It’s pretty universally well known that the Republicans are in huge trouble as they’ve lost a number of special elections that I don’t know much about but all the smart people say are very important. At least I know I don’t care much more Republicans anymore; they lately just seem like a less mincing version of the Democrats. Frankly, things are so bad that for Republicans that if the Democrats don’t get the White House and huge gains in the House and Senate, they should really all jump off a bridge for sucking that much.
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So the Republicans obviously need a new strategy if they want to regain power, and talking about how bad the other side is just ain’t it. Everyone knows the Democrats suck, but do they know if the Republicans don’t suck? I sure don’t. Republicans really need to be for something. For instance, they can’t just hope to win saying how bad liberals are; they need to be for something such as for punching liberals since they’re so bad. Now, I’m no Karl Rove — I don’t even like the taste of souls — but here are my ideas for a stronger, reinvigorated Republican Party.
FRANK IDEAS FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY TO REINVIGORATE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
* Cut Pork: Republicans have gotten bad with spending, so it will take a lot of work to get credibility on that issue. They can’t only oppose future pork; they should take it a step further and oppose pork already passed. That means getting some C4 and totally blowing up useless projects built with pork. Think of how dynamic it would be for a Republican to walk into some building holding a bomb and saying, “Justify this places existence or I will destroy it!” That’s free media attention right there.
* Punch the Hippies: I know. You’re saying, “There goes Frank being a mean Republican again.” But if you check the Hippie care handbook (last updated in the seventies), hippies need to be punched on a regular basis or they get shrill to the point of being a extreme public nuisance. Now, others may argue that punching hippies just because they’re idiots is a freedom of speech issue, but freedom of speech was only really intended for people with coherent things to say. You cannot make a rational argument that the Founding Fathers would have put up with hippies. You may say they wouldn’t punch them, but that’s just because they’d shoot them with musket or run them through with a cutlass — or am I getting the Founding Fathers confused with pirates? Anyway, the point is that hippie punching is necessary public service that would be cheered on by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Blackbeard. Next time hippies have a whiny protest near someplace with Republicans, all the Republicans should charge them screaming, “Rarr! Hippies!” That should just be as natural as breathing. The American public wants a party they know won’t put up with stupid, smelly hippies and the Republicans are the only ones who can step up and be that party.
* Pile of Justice: What do we do with all the terrorists we kill? I doubt anything too useful; my guess is they’re just lying around somewhere. But lying around in the Middle East doesn’t help us any; we need them here. Think of it: A big pile of dead terrorists on the National Mall in D.C. with a sign in front of it saying, “Brought to you by the Republican Party.” Now people can see exactly what Republican Party policies have accomplished. And what can the Democrats do in rebuttal? Put next to it their big pile of whining about healthcare and crap? I know I’ve said this idea before, but it’s worth repeating: A big pile of dead terrorists equals election victory.
* Exploit Democrat Sissiness: A big advantage the Republicans have over Democrats are that Democrats are bunch of sissies scared of their own shadows. This advantage is of no use if Republicans don’t exploit it, though. Next time some Democrat is on the House floor saying something stupid, a Republican needs to go up and knock him down without saying a word. What is the Democrat going to do about? Nothing; that’s what. Need to block a bill in the Senate but don’t have enough people for a filibuster? Grab the bill from the Democrat and play keep away with it. Accomplishes that exact same thing. If Republicans do things right, they can be the minority party, get everything they want, and make the Democrats do all the work. That’s smart politicking right there.
* Robot Suits: What if we could nominate Iron Man as our presidential candidate? He couldn’t be attacked on his personal life because people wouldn’t know who he is. What they would know about him is that he can blow up tanks. And if you have Iron Man in a debate with a Democrat, who are people going to vote for: the guy in the cool robot suit with rocket boots or the whiny Democrat? That’s why we need to develop cool robot suits (the technical terms for suits that make you look like a robot) and instead of deploying them militarily use them in a political setting. You don’t have to worry about Democrats doing the same thing because robot suits have weapons on them and Democrats are scared of those.
* Remind People that Being a Republican Is Fun: Everybody loves that game Grand Theft Auto IV, so about a new game called Grand Old Party. It will be the same in that you run around the city doing whatever you want, but in this game you get away with everything because you’re rich and a Republican with a gun — sort of a Republican simulator. In real life, we keep hearing how rich Republican are, so why don’t we see that more? They should be driving around in fast cars with hot women, and they shouldn’t even campaign because they should be like too cool to care what people think about them. Then everyone will want to be a Republican… but we won’t let them. It’s exclusive. We’ll constantly reject people telling them, “Sorry. You can’t be a Republican; you’re too lame. You’ll have to vote for a Democrat.” And then even more people will want to be Republicans because they can’t be!
* Remind People America Is Great: America is the most awesome country out there. Think of some other country. Well, America is at least ten time more awesome than that country (probably closer to a million times). What’s with all the worrying about what other countries think about America? We didn’t use to care about that. Not only should Republicans keep reminding people how great America is (which is closely related to the Republican Party and thus why Democrats don’t like flag pins), but they should also produce a documentary showing how horrible it is to be a foreigner with their lack of freedoms, stupid attitudes, and funny hats. Then people will remember how awful and stupid foreigners are and not care what they think once again, just like God intended for America.
* Ride a Stampede of Elephants into Town: This one is so obvious I don’t know why we haven’t seen it yet. The Republican symbol is the elephant, so why don’t Republicans ride into a town on a stampede of elephants destroying everything in its path? That would awesome, and eventually people would fear Republicans like they did the Huns.
So, those are my ideas for the Republican Party. They may seem elaborate, but they all come down to having a clear vision of what you stand for, standing strongly for those principles, and acting like you’re a god among men. It’s the strategy that worked for the Republicans in the eighties.
I humbly present this post as proof that Frank’s new job will not affect his humor.
I recommend the elephant herd go thru a Blue town-maybe in Massachusetts…
Push to have the elephant declared an endangered species. Then each time the DNC/MSM/KOS criticizes the GOP invoke the Endangered Species Act and fine the bejeebers out of them. Eventually they’ll stop or go broke.
What if we could nominate Iron Man as our presidential candidate?
You had me right up until there.
I haven’t seen the movie but I keep seeing the same scene where Tony Stark says, “They say the best weapon is one you don’t shoot. I respectfully disagree.”
First off, the best weapon changes according to the job but let’s just say there’s a “best weapon” out there and it’s not a phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. You know my best weapon? The one I’m shooting at that time. Second best is the one I’m going to shoot next. As a matter of fact, I would say the worst weapon is one you don’t shoot.
If I’m not shooting a gun, my best weapon is my semi-auto Thompson M-1. Cuz it’s American and it’s .45 ACP, that most American and manly of cartridges.
Second, but more importantly, who is this “They”? Obviously lefties. I mean, could you imagine someone not terrified of weapons saying that? So in other words, his friends are lefties. Just like a certain congressman from AZ I know.
And third, he disagrees “respectfully” with obvious hippies? Frankj, are you going back on your “I want my presidential candidate to punch hippies” stance? After all, disagreeing “respectfully” is about one step away from “agreeing”. Just look at John McCain for a perfect example of that.
So in other words, you just want to nominate John McCain in a shiny, metal suit.
Great, we’ll have a president who, instead of a McCainian sticking his finger in my eye, will quote Bender and tell me to kiss his shiny metal butt.
Sometimes I make myself laugh.
I like the “Pile of Justice”, but you know how lefties love to murder babies. They’d just go to their buddies at Planned Parenthood, throw a few babies on the pile, and say “See, the Rethuglicans are proud of murdering babies for oil!”
I like the idea of “sorry you can’t be a Republican, you’re too lame.” I think we start by telling that one to John McCain!
I have a suggestion. It’s way out there I know but after all we’re in such dire straights now, anything might help.
What say we insist that members of the Republican Party actually support the ideals that the MAJORITY of the party faithful endorse. You know like:
Pro life
Anti-Gay Marriage
Anti-Illegal immigration
Anti- Gun Control
Pro-Drilling for oil
Anti-Terrorist
Anti- Tax and Spend
Pro-education (without bias)
Pro-Family
There’s more but these are the highlights. Maybe if someone wants to run from the Republican party they ought to be held accountable for what the say and do.
And for pity sake, STOP VOTING THESE MORONS INTO OFFICE. We get the leadership we deserve,it is said. So what does it say for the citizenship of the US to have Larry Momar and Curley as our choices.
I’m John McCain and I served in Vietnam before I was captured and held prisoner. I have issued numerous orders from my campaign for this blog to cease and desist but obviously you aren’t listening to me! That’s ok! You pricks just wait until I’m POTUS, The Big Guy, Generalissimo Suppreemo! President of the Universe to you homos and loser dillweeds! I will hunt each of you down using my brand new shiny IRS and bring you to justice you Evil Doers!
#9 – Hey usjimmycarter! It’s nice to see you still have energy to post. I am so depressed with having no horse in this race, I can hardly make myself to even type “imao.us” in my browser, so I do it very rarely.
Frank, obviously you provided the landscape allowing me to add my own color to your thoughts:
* Cut Pork: Instead of just pork, I propose putting the entire national budget up to a vote, with the only exceptions being the Dept of Defense, Military and Other Categories of National Defense.
People would vote electronically using a Secure System I have invented, and will reveal if you put my butt in the White House.(But that’s another matter) I also have a Clean and Safe Power Supply that virtually eliminates the need for ME oil, but na na na naaa naaaaaaaaaa unless you stick my cracker ass in the WH.
Anyway, Only those items getting more than 30% “Yes” votes from the national population would survive the budget. Like, paying 8 billion a year for cops to sit on freeways passing out seat belt and speeding tickets would no longer be funded. Let’s bring survival of the fittest back into the human equation. I’m sure everyone has their pet projects to kill. Mine would actually be to stop paying single women to sit around like slugs popping babies out like pieces of toast in order to get their government check amounts upped. Paying for Child Abuse. Perfect Liberal Idea there. We’d actually stop paying pedophiles to take in foster kids too.
Any excess from the current 3 trillion budget – like probably 1 trillion – would be returned to Taxpayers and the economic problems would be solved at the same time. People could actually afford to buy gas for example.
* Punch the Hippies: I say stick flowers in their gaping mouths. Promise them that America will destroy each and every last Nuklar weapon in its possession, or better yet, give it to the Palestinians, and then after you get elected, laugh at them and tell them how they’ve been fooled again for about the 47th time.
* Remind People America Is Great: Send everyone who thinks America is not a good country or is perhaps a Mean Country to a real outhouse country like India. Michelle Obama is first on the list. Call it a field trip that somehow got missed during her Princeton days.
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160 million. That’s half the population of the USA. Wonder if Michelle might think that’s being mean. From page 2 for example…”Untouchables perform jobs that are traditionally considered “unclean” or exceedingly menial, and for very little pay. One million Dalits work as manual scavengers, cleaning latrines and sewers by hand and clearing away dead animals.”
Frank, I obviously agree with you on the other categories… Let’s bring some Reality to the masses of fantasy addicted peaceniks who actually act more like Fascists (when they are massed in a group anyways)
Not Cincinnati_Bob. Vote for me! I’m younger than John McCain. Unlike John McCain, I’ve never been divorced (largely because, unlike John McCain, I’ve never been married, but that just makes it even less likely that I’ll ever be divorced). I’ve never helped bail out a corrupt savings and loan. I’ll nominate judges at all levels who make Scalia and Thomas look as liberal as Ginsburg and Souter.
Most important, because I live within fifty miles of both Berkeley and San Francisco, I have more experience punching hippies than any other candidate.
Decree the lottery to beat all lotteries. Every dollar in taxes you pay buys you another chance to win. One drawing every year on April 15th. Grand prize $1,000,000,000.00 tax free. (1/3rd of 1% of the Federal Budget, who’d miss it?) Sensible people will pay their taxes as they do now, but the silly people will send every dime they can scrape out of the cushions of their sofas to buy just one more chance to win. Revenue to the government will double at least, and each year a new billionare will be created to spend madly, live riotously and provide entertainment for the masses and full employment for the poperazzi, leaving mere millionare celebrities to fade as yesterdays news. Ma and Pa Kettle join the country club. Earnest P. Warrell moves in next door to Bill Gates. Clem Kadiddlehopper trades in his single-wide trailer for a corporate jet but forgets to hire a pilot.
mykidsmommy, I know how you feel! I’m hoping Obama wins so that we can run his ass out of town after 4 years and elect a conservative in his place. McCain is a disaster. Republican “leadership” must all be replaced first! Hang in there! I currently don’t even have a party as a conservative!
I know Iron Man, and he’s a good guy. He would TOTALLY be an awesome POTUS. That whole thing about disagreeing “respectfully” or whatever was just sarcasm. By “respectfully” he actually meant, “with fully-charged repulsor beams.”
I still say we should just scrap the Republican party as is (no one on either side likes it anyway) and start our own Conservative Party.
With some massive adverts online and Fox News, we could landslide running on the principles of the Silent Majority.
Who should Iron Man’s running mate be? Samus Aran? Tekkaman Blade?