Frequently Asked Questions: Celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week

Posted on June 6, 2012 5:01 pm

Much like other week-long holidays that no one knows anything about (lookin’ your way, Kwanzaa), people WANT to celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week, but they’re afraid of doing it wrong and looking foolish, like a Democrat trying to create jobs by raising taxes and banning oil drilling.

So for those who have never celebrated Frank J. Birthday Week before – which, I guess, is everyone – here’s a handy FAQ:
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FIRE! – The official rapid exothermic chemical oxidation process of Frank J. Birthday Week!

Why was Frank J. Birthday Week created?

To help people understand not just who Frank J. is, but WHY he is, by spreading the message of peace through nuclear explosions on the natural satellite of one’s home planet. Also, we need to force people to understand that that which does not make America more awesome must be mocked derisively and without mercy.

Isn’t “birthday week” an oxymoron?

No. It’s actually more of a temporal paradox caused by a slight calibration error in IMAO’s tachyon generator. Should have it fixed by this weekend.

Why not just have a “birthday day” like normal people?

Because if you tried to compress that much joy and celebration into one day, it would explode. It’s very similar to how a diesel engine works. We’re working on getting a billion dollar green energy grant from the administration to develop the idea.

Can people who are not Moon Nukers and who’ve never even heard of IMAO celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?

Of course! Much like the non-Irish are allowed and even encouraged to drink too much, brawl senselessly, and eat horrible food like corned leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, Frank J. Birthday Week is an open, all-inclusive holiday. Except that IMAO has a strict NO IRISH! policy.

Wait… you mean you’ll even let hippies celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?

If we didn’t invite hippies, who would we punch in the face?

What foods are traditionally eaten during Frank J. Birthday Week?

Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, beaked beans, bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon. We would also suggest Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, served in a Proven├žale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and bacon. Beware of Vikings, though.

How is Frank J. Birthday Week related to our struggle to achieve social justice, promote environmental sustainability, and build a better, more economically equitable world?

You’re here for the punching, aren’t you?

What are the benefits of celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week?

NOW you’re asking smart questions! “What’s in it for me?” This is the kind of greedy, capitalistic, profit-mongering frame of mind that Frank J. Birthday Week exists to encourage. I think you’re already benefitting.

Is Frank J Birthday Week getting too commercialized?

Hey, we’re all tired of seeing the stores start decorating for Frank J. Birthday Week earlier and earlier every year, but since Frank loves him some capitalism, it’s hard to argue that the true spirit of Frank J. Birthday Week is somehow diminished by the shelves full of Frank J. bobble-heads, Moon-Nuker biker jackets, and IMAO-logo ornaments suitable for hanging on .50 cal machine guns. Meanwhile, we’ll work on getting a Charlie Brown Frank J. Birthday Week special produced to help keep it real.

Are there any age restrictions on celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week? Can you be too young or too old?

Generally no, although, as life begins at conception, we do recommend that you celebrate responsibly by waiting until you’ve acquired 46 chromosomes and achieved zygote status. Those that are old enough to be dead should restrict their activities to voting Democrat and avenging themselves upon those who dare to disturb their sacred ancient burial grounds.

What are the Seven Principles of Frank J. Birthday Week?

Umoja (Hippie Punching)
Kujichagulia (Moon-Nuking)
Ujima (Greedy, Capitalistic, Profit-Mongering)
Ujamaa (Fighting the Monkey Menance)
Nia (Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers)
Kuumba (Space Lasers)
Tmani (SCIENCE!)

Some people have added things to their celebration of Frank J. Birthday Week which seem to differ from its original vision and values. How should those who want to maintain the original vision and values, and at the same time allow for diversity within the holiday, respond to this?

Just rub some bacon on it.
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Hope that helps everyone to have a fun, safe, and enjoyable Frank J. Birthday Week.

I’m off to go fry me up some bacon.

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10 Responses to “Frequently Asked Questions: Celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week”

  1. zzyzx says:

    Frank J. Birthday Week seems to have more caveats then a failed government program.

  2. Iowa Jim says:

    Frank J. bobble-heads

    Isn’t that redundant?

  3. Harvey says:

    Iowa Jim – Dang tachyon generator again. I swear this thing is getting worse instead of generator again. I swear this thing is getting again. I swear this thing is getting worse instead of better.

  4. Jimmy says:

    Harvey, regarding this “Diesel Cycle” analogy of yours. As all of us closet thermodynamodynamicystic types know, it’s a “constant pressure heat addition” cycle which is inherently more efficient than the gas-guzzling (or beer-guzzling, if you’re like most bloogers) “Otto Cycle.” This is consistent with the high pressure atmosphere around here of constant-awesome blog additions by the crack IMAO staff, including Frank J., even on his birthday of all times (!), I might add, as the mixture is adjusted to saturation with other team members with no pressure or heat loss through the walls of the cylindrical IMAO container in the brown paper bag. This when combined with the fantastic dinner spread – and potato salad made by your Irish-type commenters (like me) make for a good…, ah, I mean. Is the meat done?

    I just wanted to complete the science! topic you started. For Frank’s benefit, of course!

  5. Harvey says:

    Bless you Jimmy. In my Navy days, I was a on a steam-turbine-powered aircraft carrier, so I don’t know squat about diesels.

    They only taught me about the diesel effect so I would know why it’s a bad idea to let oil get into compressed-air piping systems.

  6. Jimmy says:

    Oh, and Conflagrations! on that cake, Frank. (Nice, Harvey!)

  7. Burt says:

    Maybe I’m not cut out for this celebration. I find Beaked Beans hard to swallow.

  8. Harvey says:

    Baked beans are off. Did you want bacon instead of the baked beans?

  9. Jimmy says:

    What are the Seven Corollaries of Frank J. Birthday Week?

    Hojivaja (Hobo Hunting)
    Canchucka (Blame Canada)
    Ouiwhaa (Screw The French)
    Mexicango (One-way Trip In A Mexicannon)
    Ziweezowa (Hot Gun Babe With Baby)
    Crackachanga (Broken iPad No Fun)
    Bamoboomba Flappa Blappa (Worst President Ever!)

  10. Steve says:

    Shouldn’t this be titled “Frankquently Asked Questions:”?

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