Frank on Science!: Higgs Boson

Posted on October 22, 2009 3:05 pm

Scientists are currently searching for the Higgs boson — a massive scalar elementary particle — because if they find it they will prove once and for all that matter exists. Most people just seem to accept the existence of matter without contemplating the theoretical problems it causes, but scientists are not so foolish. If you ever wonder why scientists are so distant to their wives and children, it’s because until the Higgs boson is found, they can’t rationally be sure they’re there. Anyway, scientists are pretty sure the Higgs boson is out there, but to distinguish it from made up things people believe in, like the Tooth Fairy and morality, they need concrete proof.

To find the Higgs boson, scientists have constructed the Large Hadron Collider. The Small Hadron Collider, the Medium Hadron Collider, and the Fun-Size Hadron Collider all failed to locate the Higgs boson, but they’re pretty sure the Large one will do it. There is a small chance (one in six) that the Collider could create black holes and destroy the universe, but Science! has already shown we have 10^10^16 universes, so that’s not really a big deal.

Anyway, if you happen to see a Higgs boson, make sure to tell your nearest scientist. And be detailed in your description (height, weight, etc.).

Science!

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31 Responses to “Frank on Science!: Higgs Boson”

  1. saveacountryeatalib says:

    Rank amatuers. I found a boat load of Higgs bosons with my cheapo pocket Hadron collider. Losers.

  2. Veeshir says:

    I’m currently reading the series that starts with Into the Looking Glass by John Ringo, it goes on to Vorpal Blade and Manxome Foe, the next one is due out next month.

    It’s all about what happens when they create Higgs Bosons (using a different method than a collider).

    It’s a good series, if you like military sci-fi, you’ll enjoy it. There’s lots of science that sound plausible but is really just….uhhhh….fiction.
    So that’s why they call it science fiction. Huh.

  3. Son of Bob says:

    Makes sense to me. Scientists can tell definitively that if they do something that’s never been done before that they won’t collapse the universe, yet cannot accurately predict if it will rain today or not. Sure, I trust that.

  4. MarkoMancuso says:

    Scientists should not possess women, children, or material goods. Theoretically speaking, such items could cause the scientists to use caution. Theoretically speaking, such caution could distract the scientists from their ultimate objective of “accidentally” destroying life as we know it in reckless experiments that serve no real purpose other than giving the scientists and excuse to call up their old professor and mock him for stating that they would always be a failure.

  5. zzyzx says:

    My cousin Rick told me that when he was in the Navy he knew a boson named Higgs, does that help?

  6. Burt says:

    I could conceivably be persuaded to believe that matter exists. However, you would first need to convince me that matter matters.

  7. DamnCat says:

    Higgs boson is buried in my basement. Get a warrant, flatfoot.

  8. Socrates H. O'Troll says:

    I wanted to upsize my Hadron collider, but my wife gave me that look that says my ass is fat enough as it is. I just settled for the Hadron Happy Meal, and put a little more salt on it that I needed, just to piss her off. When you’re whipped like me, you take victories where you can.

  9. Socrates H. O'Troll says:

    I think zzyzx has the thread winner. Not that it matters.

  10. Jimmy says:

    Where does this guy, Higgs, get off thinking he owns a bosun? You can’t own bosuns, they’re people! (Sure, I know, they’re a dying breed of people that matter less and less but, hey, they do matter, people.)

    I say we find this guy Higgs and teach him a lesson about the importance of bosuns to the world’s marine economy.

  11. Ernie Loco says:

    I saw a Higgs-boson the other day. It was about 10 inches long (not including its tail), red and fluffy, looked like it weighed about 2 lbs, and it was slower than my car.

    On second thought, that might have been a squirrel. As far as I know it’s still laying in the middle of the road if any scientists want to go double check.

  12. IH8Socialist says:

    maybe they need to slam a bunch of commie liberals at the speed of light into each other to find the Higgs Bison particle.

  13. saveacountryeatalib says:

    When we were in Yellowstone a Japanese tourist got to close to a bison trying to get a photo and…. what?…..Boson? Wait…. what? Oh………um…..what was the question??

  14. DesertElephant says:

    I got a box yesterday that was labeled “Free Higgs boson” and “Free Badger”. Taking your advice, Frank, I left the box closed.

  15. cptnmoroni says:

    The Higgs boson is impossible to locate because it is it’s own anti-particle. So, basically, if they find a Higgs boson, it will kill itself and everyone the Scientists! care about.

  16. YoMTRappaDood says:

    I gits yo Biggs Ho, son. Gots it right here. You gots fitty dollah?

  17. Logic Mine says:

    It’s called the “GOD PARTICLE”.

    Just like scientist to NOT believe in something. Actually, its a particle I believe, that pretty much creates matter. ergo the God Particle.
    I could be in error. I’m just shooting off the hip right now. I’ll look it up later.

  18. Plentyobailouts says:

    Higgs boson stole my free unicorn and left a dern box on my porch labeled badger.

    I really HOPE that dern badger has some CHANGE and not a silly boson.

  19. harleycowboy says:

    Higgs boson? Didn’t he fall overboard the U.S.S. Minnow?

  20. Live Free Or Die says:

    So who’s this chick, Higgs, and why are Science!-tists so interested in finding her bosom?
    ‘Cuz Meggie Mac’s bosom is easier to find.

  21. Live Free Or Die says:

    more on the Higgs Bosom: http://johnoh.multiply.com/journal/item/344

  22. Basil says:

    Spelling is the problem. It’s “Higgs Boatswain.”

    Once they find it, though, they’ll just spend more money looking for the Higgs First Mate. It’s a scam, I tell you!

  23. Code3 says:

    I hid the Higgs Bosun under 0bama’s birth certificate.

  24. Bob in Feenicks says:

    Isn’t it a quantum particle? So, you can only describe its height or weight, not both.

  25. Barb says:

    I get nauseous when the boat’s swayin’.

    Anyway, the scientists can find 20 or 30 Higgs-Boson’s up in Troy, NY . The whole family has been voting for the Working Families Party there for years. The WFP always says “no matter” when somebody points out that no one has ever seen any of the Higgs-Boson family, so I guess that also proves that leftist activists are smarter than scientists.

  26. jonam says:

    Nice science information

  27. Corona says:

    What’s all this about Higgs and why is everyone obsessed with his bosom?

  28. Wacky Hermit says:

    When I was studying Math! in college, I once spent an entire semester building up enough theory so that we could conclusively prove that 2+2=4. My then-fiance was attending class with me the day we finally proved that 2+2=4 so that we could take off right afterward. After class he was less than impressed at how excited I was.

    But hey, now I can really say that I know it’s true: 2+2=4. Don’t let anybody, especially a Democrat, tell you otherwise.

  29. ussjimmycarter says:

    Higgs bosson? Thanks mom and dad! After being pants by the school tough for the 500th time, Higgs has checked in for intensive therapy!

  30. Ken Hanson says:

    Even money 15 years from now when the grants and tax money run out they shrug their shoulders and say “turns out photons retain mass in a dimensional manner we don’t understand, which leads us to believe we don’t understand many things. Just like we had to gut parts of other great scientists’ work, we’ll have to gut some of Einstein.”

    I saw an interview with a scientist right before they blew up the collider last year who said the most exciting discovery would be to fail to discover evidence of the Higgs Boson field. NOthing like spending several billion dollars for the guys to get all geeked out when they fail to discover what they are looking for.

  31. David Gray says:

    Higgs theory, this is a total farce, wont happen, they are spending hundreds of millions in an attempt to find a way to legitimize a failed theory which is used to justify a bunch of other nonsense dead end theory’s. There is a legitimate rational scientific answer, but it is being overlooked, so some big dog physics noodles can keep trying to save face for as long as they possibly can. This has been going on since the 60’s. Time for some real Science guys, not a bunch of science fiction!!!

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