The Qur’an says that if you touch pork you will be unclean and if you touch Fred Thompson you’ll be dead.
Archive of entries posted on June 2007
Enunciating Sunbats of the Iraqiwood Right
With all the annoyance caused by the barking moonbats of the Hollywood left protesting the war (or even worse – doing their version of “supporting the troops”), I sometimes wonder if the terrorists have this problem.
I have this mental image of freshly-bathed, cleanly-shaven men dressed in business suits & shiny shoes, carrying neatly-lettered signs while standing out of the way of both automobile and pedestrian traffic. I can just imagine what slogans they would use to undermine terrorist morale…
- The Koran says that Muslims can’t lick Bush!
- No blood for Sharia!
- We support our terrorists when they blow up their Imams!
- War is unhealthy for children and other living things that the Prophet Mohammed had sex with!
- Bush is a terrorist – and much better at it than you!
- What if they held a war and nobody came? The insurgency STILL wouldn’t stand a chance, that’s what!
- Cowardly tools of Iran! Why are you licking Ahmadinejad’s boots? Tastes great, or less filling?
- Suicide bombing is stupid! Americans can make munitions faster than we can make babies!
- The insurgency’s plan:
1) Set off IED’s
2) ????
3) Caliphate! - America sees more from a satellite than Allah can protect from Heaven!
- Peace now!
Stop the war!
Buy some whiskey!
And a whore!
I really hope the US wins,
’cause they let me have my sins! - Better to live in Guantanamo than die in an airstrike!
- Either learn to say “I surrender!” in English or “I’ve been hit!” in Arabic!
- Car-bombing citizens to win popular support is like screwing for virginity!
- Iraq today: Bush’s Vietnam
Iraq tomorrow: Bush’s Hiroshima
Wonder what the sunbat version of Daily Kos would be like?
I Was Thinking…
It’s Like Finding a Use for the Crud in Your Drain
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If we found a use for the U.N., wouldn’t that be one of the greatest accomplishments of the 21st century?
Here’s my idea: If we don’t like a country, we send our military to blow it to hell. Then we leave and we tell the U.N. to establish a democracy there or peacekeep or whatever.
I know what you’re thinking. “Won’t the U.N. do a horrible job… or nothing at all?”
Probably, but here’s the thing: We’ll just not care. The point is that, when people ask whether we’re going to help a country rebuild after we attacked it, we say we sent the U.N. That sounds responsible, and thus we avoid criticism.
So what happens when the U.N. fails and the country we attacked because even more volatile a threat? It’s simple: We blow it to hell again. You can’t overestimate how great our military is at blowing crap up. As long as we keep our military focused solely on blowing lots of crap up, it will be smooth sailing for us in foreign affairs. And once other countries understand that, maybe they’ll try and establish peaceful governments without our help out of fear of us getting bored and blowing them to hell. Then the U.N. become more of an association of countries trying all they can not to get mauled by the U.S. That sounds more useful than… whatever it is it’s supposed to be doing now.
IMAO Condensed: The Bill of Rights
Overrated Superheroes: Wolverine
One of the biggest problems facing society today is children today is idolizing overrated superheroes. We can’t have our next generation aspiring to be like any loser. That’s why I’m disheartened to see who are some of the superheroes popular with kids these days. Arguably one of the most overrated superheroes is Wolverine.
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Why the hell is this guy popular? He’s a short, hairy, Canadian whose main power is that he has knives on his hands. Yes, knives. Walk to the kitchen, pull a knife out of a drawer, and you’re now as powerful as Wolverine. Since he often operates under the superhero code where you can’t just kill villains, his powers end up even more useless. And how many situations have ever called for a guy with knives on his hands that couldn’t just be solved by carrying a Leatherman?
I guess, if the earth is invaded, the X-Men who can shoot lasers out his eyes, control the weather, and rip things apart with telekinesis will fight the aliens, and Wolverine can carve a turkey for when they get back.
Yeah, I know he also has his “healing factor” allowing him to quickly recover from any wound, but he kinda needs that since, being his only other power is the stupid knives, he’s going to get injured a lot. A lot. I mean constantly. He’d be the shortest lived superhero without it. Wolverine gets beat up so much, he wears the bright yellow costume so at least he won’t be involved hunting accidents as well.
The guy is a loser. If your kids think he’s cool, you should beat them.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Popemobile Upgrades
After a recent frightening incident wherein a deranged German man grabbed the back of the Popemobile, Vatican police officials plan to have the vehicle modified to provide greater protection for His Holiness.
In additioin to extra security features, the new Popemobile will also be provided with an array of other upgrades:
- 17-inch “collection plate” style spinners.
- Hands-free Popephone for use when Commissioner Gordon lights the Popesignal.
- New PA system will include “beatbox” setting.
- Feral Australian Kid to retrieve dropped shotgun shells.
- Can now transform into Popetimus Prime.
- Air conditioned glove compartment to keep spare Pope hat refreshingly cool.
- The big car makers are trying to keep this a secret, but it gets 100 mpg and runs on holy water!
- GPS system pre-programmed with locations of all the best pizza joints.
- Red Bull & Vodka – pre-mixed & on tap!
- SCMODS
- “This ride pimped by God” bumper sticker.
- Rebel-flag roof & “Dixie” horn.
- Won’t start? No problem! It’s got drop-down “Flintstone Floorboards” for emergency take-offs.
- “BNDCT16” vanity plates.
- Engine timing precision-adjusted to make “Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang” sounds.
- Brass Bumpernuts
- Silver naked chick mud flaps.
- Rear window sticker of Calvin peeing on a mosque.
By the way, after the upgrades are finished, all new converts to Catholicism will be given a coupon for a free ride.
I’m thinking it might be worth it.
Possible Hate Crime
Instapundit says that white roofs are better at saving energy.
Isn’t he being a little racist?
Gay Bomb
It often seems like our military gets stuck in a certain way of thinking, which was why I thought it was great to hear the Pentagon considered making a gay bomb. It takes some real outside the box thinking to say at a brainstorming session, “How about instead of killing the enemy, we make them gay?”
I’m not saying it’s a great idea, I’m just saying it’s a new idea. People have been killing each other in war for eons, but they haven’t been making each other gay. Of course, the main defense is to already have a really gay military making them effectively immune to the gay bomb, but not everyone is going to think ahead like that. Also, if Tom Tancredo wants to sound even more extreme, he can threaten that, if there’s another terrorist attack, he will gay bomb Mecca. Tell me the enemy won’t pay attention to that threat.
Threatening to nuke the enemy is tired; it would be nice to be able to threaten to make them gay.
…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)
IMAO as an Information Source
Over the weekend, the original facts I researched about Fred Thompson were the number ten Google hit for “Fred Thompson”, thus putting me on the first results page. I’m now back down to number thirteen, though. Hopefully it will get back up there, because I like it that when people search for useful information they come to IMAO. It gets me a warm feeling inside and angry e-mails about how I wasted someone’s time (and the angry e-mail is time well spent?).
What’s an important fact you first learned from IMAO?
President Bush Has Been the Most Effective President Ever
An Editorial by Frank J.
Remember right after 9/11 how jumpy we were with each fire and explosion that was reported on the news. We knew that is was an inevitable that the terrorists would strike again and the only question was when and how. Yes, more than five and a half years later, there has been no terrorists attacks on U.S. soil. Some will point to other terrorist attacks abroad, but that even more emphasizes the point that, while terrorists are still effective in other, smaller countries, they have been unable to do another attack in the huge target that is the U.S. — even when, as many argue, terrorists hate us more than ever. So, what’s changed since that first attack?
“How do you improve on ‘no terrorism’? Are you going to get the terrorist to come over here and bake us yummy cakes?”
- We’re in numerous messy wars with no end in sight.
- We have an odd and incoherent homeland security.
- Our border situation is out of control.
- The President is hugely unpopular.
Obviously, the only conclusion is that these are the ingredients to an effective defense against terrorism.
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Some may mock that conclusion, saying that President Bush’s action have contributed to the risk of terrorism and that it’s pure luck America hasn’t been attacked again. That’s an idiotic conclusion, though. President Bush has been batting a thousand in the area of terrorism and we have no idea how many curve balls he has been thrown. To argue that it’s luck is like arguing that Mount Rushmore is a natural geological occurrence. The only logical conclusion is that President Bush has purposely orchestrated a effective strategy against terrorism that none of us has the wisdom to understand.
Yes, it seems counter-intuitive, and many “terrorism experts” will argue that much of what President Bush has accomplished — such as the border problems — has increased the risk of terrorism, but ask yourself this: Who is the only actual terrorism expert? Who is the only one with experience of effectively stopping terrorism on U.S. soil? No one other than President Bush fits that description; everyone else is just a blow hard on that issue. If anyone, Democrat or Republican, says he can be more effective in fighting terror, ask him, “How do you improve on ‘no terrorism’? Are you going to get the terrorist to come over here and bake us yummy cakes?” We currently have a so far a flawless stratagem against terrorism, and anyone who argues to change it is arguing suicide. If a Presidential candidate says, “I will end the war and unite the public behind me,” he might as well add, “and get us all killed by terrorists.”
It’s popular to be against the President right now, but if you think the most important job of the federal government is national security (because, without that, we have nothing) then you can’t argue anything other than President Bush has been one hundred percent effective in office since 9/11. You may not like the policies or like him, but, unless an attack succeeds on our soil, you have to say that what he has done has worked despite your objections. I still don’t like President Bush, though, but I don’t think he wants me to like him… and he obviously knows what he’s doing.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Mustaches and Muttonchops: A Ranking of U.S. Presidents Based on Facial Hair” and “1000 Uses for a Dead Terrorist: A Rainy Day Fun Book”.
IMAO Condensed
Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs FAQ
Compact fluorescent light bulbs are increasing in popularity. SarahK is adamant about us not using them for medical and religious reasons, but Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit has been a big proponent of them (he keeps track of readers who have converted their lighting on his site’s sidebar). Since he’s not one to jump on the bandwagon of environmental causes, I figured there must be something else afoot if one who drinks blended puppy suddenly has an interest in light bulbs. Here’s what I found out put into an easy to read FAQ format:
COMPACT FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS FAQ
Q. Why would I want to replace my incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs?
A. A CFL uses only one-fifth to one-fourth the energy of an incandescent bulb which saves money and reduces greenhouse gas emissions. Also, CFLs last up to fifteen times as long as incandescent bulbs.
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Q. How is it that CFLs use less energy than regular incandescent light bulbs?
A. A CFL turns electricity much more efficiently into light than an incandescent bulb which wastes 90% of the electricity in consumes in the form of heat. Also, instead of drawing all its power from electricity, a CFL also draws some of its power from Satan (check the packaging of the bulb for the specific percentage).
Q. Is it true that a CFL will dim over time?
A. CFLs may dim before reaching the end of their lifespan. Also, repeated exposure to the effects of a CFL will eventually erodes one’s soul, causing everything to look dimmer despite no change in actual light output.
Q. Are there special environmental concerns in disposing of CFLs?
A. Since CFLs contain mercury, special disposal procedures should be followed. Also, if a CFL breaks, a certain amount of evil will be released into the world. Remains should not be handled until the area is cleaned by the EPA and exorsized by a priest.
Q. Is the light from a CFL the same as that of an incandescent bulb?
A. A CFL emits light on a different wavelength than an incandescent bulb. While the light is similar, some describe it as slightly “unnatural” or “evil.” All the effects of the wavelength haven’t been fully classified, and some say that if you stare directly into the bulb, you’ll get glimpses of another dimension filled with beings of unimaginable horror and that to fully realize them would cause madness. Thus, staring at a CFL is not recommended.
Q. Can the light from a CFL cause seizures?
A. There is evidence of increased seizure risk, but it should be noted that CFLs thrive on human suffering and watching you fall into a epileptic fit will increase the CFL’s efficacy.
Q. Ever since installing CFLs in my home, I’ve felt cold even though the thermostat notes no difference in temperature. Why is that?
A. Since CFLs waste less energy as heat, the area directly around a CFL may not feel as warm as you may have been acquainted to. Also, most theologians agree that God will not dwell where the light of a CFL shines. This separation from the love of the Almighty is often described as a vague feeling of “coldness.” Intense depression may follow.
Q. After using CFLs, I tend to have horrible dreams. I can’t remember what happens in them, but I wake up in a cold sweat and have an odd sense of dread for the rest of the day. I’ve begun to fear sleeping. Is this normal?
A. Yes.
Q. I think I heard voices coming from my CFL urging me to kill my family. Have I gone insane?
A. No. Sometimes demons will use a CFL as a way to open a path of communication between their dark dimension and our own. Since they prey on man when he is weak, make sure to stay away from all CFLs if you’re feeling particularly mentally vulnerable.
Q. I have this feeling that my prayers are ineffective when a CFL is shining on me. Why is that?
A. While some say its blasphemous to put a limit to God’s power, many still believe that the wavelength emitted by a CFL effectively corrupts one’s prayers and keeps God from hearing them. It is recommended you turn off all CFLs in your household before trying to communicate with a benevolent higher power. It should be noted, though, that your prayers will most likely be in vain since purchasing a CFL may be viewed as a tacit agreement with Satan.