So an escaped monkey was caught in Japan — after it bit one hundred and twenty people. Just try and imagine that — one hundred and twenty people it just walked up and bit. This is a monkey that must have spent all its days and nights hunting down people to bite them. It was just absolutely in love with the thought of biting people.

This is something we luckily don’t have to deal with in the U.S. For one, we don’t have any native monkeys to North America because the Founding Fathers wisely shot them all. Secondly, we have guns. Some countries think all the guns we have in America makes us uncivilized, but tell me what sounds more civilized: Carrying a gun or getting constantly bit by monkeys? Why do you think we invented guns? IT WAS SO MONKEYS WOULD STOP BITING US!

And doesn’t this undermine your whole perception of Japan? Usually people think of Japan as almost this advanced race with technology and gadgets far beyond what we have. And they get bit by monkeys. Maybe you guys need to work less on computers and robots and more on getting monkeys to stop biting you.

Tonight Obama is going to be on TV talking; it must be a Tuesday!

Actually, tonight is the State of the Union address which is supposed to be special or something but can we really pretend Obama talking is going to be of any actual interest. I’m certainly not going to watch it; I mean no one pays me to do this so I don’t see the point. Also, they’re doing this weird thing where the Republicans and Democrats are all sitting together and are getting gay married afterwards or something.

And is Obama going to actually say anything interesting? What the country needs is trillions in cuts — including to entitlements — but is the guy who’s spent trillions and enacted giant new government programs going to talk about that? No instead, he’ll be like, “Everything is great! And soon we’ll finally be able to get you all those unicorns I promised!” But truth is, we can’t even afford donkey-corns right now — a much cheaper horned animal made by splicing the DNA of donkeys and rhinoceroses.

So that means it’s going to be up to the Republican response by Paul Ryan to provide any substance. I recommend he start by saying, “Look at the person to your left and the person to your right. DEAD! Now look at all your possessions. GONE! This is what Dumbo with his fancy pants and his $80 tie won’t tell you, but we’re doomed, people! I want you to take a look at our debt.” Then Paul Ryan will hold up an graph of the debt and shout, “LOOK AT IT!”

And everyone will be like, “No! Please don’t make us look at it!”

And Paul Ryan will be like, “No! Look at it and despair!”

And then everyone will be crying, “Please save us from it! Please!”

And Paul Ryan will say, “Okay. But only one thing can save us… GIANT ROBOTS!” Then Paul Ryan will hold up a diagram of the robots and they will be awesome looking. “Giant robots will solve all our problems. For one, they’ll cancel out all our debt because we’ll be able to go to China and say, ‘How about in payment for our debt, we agree not to ROCKET PUNCH YOU!'”

And everyone will be cheering, “GIANT ROBOTS! GIANT ROBOTS!” And Obama will run and hide leaving the Republicans in charge.

I keep telling everybody that giant robots are the solution to everything. You just need to bring me on as a consultant; I have lots of drawings of what they will look like.

Everyone is worried about rhetoric these days, so in my wrote my new Pajamas Media column in a way to make sure no one could interpret any of it as a call for violence. Please enjoy non-violently.