A forward-thinking environmental group has suggested that Jews should light one less Hanukkah candle this year, so as to prevent the production of 15 grams of carbon dioxide.
While I certainly favor annoying Jews as frequently as possible by assaulting and insulting their holiday traditions, I favor even more not letting them get credit for being greener than people who celebrate Christmas. It makes us look bad. Let THAT keep up long enough, and pretty soon Muslims will want to push US into the sea.
So here are some suggestions for Christmas celebrators to help save the planet before the Jews do it for us:
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- If you see Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, or Rudolph, shoot them. Reindeer flatulence is the planet’s leading source of greenhouse gasses.
- Trees absorb carbon dioxide, but only if they’re growing. Prevent the harvesting of Christmas Trees by the judicious concealed placement of poisoned punji sticks and razor wire near Christmas tree farms.
- Tell your children they won’t be getting any presents this year. The copious flowing of their salty tears will help replenish our planet’s rapidly evaporating oceans.
- Stay indoors, lest you block precious sunlight from an evergreen tree that’s busy cleaning up your filthy, filthy carbon dioxide.
- Forego the electric lights on your tree. Decorate with the natural, environmentally-friendly bioluminescence of crushed firefly abdomens.
- Recycle creatively. That unwanted fruitcake would make a perfect spare tire for your Prius.
- Instead of hanging mistletoe, try hanging a shiny, colorful DVD of Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth”.
- Although beautiful, Pointsettia plants are deadly poison. Feed them to reindeer.
If you have any eco-embracing Christmas activities you plan to enjoy this year, feel free to share them with your fellow lovers of our beautiful planet in the comments.
Don’t use a living tree; use dead limbs, one for each of the innocent, pure animals you’ve killed by selfishly using your lights at night and wasting energy.
Be sure to leave out rat’s milk for Santa instead of cow milk. Cows are the leading cause of global warming.
Substitute tofu for Santa’s cookies. Santa is too fat and we all know fat people have more flatulance, which is the leading cause of global warming.
Use one square of wrapping paper, and reuse it to wrap each gift as it’s given. Production of wrapping paper is the leading cause of global warming.
Place razorwire all along your rooftop to send the message to Santa that’s he’s not welcome anymore. After all, Christmas joy is the leading cause of global warming.
Weren’t you supposed to have been beheaded by now?
Anyways, it’s as simple as no one buying anything. Avoid purchasing presents, decorations, food, etc. Capitalism is a leading cause of Global Warming.
Instead of serving your guests eggnog with bourbon, serve them rat’s milk, skip the bourbon, as the production of bourbon is the leading causes of global warming and CO2 emissions.
Question: How will I survive the in-laws if i can’t get lit on eggnog?
Don’t drive to church on Christmas day, because Christianity is the leading cause of global warming.
Harvey still lives because beheadings are not environmentally friendly, and are, in fact, the leading cause of global warming.
You can’t have to much fire, therefore I’m against lighting one less Hanukkah candle..
Don’t watch any holiday movies (notice, I didn’t say the C-Word-Holiday) since Television is a capitalist plot. Plus, I hate the Island of Misfit Toys and would gladly drop napalm on the place.
We also should replace all C-Word-Holiday Carols with Koombaya.
Finally, we really should run grandma over with the reindeer – she doesn’t recycle.
Clean up after a Ron Paul rally. Recycle the leftover discarded tin foil by shaping it into various ornaments, tinsel, etc.
When caroling, perform all the songs in sign language instead of singing them to minimize the amount of CO2 exhaled.
Give your friends and family environmentally friendly gifts this year. They’ll hate you so much that they’ll never give you gifts, travel to your place, or even send a card for many holidays to come.
Instead of leaving one candle un-lit, just light two candles half way.
As a tribute to all of our Jewish friends around the world, I plan to make 50 gallons of eggnog, – from hummingbird eggs.
shalom.
They’re worried about the CO2 emissions from candles?
Hell I heat my house every year with a wood stove, that must really piss them off.
I prefer bringing “missile TOW” to liberal gatherings since hot air from liberals is the leading cause of global warming.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TOW_missile
And don’t make “fruit cake” and try to pawn if off on your family, relatives and friends. They’ll just $hitcan it anyway. It’s OK to donate fruit cake to Al Gore, however, since he’s it’s namesake.
Funny, Harvey.
It doesn’t matter what we do since it’s all Bushitleriburton’s fault anyway…
(funny funny responses y’all)
Personally, I don’t think many Christians drive Priuses (or whatever the plural is).
LOL. Have fun, guys.
The Insomniac plans to celebrate Christmas thusly: (1) extra trips to church in my car, (2) hooking up some festive incandescent lights (the big kind, not the namby-pamby LED ‘energy saving’ ones that will knock about $0.73 off of your electric bill), (3) firing up the hot water heater by washing dishes after dinner at said church, (4) driving across the country to see the Insomniac parents and pick up the Insomniac kids from their mum for the week, (5) deep-frying a turkey in a propane-powered fryer, (6) driving out again to spend New Years with the future Mrs. Insomniac, whereupon she and I will (7) have a pleasant barbecue dinner and then curl up at the fireside.
And I’m getting the Insomniac daughter a car for Christmas – with a V-8 engine, no less.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Suck my socks, hippies!
Don’t buy anything made of wood, metal, paper, or plastic. These are all natural resources that were stolen from the earth by the greed of man and you’re enabling the theives, you capitalist pig!
Actually, pine trees convert very little CO2 to oxygen compared to broad-leaf deciduous trees. Actually, all those pine needles create ammonia and methane when they decompose. So, cutting down Christams tree actually HELP stop global warming. So put up two or three, one for each room.
Also, you can drive by houses of liberals with X-mas lights up, honk your horn, and scream, “WASTER!”
Way to go Mad Insomniac!
[“They’re worried about the CO2 emissions from candles?
Hell I heat my house every year with a wood stove, that must really piss them off.”
#12 – Posted by: Gunny on December 6, 2007 04:57 PM]
You can try coal instead. It’s more efficient, per volume. And it’s stinky, like hippies, so they can’t fault you for it.
Also, you can get more efficiency out of your car by removing your PCV valve and other emissions controls required by the Evil Administration (or, as they say, “The Man”). Crankcase ventilation is the brainchild of the Zionists and is the co-leading cause of global warming, along with abstinence.
All women ages 18-25 should go candelabra-less.
#7 — We also should replace all C-Word-Holiday Carols with Koombaya.
#7 — sorry to rain on your parade, but that’s an African-American spiritual “come by here” [Lord Jesus] so you’ve really not taken the Jesus out of “the holidays” [Saturnalia perhaps] by that nice little move.
Keeping Jesus involved is a good idea though. You should get to know Jesus, He’s a nice guy.
Instead of burning candles for Hanukkah, burn trees. Or hippies.
-remember to put bear traps on your door steps during the evenings; thats when the carolers come around, sending tons of co2 into the atmosphere with their annoying “holiday” songs. Everyone knows carolers are the leading cause of global warming.
-Instead of a yuletide logs, start a yuletide compost pile. Always make this is done indoors, since compost produces methane which we all know is the leading cause of global warming.
– Do not- I repeat- DO NOT string popcorn around your christmas tree. Stringing popcorn wastes valueable corn which could have been used in ethenol-powered vehicles. Instead try stringing flax seed, it will give the kids days of fun.
ps. the ron paul on was hilarious
The only way to effectively combat holiday global warming is to strike at the source: that fat, sweatshop-running, animal-fur-wearing, chimney-perpetuating jackass Santa Claus!
Shut down his elven sweatshop that’s enslaving the noble elven race and probably responsible for ALL of the polar ice caps melting! He built his factory right on top of one, the bastard!
Force him to wear nature-friendly clothing made from biodegradable napkins, and give his warm, plush coat back to whatever polar bear he took it from! The spirit of Nanuk must be avenged!
Force him to shorten his smug, merry laugh to simply “Ho,” resulting in a 66% reduction in his carbon emissions!
Release his mighty and noble reindeer into the wild, then capture the secrets of his flying sleigh to fuel hybrid technology!
Punch Mrs. Claus in the nose, forcing her to cease her polluting ways of baking delicious yet animal-based cookies, some of which are even brown and shaped like people! RACIST B*TCH!
Cut Rudolph’s glowing, probably carbon-emitting nose off with a saber saw! It’s for the good of his own environment!
And commend Santa on his habit of not shaving, which undoubtedly saves lots of energy that would otherwise be used on electric razors.
“Instead of hanging mistletoe, try hanging a shiny, colorful Al Gore”.
Fixed.
Force him to shorten his smug, merry laugh to simply “Ho,” resulting in a 66% reduction in his carbon emissions!
…But make sure he doesn’t talk to any black women.
Make sure to get the firefly abdomens before Fox cancels them all.
~still bitter, can you tell~
Wow, Just friggin’ nuts you are.
Instead of burning candles for Hanukkah, burn trees. Or hippies.
LOL #24…eight, right?