Predicting One Hundred Years in the Future

Here’s a prediction of what 2011 will be like made by Thomas Edison in 1911. Apparently, it was an all metal future to him. Your chairs will be made of metal. Your house will be made of metal. Your books will be made of metal. Sandwiches, children, lawn — all metal. Also, he thought we’d be transmuting gold fairly regularly, but our alchemy skill have been kinda disappointing in the past century.

Anyway, it’s easy to make fun, but I guess I should try this out. Here are my predictions for 2111:

* All phones will be so small and so light that they’ll actually be lighter than air and float way, meaning phone calls will rarely be answered.

* Selecting people for anything — be it political office, jury duty, job in the mail room — will be done via reality TV shows.

* Saying anything over 140 characters in length will have you imprisoned by our robot overlords.

* Zombies will evolve into extremely fast moving creatures and zombie races will replace dog races.

* Movies will consist of so much CGI action happening at once that they’ll be completely incomprehensible to the human mind. And be in 3D.*

* College will be so expensive and so useless that half the world’s GDP will go towards paying student loans and people will need at least a masters to work at Arby’s.

* Everyone will have with them little computers which will hold every book, song, TV show, and movie ever made, though 99% of the time they’ll be used to play Angry Birds.

* Girls will go crazy for singing stars like Justin Bieber with more and more hair on their head until the most popular tweener idol is Cousin It.

* Government will grow so large and be so expansive that we only get one dollar each to spend and the rest of our money will go towards unneeded bridges named after Senators

* Blankets will evolve to not only have sleeves, but eventually pants legs and pockets and buttons and zippers. By 2111, “blanket” will be just another word for “clothes”.

* TV news will consist entirely of just putting up a picture of whoever the hated conservative of the day is accompanied by incoherent screeching.

* The country will be run by a clean, articulate self-reading teleprompter.

What do you think 2111 will be like?

* This may have already happened. I tend to avoid movie theaters these days.

Kucinich and the Olive Pit

Dennis Kucinich is suing the operators of the congressional cafeteria for a $150,000 dollars. Why? Because he bit into an olive pit. How does one do $150,000 in damage in one bite? Well, you’ve never see Kucinich eat; that guy chomps crazy! I mean full force into every bite; it scares people. That’s why he always sits alone in the cafeteria.

Kucinich’s titled his own website, “America’s most courageous congressman”, and certainly no other congressman is courageous enough to take on the cafeteria staff out of fear of getting their food spit in. But they already spit in Kucinich’s food; the man has nothing to lose. No one goes from garden gnome to congressman just to be felled by an olive pit. Everyone in his way: Watch out!

New Ways Homeland Security Will Alert Us

The Homeland Security color-coded alert levels are going away. I thought it was well-established what those meant, but I guess we only really ever used the yellow and orange levels so it was kind of pointless.

So how will Homeland Security alert us to imminent terror attacks now? Here are some of their ideas:

NEW WAYS HOMELAND SECURITY WILL ALERT US

* Alert levels, instead of being coded by color, will be coded by smell.

* Robots will warn us of when a terror attack is about to happen by failing their arms wildly and shouting, “Danger, America! Danger!”

* The music playing will tell us the terror alert levels. If it’s smooth jazz, things are okay. If it’s Black-eyed Peas, we’re all about to die… or at least we’ll want to.

* We’ll be alerted by dogs barking. If lots of dogs are barking, something’s probably up.

* We’ll get text messages. “ohnoes!! terr!”

* Alerts of terror attacks will be done by lanterns in a steeple. One if by bomb, two if by anthrax.

* Every day (except Sundays and soon Saturdays) the postman will drop in your mailbox a pamphlet on just how scared to be.

* If an attack is happening, Homeland Security people will run house to house pounding on doors yelling, “Terror! Terror!”

* Terror alerts will be coded into newspaper ads and articles. To find them, just tape a bunch of newspapers to your walls and circle everything that looks like a pattern.

* We’ll find out about terror through the news and stuff.

Random Thoughts

Obama’s policies will make the future a Kobayashi Maru – completely unwinnable!

When you win the future, don’t go spending it all in one epoch.

Go, Dog! Go! was my favorite book as a little kid. Just got it delivered from Amazon and read it to Buttercup. You know how you remember some things fondly but they’re a disappointed when you see them again as an adult? Not the case with Go, Dog! Go!

What’s the chance in Fringe that one day Walter will have a delusion of giant floating text telling him where he is?