Joe Biden’s finally retired

With money that he acquired

He thinks that it’s funny

To split it with Sonny;

But the Easter Bunny’s definitely been fired.

I’ve lived through the ‘terrible twos,’

And then through some terrible booze.

I’ve paid all the pipers

From diapers to diapers, …

It occurred to me that I’ve never heard a poem dedicated to brassieres.

You should remedy that.

You have all weekend to work on it.

I realize no one likes assignments, especially over a weekend, so that makes this a two-fer. Heh.

♪

Slip Biden Away

Ship Biden Away

You know, that nearly-destroyed-nation thing?

The moron’s still hidin’ away

♪

I know a woman

Became his wife

These are the very words she uses to describe her life:

She says “A good day’s when I got to reign”

She said “A bad day’s when I lie in bed and think of him watching Gentle Ben.”

♪

Now, Obama knows

What Joe does to plans

“Disinformation’s unavailable to the mortal, man!”

They’re jerking our jobs

They’re jerking our pay

Believe we’re colliding down the highway, but for now I’ll just sip Chardonnay.

♪

Courtesy of Bob B:

♪

On a dark desert highway, power cut off again
Warm smell of burnt embers rising up like back when
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
The fire leapt quickly and the sky grew dim, thick smoke turned daylight to night
Then they came to the doorway, a warning they did tell,
“You gotta get right on out of here, before this place turns to hell
Then they lit up the flashers and they peeled out away
There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say
“Welcome to the Charcoal California
Such a smoky place (such a chokey place)
Such a burned-out place
Not enough trucks for the Charcoal California
Any time of year (any time of year)
It starts burning here”
The fire is pretty twisted, it torched the Mercedes-Benz,
The state is short of water stores, that means some fiery ends
Flames, they dance in the courtyard, no aid is in sight
Flames dance ’til they’re embers, some dance through the night
So I called up the Captain, “Please help me out here”
He said, “We haven’t had any chance here since 1969”
And still, those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night just to hear them say
“Move out of the Hotel California
It’s a sucky place (turns to mucky place)
Such a big disgrace
They screwed it all up for the Charcoal California
That ain’t nice surprise (never a surprise)
They just pump out lies”
Smoke is on the ceiling, the pink retardant floats around
There is only one way out as it burns down to the ground
What’s left of burned out chambers, they stand in mute relief
They stab at us with steely knives, but we’ll never kill the grief
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
“Relax, ” said the governor, “We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”

♪

I had to put on GoreTex

To survive the polar vortex

That’s found each winter forming

Due to Global Warming —

Which hurts my cerebral cortex.

There is a gal who shall remain nameless

Who resisted advances which remain shameless

And spawned no mysogeny

Or otherwise progeny

And prevented an event which was otherwise aimless.

Need a last line…

Hid him in his basement and blamed the fake flu
Shouldn’t have ever been installed, all the media knew

Knew the man knew nothing, well, that’s nothing new . . .

I once knew a man from Australia

In full ‘Crocodile Dundee’ regalia …

.

The man from Nantucket missed

Being on my bucket list

But stereotypes will never fail ya.

Complete the following poem: (This will count 95% towards your final score.)

I shoot an arrow in the air,

Where it lands, I do not care.

….

As copied shamelessly by these no-talent guys.

♪

This happened once before

Some guys came to your door

F.B.I.

They said it wasn’t flu

And they saw you breathe through

Your facemask

.

We nearly died!

We nearly died!

‘Cause you coughed in your hand

Wuhan was a plan

In your face

.

I worked by telephone

And sanitized my home

For a lie

They said it was all true

But I saw it peak through

Flu season

.

Noro Plight

Noro Plight…

♪

.

B-side: “Emu Loser”

I’ve been dethroned as a wise-ass lyricist. I doff my hat to our very own wordsmith, Bob B. Feel free to steal it, Weird Al:

Biden [singing]:

🎵

Third boxcar, who knows where
Destination Delaware
Old, worn out brain and shoes
I was bought with union dues
Pelosi stabbed me, as I have found
Obama too, so I just wander around
I’m a man who’s mean and empty
I’ve been dethroned

I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every story is locked in my head
Even Jill knows that, at long last, that I’m brain-dead
I sing, Biden for sale or rent
Got no power, got no sense
No core, no point, you see
I ain’t got integrity

Ah, but, two hours ’til hard lid comes
Buys twelve hours of freedom from those bums
I’m a man who’s mean and empty
I’ve been dethroned!

🎵