Archive of entries posted on July 2005

If the Shuttle makes it back, scrap it.

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Oh great… I saw in the Washington Times that “debris” fell off the space shuttle at launch. God, I pray that the seven astronauts make it safely back to Earth.
When they are back home, roll the shuttle off the runway of Edwards AFB and scrap it. The shuttle should be a museum piece like the Saturn V rocket and outer space should be commercialized using free market principles on safety grounds alone.

Continue reading ‘If the Shuttle makes it back, scrap it.’ »

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 1 – Organized Crime

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There are two main parts to organized crime: the organization and the crime. I focus pretty much exclusively on the crime half… and I’m very good at that half. But those tasked with the organization have a tendency to screw things up from time to time, and, to be frank, that sometimes makes me a little irate. And, as a certified psychopath, you think people would be more cautious about making me irate.
I took out my phone. “Vito, my instruction were to kill the purple alien with tentacles out of its head at the north most bar in Zertres, right?”
“Yeah. What’s up?”
“I see about three dozen purple aliens with tentacles coming out of their heads in front of me, that’s what.”
“Uh… maybe I got the instructions wrong. Maybe you’re supposed to kill the alien there that isn’t purple with tentacles coming out of its head.”
“That would be me, Vito! And I don’t get paid enough to take on someone as dangerous as me. Can you at least get me a name?”
“No, I’m afraid I’m a couple layers away from where the order originated. The target should be there, but it would probably take me hours to…”
I hung up on Vito and took a deep breath (never kill angry). One option was to kill everyone there, but I had neither the time nor the explosives for that. Since about all the patrons of the bar were looking at me and noting my lack of purpleness and tentacles, I decided to try a direct approach to locate my target. I’ve never been much for discretion anyway; I’m a hitman, not an assassin.
“Anyone here have reasons a major crime syndicate would want him dead?”
NEXT

Carnival of Comedy Reminder

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uncleimao.jpg
Don’t forget the Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday, July 28th!
The crew at RHOG are hosting the Carnival this week. Thanks Guys!
If you have a good, funny post or for that matter any other funny something, there’s still lots of time to get your funny on!
Carnival Schedule:
Week 14 – Aug. 4 – Right Wing Duck
Week 15 – Aug. 11 – Conservathink
Week 16 – Aug. 18 – ?? Dunno, you maybe?
Week 17 – Aug. 25 – ?? It’s a mystery. Nobody’s stepped up.
Send inquiries about hosting the Carnival of Comedy to spacemonkey.you.suck-@t-gmail-d0t.-com. (remove the appropriate nonsense)
Info about joining the Carnival of Comedy is here.

Time to Get My Hippy On

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(cross-posted from Bad Example)
Matty O’Blackfive says Jane Fonda’s going to be protesting the Iraq war, and…

Fonda said her anti-war tour in March will use a bus that runs on “vegetable oil.”

Vegetable oil?
Sorry, but as a member of People For the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables, I’m protestin’!

“No veggies for oil!”
“Hey! Hey! Fonda, J.! How many carrots did you kill today?”
“Give peas a chance!”
“Jane lied! Turnips died!”
“Your hands are red with the juice of innocent tomatoes!”
“Avacados are not the enemy!”
“Jane Fonda: herbicidal maniac!”
“How many ears per gallon?”
“Kill one person it’s murder; kill thousands of beans and it’s fuel!”
“Free speech, not processed leeks!”
“Jane Fonda is Mazola’s puppet!”
“Real patriots defend potatoes!”
“The road to peace is not paved with pea pods!”

Don’t let Jane get away with this atrocity against innocent produce!

Godspeed, Brave Travellers

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Just came down from the roof of the building I’m working in. First it was just this big flame in the distance traveling skyward, smoke soon forming behind it. It didn’t go straight up, but diagonally instead, the path arcing as it got higher. Eventually the flame died down and all I could see was a snake of smoke continuing to grow into the sky, with little flashes at its tip. Then the smoke stopped completely and there was a little white speck continuing to move through the blue. Eventually, my eyes became watery from looking upwards towards the sun, and I lost sight of it.
Good luck, spacemen!
UPDATE: SarahK took some pictures from where she works and will post them tonight.

A Fun Political Activity for the Whole Family!

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NARAL (which is not an acronym for a phrase with “abortion” in it) sent me a script to call my Senators with:

Hi, my name is _________ and I’m one of Senator ___________’s constituents. I’m calling to urge the senator to oppose the confirmation of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. I know Roberts has led a distinguished legal career, but he also has a clear record as a legal activist who has advocated for the overturn of Roe v. Wade and has used public positions to further this goal. This is in direct opposition to the position of the vast majority of Americans and Sandra Day O’Connor’s legacy. I ask that the senator oppose any nominee who will not respect my right to personal freedom and personal responsibility.
I’m following this issue closely and will be paying attention to how the senator votes on this issue. Thank you for your time.

I was thinking of actually calling up my Senators and reading that as robotically as possible. Instead, I had a brilliant new idea:
OUTRAGED LETTER TEMPLATE MADLIBS!!!
Okay, everyone list:
1. a name
2. an adjective
3. a plural noun
4. a singular noun
5. an adjective
6. a present-tense verb
7. a plural noun
8. a plural noun
9. a past tense verb
10. a singular noun
11. a singular noun
Got those all written down? (don’t proceed until you do)

Continue reading ‘A Fun Political Activity for the Whole Family!’ »

George and The Spin Factory, Part 2

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George and the Spin Factory Part 2.
Part 1
**
We look in on President George Bush as he glares at his Oval Office Radio. “You take that back you lying sack of sugar. Who in heck is going to believe that boy when he says that Rove has the mark of the beast on his back?”
“Lots of people do, sir. Lots of them.”
“We should get rid of them. How could they be of any use to us?”
“On the contrary sir, each election, a certain percentage of those people mistakenly vote Republican. It’s a small but important number. We call it the Bong Blip.”
“I don’t care, I tell you. I don’t see how people believe this stuff.I have my best people out there trying to fight all these lies. Where’s my remote control? What channel is today’s press conference on?
“All of them, Mr. President.”
“Okay, where’s the All button? Oops. Oh there’s Scotty right now.”
“Thank you for joining us today at this press conference.”
“Al Franken says that Rove bears the mark of the best. Your opinion?”
The President watches from his office. “Watch this — he’s gonna tear him apart.”
“We can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Rove bears the mark of the beast. In fact, we don’t know WHERE he shops — but we do believe it should be his own personal business. No matter what the Patriot Acts says in the fine print.”
“See — nothing but the best. How do they make that stuff stick?”
**
Slowly, the invitations start to go out.
**
We catch up to Michael Moore, who sits at home — eating.
“Sir, you have received an interesting email.” Said Seymour.
“I told you to tell them it was Artistic License.”
“No, sir. It’s not the usual email. It’s the other kind?”
“Free invite?”
“It appears you are invited to attend a function of Al Franken and Company.”
“Hot dog!”
“So you are excited by this, sir?”
“No. I mean, get me some hot dog. You guys are really slow today. And call the Hygiene Cabin – tell them to have the full crew ready.”
**
Dan Rather sits in his office. “So this is a computer, huh? Wow, this is cool. This is nothing like a typewriter — oh so THAT’S what they mean by ‘font’?”
“Yes, Mr. Rather. ”
“So how come I haven’t heard from Al Franken? I want an invite to that tour. You HAVE been calling him, haven’t you?”
“Sir, I’ve left messages for him repeatedly..”
“And you’re saying–?”
“What you told me to say sir, that the Most Powerful Man in the History of Broadcasting would like a word with him–”
“Funny. He should have called by now.”

Continue reading ‘George and The Spin Factory, Part 2’ »

Tell Me Vegetable Oil Is Prone to Uncontrollable Combustion

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You’d think Jane Fonda may have gained some insight in her years since being a traitor during Vietnam, but, no, she’s going on an anti-war bus tour. Is there anyone in America with less credibility than her to be protesting a war?
Hopefully she’ll go all the way again and pose with insurgents in Iraq. Then, Marines can raid the are killing her and all the insurgents in a hail of gunfire. Frankly, I think her being shot to death as an enemy combatant is the only way she’ll learn.
Oh, I need to get a quote from my dad on this one…

News Round-Up Monday

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Good Afternoon, I’m RightWingDuck and this is your News Round-Up.
Yes, it has been a while hasn’t it? So I’ll start off easy and work my way up throughout the week.
Do you know what this world needs? Fewer Stereotypes.
On a recent trip to the Middle East, singer Ricky Martin said he wants to help Arabs with their stereotypes.
“I have been a victim of stereotypes. I come from Latin America and to some countries, we are considered ‘losers,’ drug traffickers, and that is not fair because that is generalizing,” said Martin, who was born in Puerto Rico.
He vowed to help them any way he could.
Because nothing helps the Arab image than to get help from a Latino who won’t even admit he’s heterosexual.

Martin attended the silver jubilee of the Arab Children’s Congress set up 25 years ago by Jordan’s Queen Nour, King Hussein’s widow, to promote creativity, peace, cross-cultural understanding and tolerance. He said he would like to promote a similar youth congress for his native Latin America.
Provided he can rustle up enough kids who weren’t working as mules.
Ricky Martin is determined to make a difference. In fact, in their honor, he will launch a new hit single — Living La Vida Jihad.
Does it leave you a bit dizzy? You should take something.
In London , Mars, the company that made its fortune satisfying chocolate cravings, announced plans Monday to develop medications that use a component of cocoa to help treat diabetes, strokes and vascular disease.

Wow, help with vascular disease. I can just hear the jingle now–
Bom bom bom bom
sometimes you feel like a stroke.
Bom bom bom bom
Sometimes you don’t.

Continue reading ‘News Round-Up Monday’ »

In My World: All Rise for the Honkey

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“I want to introduce my new Supreme Court nominee,” President Bush told his staff. John Roberts then walked into the room.
“That’s not a woman!” Cheney shouted.
“And he looks pretty white,” Alberto Gonzales said.
“I think he’s a white man!” Condoleezza Rice exclaimed, “Did you know you nominated a white man?”
“Why? What?” Bush asked, quite confused.
“No one is more unpopular these days than white men,” Cheney explained.
“But I’m a white man!” Bush responded.
“And you’re not polling well right now,” Condi stated, “but everyone loves me. I’m a black woman.”
“And I’m a torturing Mexican,” Alberto said, “I poll through the roof.”
“I’m sure you’ll all like me when you get to know me,” John Roberts said.
“Wow! He’s boring sounding!” Alberto declared, “You nominated a boring, stupid gringo, you boring, stupid gringo.”
“Aww,” Bush moaned, “I thought I picked a nominee good.”
“Back in my day, white men did everything,” grumbled Rumsfeld, “They even played basketball.”
“That’s not how things work now,” Cheney said, “Dubya, just take your nominee in front of the press and you’ll see.”

“So why did you think the best new nominee for the Supreme Court is some dumb cracker?” asked the first reporter.
“John Roberts has many great qualifications,” Bush answered, pointing to John Roberts who stood next to him.
“But you will not deny that he is, in fact, a honkey?”
“Now, I think you’ll all find I could make a great Supreme Court Justice if you just interview me,” John Roberts said.
“Everyone get close!” a reporter shouted, “I bet he’s about to say something extremist!”
The reporters all crowded around John Roberts. “Get those mikes away from me!” he yelled.
“He’s against freedom of speech!” shrieked one reporter, “He thinks the freedom of speech is un-Constitutional!”
“That’s not what I said,” John Roberts stated indignantly.
“Be careful,” cautioned another reporter, “I hear if you corner a white man and make him angry, he may lash out and sue!”

“Bush’s new Supreme Court Justice is one of the most destructive forces known,” said the TV announcer as the screen showed scenes of devastation, “a white man! Not only has John Roberts taken the extreme position of being white man, but he also is against the environment, labor, children, and women. With him in the Supreme Court, he won’t rest until all humanity is dead – except for the babies women didn’t want! Tell the White House now that John Roberts is an unacceptable extremist and a cracker.”
“That makes him seem at least a little interesting,” Bush said as he turned off the T.V. and went to bed.
“I told you you should have nominated a woman,” Laura responded.
Bush chuckled. “A woman judge; now that’s wacky.”