“All I’m saying is that we need a draft because our military is full of morons,” Representative Charlie Rangel told Chris Wallace. “Most who join the military are people who wandered into a recruiting office thinking it was a candy store and then were too stupid to figure out how to use the door knob to get out. By drafting smarter people into the military, we’ll free up the mentally handicapped who currently serve so they can go back to sweeping the floors at McDonalds.”
“Do you really think it’s wise to talk about the troops in such a demeaning way?” Wallace asked.
“We Democrats made our complete and utter contempt for the military clear before the election and take the result of the election to mean that the American people share our contempt for the inbred morons we now have risking their lives overseas.”
President Bush shut off the TV. “I wish that man would just SHUT UP!”
Tony Snow nodded. “What he’s saying is pretty despicable.”
“Oh, I was just talking about his voice; it’s so annoying and raspy.” Bush looked to Tony with concern. “Why? What was he saying? Was it about me?”
Tony rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I have to explain to the press how you missed your last speech because you got trapped in a bathroom stall again.”
“Okay, but have you seen Rummy around?”
“I believe he was last seen being lead away by police as the suspect for a long series of serial killings.”
Bush chuckled. “That wacky Rummy; what mischief will he get into next.”
Tony left and a group of fat Republican Congressman smoking cigars entered the Oval Office. Bush looked at his schedule. “I’m supposed to meet with the new Republican leadership now, but you guys look like the old leadership.”
“Ha!” Roy Blunt laughed, his belly shaking like a bowl full of tax money. “We didn’t see any reason to change leadership. We’re the Republican Party and we know what’s best.”
“But won’t the base be unhappy with no changes after the big election loss?” Bush asked.
“Our response to the Republican base will be to punch them in the face, knock them down into a puddle, spit on them, and then yell, ‘What are you going to do? Start your own party?'” Blunt and the rest of the Congressman then laughed.
Bush thought for a moment. “I don’t think they’ll like that.”
“So what? What are they going to do? Start their own party?” Representative Boehner demanded.
Bush shrugged. “Yeah, I guess they can’t do that. It’s not like they’re going to vote for whatever dyed blue freak holding a ferret the Libertarians are fielding either.” He then noticed Trent Lott was with the group. “Hey, I thought he got thrown out of leadership years ago.”
“But I’m back now!” Lott exclaimed. “And I’m the new minority whip in the Senate!” He pulled out a whip and cracked it in the air. “That’s right! I’m going to whip me some minorities! Gonna whip the black right off ’em!”
Blunt shrugged. “We’ll talk to him.”
“So what are we going to do about the border issue?” Bush asked. “Everyone keeps yelling at me over that one.”
Blunt thought about it. “Well, I mentioned how we are going to punch the Republican base in the face. I guess we can also yell at them to stop hating brown people. It’s not like we want to stop Mexicans from getting in here; if we don’t get more of them, who will cut my lawn? You?”
“Sure, I can do it,” Bush said. “With my new lame duck status, I have more free time.”
“Nah… you’d do it all wrong. It has to be done my Mexicans.”
Bush shook his head. “I dunno. A lot of people are going to get angry if we don’t at least pretend to do something about illegal immigration.”
“I’ll stop the Mexicans!” Lott shouted. “I’ll whip the chalupas right out of their hands.” He cracked his whip some more.
Bush looked back towards Blunt. “You are going to talk to him, right?”
“Eh, I don’t see any reason to worry. Remember, all we have to do is be better than the Democrats. That’s like trying to out run an invalid; why even break a sweat?”
“I guess that makes sense. Does Rove approve of all of this?”
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “Everything is going according to plan.”
“And you do have an actual plan, right?” Bush asked. “This isn’t like how Battlestar Gallatica starts by saying the Cylons have a plan but with each new episode you doubt that even more?”
Karl Rove laughed an evil laugh and disappeared back into the shadows.
“Well, we better get back to work,” Blunt said. “It’s not like the Republican base will punch themselves. Isn’t that right, Representative Coca-Cola?”
A Congressman nodded in approval.
Bush furrowed his brow. “Representative Coca-Cola?”
“I sold my last name out as advertising space!” Coca-Cola said.
“Is that a conflict of interest?”
Coca-Cola began to advance on Bush, but Blunt grabbed his shoulder. “We’re not allowed to punch him in the face.”
The Congressmen left and Bush sat down at his desk and took a Nintendo DS out of a drawer. “Man, this job got less stressful when I realized that, whether I’m achieving great things or I’m a lame duck who spends all day playing videogames, I still get paid the same.”
Archive of entries posted on November 2006
Judge Demands that Radio Be More Available to Deaf People
Today, a judge declared that radio is unfair to Deaf people. Radio has 90 days to figure out how to make itself available to those who are hard of hearing.
Said the judge, “After I thought about how paper money is unfair to blind people, I started thinking about how other people with less-than-abilities could benefit from my help. Since the public owns the airwaves, it’s only logical that they be made readily available to everyone to avoid any inconvenience. Even if they can’t hear.”
Said a spokesman for the American Association for Deaf People Who Want Radios (AADPWWR), “This is an important statement and this judge showed excellent judgement. There are deaf people out there who don’t know what they’re listening to. Many times, deaf people try to listen and enjoy the radio but accidentally end up listening to either static or Air America.”
Air America and static have been fighting a vicious ratings war in the last year.
No statement was available from any of the radio stations who might be impacted by this recommendation.
Buy My Book and Support the Troops
I felt kinda bad taking money just for signing books, but I don’t want to make it free so I have to sign every book. So, now the extra $5 goes to Spirit of America, and an anonymous donor is matching that $5 contribution (up to a $1000 total) so that $10 is donated for each signed copy. Go order a signed copy and help support the troops’ mission. Also, make sure to tell me what message you want in the autograph. As always, it will include a self-portrait, though for that portrait it will be important to remember that hat means Frank J. (the reminder will be included with the portrait).
Also, my post about why a wall on the border is a dumb idea is up at Right Wing News.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) In a “Treehouse of Horror” episode, who gets turned into a fly?
2) Who is the son of carny Cooter?
3) What is the name of Snake’s car?
4) How do you spell Apu’s last name?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
IMAO Around Town
I’m guest-blogging at Right Wing News today, and I’ve already done one little post and plan a longer post about border security for later. I’m still planning to post a new In My World™ here later today, though.
Also, make sure to support your local photoshopper as he duels with Gavin M. of the left-wing site Unfunny? Yes! Victory will be ours and then I’ll get his site to host more of my ads!
Flying Imams Terrorize Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport
OK Gavin M., I’ll take up your photoshop duel challenge–if you mess with one of my street ‘ho’s, you mess with me.
Your challenge is to come up with a funnier take on the “flying imams” story than the one above. After you fail, you get to pick the next topic, create a photoshop, and I will try to best you, and so on and so forth. Choose a particular picture, a phrase, a theme, a person–I don’t care. Let’s see what you’ve got . . .
UPDATE: Although Gavin M. came back with a worthy response, I still feel compelled to declare victory.
Also, constructive criticizers, if you think I’m going to spend the time required to put together Worth 1000 level submissions, you need to put down the crackpipe/Jesus juice (depending on your political persuasion). I’m not on public assistance, in college , a graphic artist, or single–all prerequisites for that level of dedication.
In other news . . . NASA scientists are perplexed . . .
Continue reading ‘Flying Imams Terrorize Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport’ »
Bears-Packers Rivalry Now Classified As “Civil War”
In a major decision by NBC, the long-standing rivalry between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears will now be referred to as a “Civil War”.
In a morning press conference today, Matt Lauer, co-anchor of NBC’s “Today” show explained, “after careful consideration, NBC News has decided a change in terminology is warranted, that the situation in NFC North Division with armed militarized factions fighting for their own political agendas can now be characterized as civil war.”
Lauer was quick to dismiss criticism of the decision.
“While some may not agree with our new terminology, I’d like to point out several salient facts:
“First, Brett Favre has frequently been referred to as a ‘gunslinger’ with a ‘rocket arm’ that has launched thousands of murderous, high-speed footballs that have killed millions, or at least broken Donald Driver’s finger once.”
“Second, Bears coach Lovie Smith [no relation to Mrs. Thurston Howell III – ed.] has declared repeatedly that his goal is to build a team that can defeat the Packers. Now THAT’S an agenda!”
When asked about whether either team was technically “militarized”, Lauer countered with incontrovertible evidence.
“What? Are you blind? They wear UNIFORMS! And talk about well-armed! Everywhere you go: Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads!… They may not look very formidable, but those things have corners… pointy corners…”
Murderous Cheesehead extremist prepares for battle in NFC North Civil War.
Meanwhile, other news organizations have been swept up in the re-classification mania and will henceforth refer to the following as Civil Wars:
* Arguing over how to split the check during a “girl’s night out”.
* Squirmy toddler diaper-changing.
* Any Dick Cheney hunting trip.
IMAO will continue to bring you further updates, unless we’re too busy fighting a Civil War with some sort of War Mongering Horde.
Shopping Ideas from IMAO!
The Christmas season is here and it’s time to reach out to each other in the spirit of the season and move our country forward. It’s time to reach out to liberals.
But how do we do that? What kind of gift do you give somebody who might be offended at the idea of saying Merry Christmas?
That’s where the IMAO giftshop comes in. We have a special line of toys and other gifts that are sure to make you a hit with all of your liberal friends.
For example, try today’s gift suggestion–
There’s No Bad Publicity
I need publicity to sell my book, and people are already helping out. Wild Bill is spreading lies about me here and here. Sadly, No! is making fun of my primitive conservative humor (“Right-wing humor is so easy, a caveman could do it!”).
If you have a blog, you can join in and bad mouth me. Otherwise, you can send out e-mails trashing me.
Anyway, soon I’m writing an editorial of an extremely controversial viewpoint for the sole purpose of gaining publicity to promote my book. Remember to be outraged.
Don’t Call Them The Democrat Party
I heard on Rush Limbaugh yesterday that some of the Democrats are bent out of shape because some people, Rush and Bush included, call their party the Democrat Party instead of the Democratic Party. I know I do this.
I guess they want at least the idea of Democracy to be somewhat associated with them. Sell the sizzle, not the steak and all that.
But is it very democratic to dictate to others what you would have them call you? Oh, I think not. Dictatorly, that’s what it is.
But, since they want to be all democratic-like, what to call them should be decided in a democratical way.
By a vote. And vote we will. Now taking nominations. No profanity please.
What would be a good democratically chosen name for the party with the big smelly ass for a mascot?
Michael Moore Wants to Cut and Run and Eat a Hundred Tacos in One Sitting
I’m assuming the second part.
Moore has been writing a lot of letters lately; maybe he got wedged in his computer chair and can’t get out. And, since videogames are boring if your strategy is to always cut and run, he might as well write long e-mails. Here’s the newest one:
Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
Friends,
Tomorrow marks the day that we will have been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.
Which is significant because….
That’s right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it’s taken the world’s only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.
Actually, I think we’re still in Germany and Japan. Plus, back then, we were more blood-thirsty. Maybe we need to kill more of our enemy. You may have a point, fatty.
And we haven’t even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole.
And after 1,347 days of WII (isn’t that the new Nintendo system?) it was nothing but happy times in Europe, wasn’t it? Stop trying to think with the fat in your head, fatty fat fat. Use that brain!
“Ooh! People are using bombs against us! We better give up now!” Are you arguing that anytime a few people can make bombs, we have to flee like Frenchman? Should we exit Montana?
You are so fat!
Continue reading ‘Michael Moore Wants to Cut and Run and Eat a Hundred Tacos in One Sitting’ »
I’m Back!
Yay!
I have a bit of catching up to do, and first off is go through my e-mail. Also, I’ve seen like no news for a week, so I’ll need to look into what’s happening.
Did the Republicans decide to completely change their ways so they can whup the Democrats in two years?
Did Rangel apologize to the troops and declare he does nothing but moronically insult the troops in an annoying voice so he should really stop talking?
Did the Democrats just come to grips that they can’t govern and have no ideas and declare they will hand over the government to more responsible people?
That would super if all that happened. I should check the news. While I do that, you can buy my book.
UPDATE: I guess I should give clearer instructions on the signed copies of the book. There’s a field to fill in for what personalized message you want in the signature like “To my greatest fan ever” or “To the largest fan ever” or “I just wrote all over your book and there are no refunds.” If you already ordered a signed copy and want to put some instructions on the signature, just e-mail NTM Publishing sales with the further instructions.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Whip’N’Pup is the name of the Simpson’s dog
2) When Homer and Snake are fighting all over Snake’s moving car, what does the car eventually run into?
3) In Vietnam, Seymour Skinner got a metal plate put where?
4) Who are the barflies usually seen in Moe’s Tavern with Barney?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
Pickle Tales – Round 2
Y’all are just champing at the bit for another IMAO podcast, aren’t you?
Well, while you’re waiting, at least one of the IMAO podcasters isn’t sitting by idly, waiting for the call… (no, it’s not Harvey),
First off, thanks to everyone for their support in Round One with my story “Lincoln, As I Recall…”
Well, it’s time for Round Two, and my tale “Bag Man” is among the six stories in this round.
You know the drill: Listen to the stories here, register for the forums here, and then vote for your favorite here.
The show is 60 minutes long, but after ten minutes or so you should pretty much be settled on which story is the best.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Sideshow Mel is Sideshow Bob’s brother?
2) Sideshow Bob’s brother threatens to blow up what?
3) What is the name of the catalog from the Springfield sperm bank?
4) In “Brother From Another Series”, what’s the name of Cousin Merle’s smell-hound?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.