND COP:then put em where I can feel em

— slick (@HelenHuntitis) May 21, 2014

I'm not 100% vegetarian *takes a bite of a piece of coral*

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) May 21, 2014