We’re pretty sure North Korea has nuclear weapons, and this would be a serious and scary affair if their leader wasn’t so damn goofy looking with his poofy hair and all. He’s like the clown prince of evil dictators. Still, Bush seems comitted to a diplomatic solution, and, while I favor… uh… what’s the opposite of a diplomatic solution? Oh yeah, a bomb the crap out of them solution. As I was saying, while I favor that, here are some ideas for a diplomatic solution:
TOP TEN DIPLOMATIC SOLUTIONS TO THE NORTH KOREAN NUCLEAR CRISIS
10. Offer free coupon for SuperKutz in exchange for nuclear warheads.
9. At talks, say, “Hey! Look over there!” Then grab nuclear warheads and run away while laughing (laughing makes you run faster).
8. Ask Kim Jong Il to “Please dismantle nukes.” If that doesn’t work, raise to pretty please. Then put sugar on top. Then offer to be his best friend.
7. Have people negotiating with Kim Jong Il have even larger and poofier hair so that he is shamed.
6. Make nuclear armament a symbol of gay pride. Joke to Kim Jong Il, “I didn’t know you swung that way.”
5. Dress up cruise missiles in suits and ties so they look like diplomats. Have then be tough, but fair, and then explode.
4. Buy a big meal from KFC and eat it in front of the North Korean people while saying, “Mmmm… this is good chicken! I just wish I had citizens of a country which isn’t proliferating nuclear weapons to share it with.”
3. Have Bush challenge Kim Jong Il to kung fu fight for the warheads. Cheat like all ‘ell.
2. Say we will exchange his nuclear warheads for even better ones. What we give them instead are spray-painted automatic bread makers.
And, the number one diplomatic solution to the North Korean nuclear crisis…
Do that “Got your nose!” trick to Kim Jong Il. Say you won’t give his nose back until he dismantles his nuclear weapons program.
Heard that we actually did #2 already, were just as suprised to learn that their “Atomic Weapons” Were micro wave ovens filled with alluminum foil.
The Dear Leader can’t make any concessions right now, he’s in the middle of an election campaign.
No. Really. I’m not making it up.
#6 will work. Kim Jong Il used to be a big-time movie producer, you know. He likes tall, leggy blonds.
No. Really. I’m not making it up.
Why don’t we just tell Kim Jong Il that he would make more money as a televangelist? If he took the bait he would leave behind the life of evil dictator and replace it with a less damaging life of bilking morons out of their cash.
Wait…wouldn’t that make him a democrat?
Nevermind.
Love #7. Haven’t laughed so hard in hours. Th
I’m in favor of Prelim. A, Quasi-Diplomatic Efforts, along the lines of:
“Uh, say, Kim… wouldn’t it be SOMEthing to watch all those THIN people outside of your capital, warming their hands on the glowing ashes of what USED to be Pyong-Yang, and then, watch as we can see their skeletons showing up from all the radiation coming off the REMAINS of your once-nearly-dead, lifeless burg AFTER one rogue, poorly-controlled nuke OSTENSIBLY yours…. lands on YOUR once nearly-living capital… ”
Crude suggestion. Takes a while to sink in.
When he gets the joke, and laughs, we do a perfectly-timed, well-coordinated US-Australian tapdance and lay in some 37 tactically-tipped fast-flying delivery-devices, and the 11-minute war comes to an end and the seriously-shocked survivors start plodding southward, singing “Food please, no shoot… Food, please… no shoot..”
No shit.
Top 10 Diplomatic solutions for North Korea
Frank over at IMAO posted a hillarious list of ways to win a diplomatic solution to the North Korean Nuclear Weapons cock-up of Bush II. We’re pretty sure North Korea has nuclear weapons, and this would be a serious and…
The fearless leader of the North Koreans is so bazarro world that any one of the 10 might actually work. Although I am particularly partial to #2.
Re: #7. So basically send Don King in to negotiate?
Frank J. Time
It’s been awhile seen I’ve linked to Frank J. and today should be an exception. Today I’m entered in his Permalinks contest and I will have to write valiantly to appeal to the Frank J audience. However, before we get…
This is hilarious. Of course I love #9, where it is again stated that laughing makes you run faster. Maybe that’s why the Joker got away from Batman sometimes?
I have to try that laughing-while-running thing. You would have to run and laugh pretty fast though because everybody knows the bad guys walk faster than the good guys run. Especially if they are wearing a black cape and a breathing apparatus.
okay, everybody try laughing-to-make-you-run-faster; it comes out sounding pretty maniacal…
Number seven is bound to work. Perhaps we should recruit Don King for the occassion?