Things Overheard at the National Council for a New America

A lot of people say the GOP needs to take a new direction and be less radical to attract independents. That’s why such trend-setters as Eric Cantor, John McCain, and Mitt Romney recently launched the National Council for a New America at a pizza parlor to figure out how to rebrand the Republican Party. Here’s some of things overheard at the meeting:

* “Freedom, liberty, small government, individualism, personal responsibility… these are the stale ideas that have been holding back the GOP!”

* “The key to victory is principles – we need to avoid those. They scare people.”

* “Let’s not say ‘Republican’ – that has has negative connotations. Let’s call ourselves ‘the other Party.'”

* “If we criticize the spending too much, then it comes off as us being too critical of Obama… and we already have enough problems with racism.”

* “Actually, I don’t know about this name ‘National Council for a New America.’ Do you really need the ‘America’ in there? A lot of people are turned off by jingoism. Can’t we just be ‘National Council for Newness’?”

* “We should never be afraid to praise a Democrat when he does something right. I wouldn’t praise Republicans, though; that just makes you look intolerant.”

* “I think we’ve had enough talk about ‘Reagan’ in this party. We need a new Republican leader to rally behind. Like Chuck Hagel.”

* “We need to get away from things that are scaring young people from our parties, like social issues. Also, he can try handing out meth.”

* “Without Arlen Specter in this Party, it’s like we’ve lost our soul.”

* “Maybe me need a new symbol. An elephant is big and lumbering and threatening. How about a hamster?”

* “If people like Democrats right now, I bet they’ll love a watered down version.”

* “We have to be careful of our image. If you’re at a rally and someone mentions ‘illegal immigration’, you then need to get as far away from those racists as possible.”

* “Anyone you ever figure out what those ‘Tea Parties’ were about?”

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25 Comments

  1. * Why yes, it is all about me.

    * We were going to form a third party, but the name “Democratic Party” was already taken.

    * What we need in this party is less talk about the issues that we care about.

    * They got Specter — we’re trying to get Al Gore.

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  2. * “Lenin was highly underrated, in our opinion.”

    * “This John Galt guy, he must be stopped.”

    * “We’re gonna nominate McCain again. Try and stop us.”

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  3. * “Foreign policy? We don’t need no stinkin’ foreign policy at our party. Oh, you mean the Republican Party. Did you bring your golf clubs, Mitt?”

    * “We’ve simply got to figure out a way to use the fact that the American people is stupider now! Any ideas guys? Guys? Hey, get your tongue outta that bottle, John! John!”

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  4. “When will those tools stop talking about Reagan?”

    “Teddy who and what’s with this ‘stick’ they’re talking about?”

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  5. One thing that’s funny, in an endy sort of way, have any of you read any of Falkenburg’s Legion books?
    In particular, they talk about how power in 21st century America goes back and forth between the wings of the same party.
    Sort of like where we’re apparently headed.

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  6. * “Rush Limbaugh? Never heard of him. Nope. Never. Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

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  7. * “We shouldn’t advocate tax cuts. That word is offensive to knife-wielding psychopaths.”

    * “If we spend twice as much as liberals, we’ll be twice as popular.”

    * “Amnesty for illegal immigrants worked in 1986, and it’ll work again. In fact, we should have it every year, just like Cinco de Quatro.”

    * “We need an original, catchy slogan, like ‘Affirmative, us able!'”

    * “Are you STILL wearing that stupid flag lapel pin? That is SOOOO 2001. Here, have a Che t-shirt.”

    * “Palin? No way! I heard she was proud of her country BEFORE Obama started running for President.”

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  8. * Forget the US and try to gain a Republican stronghold in Russia. They’ve already learned how shitty socialism is. America is still in the process of learning how shitty it is.

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  9. According to Janeane Garofalo (and who could ask for a better authority then her) that the ‘tea party’s were due to the fact that there is a black man in the white house and has nothing at all to do with the vast amounts of money the federal government is squandering.

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  10. Uh-oh. It appears that Obama has read your “Nuke the Moon” essay and is implementing it against…. wait for it….. Americans!!!!
    Quote
    One participant in negotiations said that the administration’s tactic was to present what one described as a “madman theory of the presidency” in which the President is someone to be feared because he was willing to do anything to get his way.

    The funniest end of civilization ever just got a little endier.

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  11. *We need to become the party of the neutered neutrals and be like Switzerland. Get rid of the military and put everybody to work making fine pocketknives!

    *What about John Edwards. He could help us and he is getting a lot of high profile press right now.

    *We could be the Family party. Run Meghan McCain for president and John for VP.

    *Until we get rid of the gun thing people are not going to trust us!

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  12. * Name should be “Council For the New American Century” When you have a brand everyone recognizes, keep it.

    * Insist on more deregulation. Anyone with money can obviously be trusted to do the right thing with the lives and fortunes of those they affect. That has worked out so well in the past.

    *As long as Obama is president US flag pins are out. Change to Texas, Georgia, South Carolina if that is where you are, otherwise the Stars & Bars to show your true Patriotism.

    *You can only do wrong if what you do is known. If kept secret then nobody knows and it wasn’t wrong.

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  13. Veeshir keeps reminding us of “the”funniest end of civilization.” So, combining that with “end of the world” prophesies,” are you implying that God will make us all die laughing? It that’s so, don’t you suppose he’ll impale all civilization-destroyers (liberals, commie’s, democrats and idiot uginfuglies) first? That’d work for me, especially if IMAO lived-blogged the event.

    (File this comment under “Flippant Friday.”)

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  14. That’s the bad part about this end of civilization, since it’s so funny people aren’t taking it seriously. Earlier falls of civlization were all about teh barbarians. This time we’re doing it to ourselves.

    Dude, think about it.

    Joe Biden is Vice President. Do you really need any more examples?

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  15. Maybe we should focus on technology like the Democrats. Has anyone heard of the latest thing, I think it’s called the World Wide Web. It has something to do with using domesticated spiders to spread the good news, sort of like how we use carrier pigeons now.

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  16. Seriously, why would My Gal Sarah join up with that buncha moderate/DemLite RINOs in the NCNA if that’s what they’re about? [sarc]Especially when they treated her so well before and after the election?[/sarc]

    Hmmm…I make hafta have a lil talk with her…

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  17. * “Maybe me need a new symbol. An elephant is big and lumbering and threatening. How about a hamster?”

    “…or a gerbil!!! That way, maybe Barney Frank will join us!”

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  18. “If people like Democrats right now, I bet they’ll love a watered down version.”

    This would be funny if it weren’t really happening. I have a couple posters on my site suggesting this very thing and wondering why it isn’t warmly received. *sigh*

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  19. Hamsters, Gerbils, are so close to what the CFANA finally came up with: Lemmings.”Cliff? What cliff?”

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  20. The oppossum was their second choice. John McCain has been playing ‘possum for years now.

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  21. Is john mccain still living? I thought that is why we know that he reproduced because he was dead and the invisible daughter got interviewed by the obama campaign, I mean media.

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  22. Ummmm…. can someone tell me why I need a council on a NEW America? I dont want a new America, I want a America like the founders envisioned and risked all to get started. Thats what always p’od me about the amatuers campaign ….. tell me why I need to change? To what? Why? The system (overall) seemed to be working fairly well in my eyes. Lets see…richest country in the world….check. Strongest Military in the world….check. World Leader of humanitarian aid to others….check. So tell me why I need NEW or change? What I need is a conservative party with …oh…. I dont know….conservative policies….. oh and a set of cojones would probably help….

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