Now, due to quantum physics, particles can teleport… THROUGH TIME!

Quantum physicists come out with weird new claims all the time, but people don’t seem to give it much scrutiny. I guess because it’s not like global warming where they’re trying to pass laws or like evolution where there is religious controversy, no one really cares even though it’s the most illogical science of all. Quantum physicists will be like, “We found out that quantum particles are actually tiny magic gorillas that can travel through time and space.” And everyone will be like, “Neat!”

I guess it’s up to me to call scientists on this. Hey, quantum physicists, I know you’re just making this all up. You say have all this neat stuff like teleportation, but there’s always some loophole that makes sure we can never pass information faster than the speed of light. It’s like that guy from the movie Mystery Men who could only turn invisible when people weren’t looking. And that’s because you’re making it up. So get me one of this magic quantum computers you say you’re working and use it to break public key encryption, or just shut up and admit you’re frauds.

That’s how you handle Science!, people.

So Herman Cain has announced a presidential exploratory committee, but I don’t really know anything about him and it’s been a long time since I last ate at Godfather’s Pizza. Still, here’s him arguing health care with Bill Clinton back in 1994 and he seems pretty smart. Plus, with the economy most likely to be the big focus still in 2012, a candidate who really knows business would be a plus.

But a president named Herman? Come on. We got to get him a cooler name like Axel, Rock, or Jerry. Or we could just call him Cain which is both cool and a little evil sounding (good for a Republican).

And then there is the issue that he has a mustache. When was the last time we had a president with facial hair? Taft?

Still, the usual names being floated so far for 2012 have been a little lackluster (“Everybody loves Huckabee!”), so I guess he’s worth paying attention to. As with all expectations about political candidates, though, prepare to be disappointed.

Dick Armey and Matt Kibbe have written an oped in the WSJ listing $3 trillion in cuts from the federal government. That’s a good start, but it does seem like it would be political suicide because you’d be taking away so many people’s shares of other people’s money. I have a solution: Don’t give those people a vote on it.

I know that’s undemocratic, but I don’t know where we got this idea that we can be democratic with other people’s money. The people who own the money should just be able to say, “I’ve decided to keep that money and spend it myself.” And then the entitlement would go away because there is no money for it. I know it was just one of Harry Reid’s brain delusions when he called taxation voluntary, but wouldn’t that be nice if it were true. Then the government would come to us and say, “We’d like money for poor people.” And I’d say, “No, you’re horribly inefficient with money. I’m giving to other charities.” And then they’d come back and say, “We’d like to build giant robots to crush terrorists.” And I’d say, “Let me find my check book.”

Think of that. Taxpayers would be someone the government would have to argue with individually to get our money instead of being piñatas they just keep whacking. But then, you might say, the government would have so little money it could hardly do anything. To which I’d say, “Yeah.”