So the new White House Press Secretary has been announced, and we here at IMAO wish him luck. It won’t be an easy job. For instance, people are going to ask why when the country is out of money does Obama keep proposing more spending as a solution. There are three reasonable answers to that I can think of:
1. Obama doesn’t really care about jobs or the economy.
2. Obama is an idiot who doesn’t understand how the economy works.
3. Obama is secretly a Muslim terrorist who is trying to destroy the country from the inside.
Now, as White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney can’t use any of those answers. Instead he has to babble on about jobs “saved or created” even though there are only about seven people left in the country who doesn’t find that phrase laughable.
Here’s my idea, though: An M84 stun grenade. You may know it as a “flashbang” from Call of Duty and other video games. It makes a loud bang while issuing a blinding flash, causing both temporary blindness and deafness in people nearby. If Carney gets a real tough question about Obama’s stupidity that he can’t think of any response, just throw one into the press room. When people’s sight and hearing come back, maybe they’ll have forgotten what the question was in the first place. Thought I guess this has the potential of making things even more awkward.
Why don’t they just hire a clown? Given Obama’s luck, however, the clown would likely be from Illinois and named “Pogo”.
Interesting that you would mention this since the term “flash-bang” originated from within the Clinton White house.
See, now he actually will throw the stun grenade and will be able to say he was fueled by right-wing rhetoric.
Too bad they didn’t think of this while Helen Thomas was there. The flash bang would go off, there’d be a short period of silence, and then we’d hear her screech…”Those d*mn Joos!”
Hilarity would ensue.
I would not want to be around when Helen Thomas pooped her pants! Pewwwwwwwwey! Carney is too big a wuss for Flash Bang anything! I’ll bet he’s never even chambered a round of anything into anything! He looks like he has “dainty hands”…
Why not save time and simply hire David Copperfield (CR Charles Dickens) as the press secretary? Poof! I have magically made you believe the deficit is no longer there! Poof! One million illusory jobs created or saved! Poof! Green energy is cost efficient and reliable! Poof! Global warming (anthropogenic climate change) is a terrifying monster that only unilateral economic suicide by the US can kill! Poof! Hippies don’t smell! (Reporters from Fox News and Human Events rush the podium and tear him limb from limb. Some illusions just can’t be sustained.)
Sasquatch is going to chew this weenie a new one, everytime the teleprompter makes her hand puppet go “let me clear”.
Does jay carney speak with that same commie accent the vest uff dem do?
Maybe the new press guy can explain why thee Mighty and Magnificent Obama Lama keeps using COMMUNIST phraseology (like required sacrifice struggle demands new age) in his speeches.
And if thee Obama speeches are really specially coded subliminal messages I think that a Surgeon Generals Warning should be broadcast prior to the speech. WARNING: Listening to this speech can cause you to become a Communist
That should be the first issue thrown at the new press guy
Seeing as how both wishes and luck are preposterous, make believe things; I wish him luck too.
He’s doesn’t believe it’s hard to get a job, he just got one as press secretary.
I started to think that this wouldn’t help the “New Civility,” but then I thought, with this compliant press, the headlines wouldn’t read “New Press Secretary Lobs Grenades at Reporters,” but rather “Now Press Secretary Playfully Lobs Stun-Kittens at Reporters.”
Because what’s more adorably stunning (or is that stunningly adorable) that a Flash-Bang Stun-Kitten?
So O-bah-muhh hired a Carney. “Step right up folks! The House of Smoke and Mirrors is right this way! Pay the Man and Win the Future!
#2 is the only option that’s even slightly plausible. I can’t believe none of the twelve posters above me pointed this out.
Obama chose someone who looks good next to him. Two youngish, attractive, articulate men about town. Elections aren’t about who’s best for the job, it’s about who looks better in the sound bite. This guy will have the news babes legs tingling just like Obama did. Another pretty boy, empty suit to parrot the party line.