New Idea for Getting Rid of Hippies
Here’s my new idea for getting rid of hippies. Let’s put out this announcement:
Due to increased global warming, polar bears are increasingly scared and sad. The only solution is to give them hugs. Thus, as citizens of the earth, we need to go out and hug polar bears now. So just go up to them and start hugging. They may bear their teeth, swing their paws, and roar, but that’s just polar bear for “I’m scared and need a hug!” If you are too intimidated to hug an adult polar bear, at least hug a baby polar bear then. Just make sure the mother polar bear is watching because it likes to chaperone that sort of thing. Soon the mother should be charging at you and roaring its thanks.
The government really should put out stuff like this every so often to control the hippie population; I don’t know why it doesn’t.
Global warming scares me! I need a hug!
(37 votes, average: 4.97 out of 5)
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December 17th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Have you ever noticed that all polar bears are white? I’m just sayin’.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I agree with MarkoMancuso. It would be racist for hippies to pass up on hugging brown and black bears as well.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I hear Bengal tigers could use some love, too.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
The government doesn’t publish this kind of stuff because Fred isn’t the President yet.
December 17th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Trivia: Polar Bears are actually black, you could look it up.
December 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
With rising oceans I’m sure some crocodiles need a hug too.
December 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
sharks want some loving too. maybe the hippies can go swimming with some.
December 17th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
IH8Socialist
Sharks want to be blood brothers with hippies. You have to make sure you are bleeding when you hug them.
December 17th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
lets also tell the hippies that lion and tigers are like big house cat and they need someone to pet there little heads.
December 17th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Grizzly bears are in bad, I say BAD, need of some real good hippie hugs. I hear tell the hippos, rhino’s, water buffalos, and crocadiles are craven hippie love, too.
#4 Another great reason for President Fred. Spread the word, and the word is hippie hugs !!
December 17th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
And tell me who is going to give love and support for all those lonely rattlesnakes, black mambas, and king cobras? I think hippies need to step up and take charge of this, too!
December 17th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
If only Binky were still alive he would take care of any and all hippies…. Binky (1974–1995) was a polar bear who lived at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage, Alaska, and was famous for mauling zoo visitors.
He was found orphaned on the coast of the Beaufort Sea in 1974 and was taken to the Alaska Zoo the next year.
In July 1994, an Australian tourist named Kathryn Warburton climbed over the second of two safety rails to get a close-up photograph and was bitten as the bear stuck his head through the bars and grabbed her; she received a broken leg and bite wounds. Another tourist caught the event on tape. Binky kept the woman’s shoe for three days before it could be retrieved by zoo officials, and the day after the attack a news photographer took an iconic image of Binky with a shoe in his mouth that was printed in almost every press account of the incident.
The next event, six weeks later, involved drunken local teenagers who apparently hoped to swim in Binky’s pool. One nineteen-year-old was hospitalized with leg lacerations after he got too close to the polar bear’s cage and was mauled.
After these attacks, Binky received international news coverage and became a hero in Anchorage. Merchandise including t-shirts, mugs, and bumper stickers, often adorned with the iconic shoe photo or with the slogan “Send another tourist, this one got away,” were popular. Local letters to the editor supported Binky during both incidents, most often arguing that polar bears’ dangerousness should be respected. The Zoo’s director, Sammye Seawell, criticized Warburton’s actions in the Anchorage Daily News, saying “she violated the rules and jeopardized the bear’s life.”
Though Seawell initially insisted that the attack would not change how the zoo is run, security around Binky’s cage was upgraded to keep zoo visitors out.
Binky and cage-mate Nuka died in 1995 of a fungal/bacterial infection to their paws only a few days apart from each other.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Paws infected from hugging Hippies ! Stay away from hippy girls you could get Fungal/bacterium.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I understand sharks stopped eating surfer hippies since they are known to cause hallucinations upon consumption. Also their nasty ratty hair gets stuck in your teeth. What? A shark friend told me. I would never eat hippies myself.. never, how dare you suggest such a thing. You have no proof.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
zzyzx, maybe the upgrade in security was so that Binky wouldn’t get an upset stomach.
Also moose, during mating season, like to get hugs and have people try to sit in their antlers for pictures. You gotta try for the males.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
why are you guys such assholes and hateful toward hippies? most hippies just want to live their lives the way they want and not bother anyone. why do you have a problem with that?
December 17th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
There’s all sorts of cute small animals that need hippie hugs too. Like Komodo dragons, badgers and Tasmanian devils.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Dear Stazzy,
If that were true, we would not have a problem with them. However, every time we turn around, hippies are demanding something stupid, like we stop using oil (rather or not we can find a good alternative), that we only have one child, shut down half of California’s agriculture system in the middle of a recision to save a minnow that is too dumb not to swim into pumps, that we legalize marijuana so they can smoke it in public but outlaw tobacco at the same time for people who like it, or that we use farming techniques that will lead to half of the worlds population starving.
We hate hippies, because they are a bunch of ignorant dushbags who want to destroy the world, in order to protect themselves from imaginary bogeymen.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
#17 is just so wrong and stupid as to be adorable. Like when a 4 year old says that the Moon is made of Green Cheese. Seriously, it’s like watching a severely brain-injured person tie their shoes again. You saw it happen, but can’t figure out for the life of you how it did. It’s like that knowing someone so obviously mentally retarded made it successfully ONTO a computer, managed to access the Internet, and even formed a sort of complete sentence.
Adorable!
December 17th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I suggest they hug wolves as it will accomplish 2 things at once: 1) show their love for nature, and 2) shield them from the evil helicopter hunters…
Stazzy,
I hope you were joking. Hippies are pure evil for all the reasons Marvin gave, plus a few more.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I feel about hippies the way most people feel about 16 year old drivers. I don’t hate that they exist I simply fear for my well-being when they exist near my person. Themselves all full up with delusions, idiocy, and blind aggression while driving massive machinery in this case government and laws.
December 17th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Dear Stazzy:
If hippies were RICH they would be eccentrics.
We can’t pick on eccentrics, because they can sue ya! (being rich and all).
Al Gore is the exception that proves the rule, He can never admit to being a Fat old Hippy.
December 17th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
It seems appropriate that Stazzy’s Mutagenic Avatar is a Moonbat.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
The problem is the transportation of the hippies to the polar bears. Imagine the size of the carbon imprint getting all these helpful huggers to the frozen wasteland that is the Arctic.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
how cute we’ve got a pissed off hippie loving troll.
December 17th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Stazzy, do you know what “communism” is? Well, what someone else told you was a bunch of crap. Communism is mean. Not very nice at all. It takes away something we call “liberty” and replaces it with something we call “slavery”. Hippies like this communism thing because they’re brainwashed and idealistic and think it will provide for everything.
When hippies stop liking communism, then we can talk.
Also, if you’re a hippie, I advise you don’t talk to any veterans of the Vietnam War (or the “Great People’s War against the Capitalist slavedrivers” as college folks call it). Some of them are still upset about hippies calling them names not fit to print here and throwing Lord knows what.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
What could show your love for earth more than hugging it’s closest neighbor, the moon. And when they start hugging the moon, Frank will know what to do…
December 17th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
[...] Idea for Getting Rid of Hippies IMAO ^ Here
December 17th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Alligators need hugs too.
December 18th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Hippies smell bad, and are mostly useless, except for UFC MMA training, and they are a great backup when monkeys are unavailable, due to geographic reasons.
December 18th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Kismet/Schadenfreude/Karma/Astrological star alignment for Washington D.C. Weather for Friday-Saturday, Dec.18-19
Let It Snow, Let It Snow,Let It Snow. 10-16″ please LORD, hear our cry. Bring the Polar Bears to Washington D.C.
December 18th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Poor thing, he doesn’t even have a bottle of Coke like the other polar bears.
December 18th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Hippies getting mualed by wild animals. Someone make sure you video tape it so we can make a ton of money on Pay Per Veiw.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am
To tell you the truth DeckApe I’ve never believed the story of Binky and his mate’s death. It’s always been my theory that they were done in by agents of the Anchorage Bureau of Tourism due to the negative attitude Binky displayed towards tourists and drunks.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Your post inspired me to create this bumper sticker. You can find it at this link: http://www.zazzle.com/hug_the_bears_bumper_sticker-128969068133608528
December 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Stazzy, fair enough. We just want to live our lives the way we want, and that means plenty O hippy punchin’.
It was fun watching foreign hippies gettin a bit o billy club love at the Carbonhogworts climate boondoggle.
Hippy punching is a internationally accepted form of havin’ fun apparently.
December 18th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
It’s just WRONG to limit the hippy hugging to polar bears. Black bears, grizzly bears, tigers, lions, alligators, Komodo Dragons, Great White sharks, hell, pick any dangerous predator out there, are all bummed out over global warning! Why, I just overheard a couple of alligators here in FLA just bummed out the Copenhagen climate wasn’t going well and if only some hippies would come over to the swamp and give them a nice hug or two they felt everything would be OK. IMAO could take the lead in helping deserving predators get their hippy dinners, er, I mean, hugs. Yeah, that’s it.
And if you’re a hippy but can’t find any predators to hug, I’m sure there’s a few vicious pit bulls in your neighborhood just diying for a hug from you or Al Gore.
December 18th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Oh damn! I forgot porcupines, badgers and rabid racoons need hippy hugs too.
December 18th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
As I’ve always said, Some of my Greatest Heroes are Ohio National Guardsmen, circa 1970. Yes, sir!
December 18th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Far out! Did someone just time warp us back to the 60s? Cool. But there aren’t any Hippies left, man. They all became investment bankers and teachers in the 80s. Trust me. I know. Groovy.
December 19th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I don’t know what would be more entertaining hippies getting mauled by these wonderful critters, or hippies in a blender.
December 19th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Ahhh! Look at the adorable baby polar bears in the WWF and Nature Canada ads!
How can any sensitive soul Not hug them?
(You go first!)
December 21st, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Everyone with brains and can think critically (see ‘progressive’) understands that Polar Bears are cute and cuddly. That is why they are endangered! We’ve all seen many advertisements where they are the big stars, which proves that they are simply misunderstood creatures. If they get mad then it is only because our lifestyle is causing them grief, just like how we are creating terrorism by supporting Capitalism. The claim that they are the largest carnivores on the planet, and therefore dangerous, is a lie funded by BIG-OIL who simply hate all animals.
Do hippies know that Polar Bears really love to play with their food? They’ll find that out quick enough when they try to steal the fresh seal kill from a cub! That’s a video I’d pay to watch.