Ignorance Is Yummy

So one of the most devastating pieces of information that has come out of Wikileaks is what Taco Bell “seasoned beef” really is. It’s only 35% beef and the rest is stuff like water, isolated oat product, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agent, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch, and sodium phosphate. Now, you’re probably saying it’s good they put an anti-dusting agent in it because you wouldn’t want it collecting dust when they leave it out on counter for days, but the rest of the stuff is a little disturbing. And that’s why people are suing Taco Bell to change the name of their seasoned beef to something more accurate like “meat-flavored oatmeal”.

Just like with national security secrets, I come down firmly saying these are things the public just doesn’t need to know. We understand something is off with fast food — no one has ever cooked a burger in their homes that even slightly resembled a McDonald’s hamburger — but it’s tasty and it’s cheap and that’s all we really need to know. Will knowing what a chicken nugget is actually composed of make us safer? No, it will only make us more afraid. As long as the FDA ensures these things won’t kill me too quickly, all we really need to know about what we shove down our pie hole is that it is salty and tasty. And if it eventually mutates us over time into vampires, we kinda figured we were going there one way or another anyway.

Obama Going After Guns?

We thought we smacked Obama on the nose enough that even though he obviously wants to take all our guns he won’t even dare mention gun control, but indications are that he’s soon going to try to use Tucson to pass some law. It will probably blow up in his face as do most of his proposals, but why can’t we get ahead of this? The gun control people don’t know much about guns, so maybe we should try to plant the seed of an idea of what laws to pass.

“You know what we could ban that criminals love but a common citizen would never need: High-capacity barrels – gun barrels that hold ten or more bullets at once.”

The important thing is that most of us 2nd Amendment supporters will have to act like it’s an outrage, yelling stuff like, “No! That’s destroying our freedom! Founding Fathers mad!”

And then when Obama passes it, he’ll rub his hands together greedily and say, “Ha! Now I takes your nasty freedoms! Hee hee hee!”

But we’ll secretly be laughing at him — as we usually are when we aren’t laughing openly.

Win the Future!

Obama says we must win the future. This is obvious. We should not be future losers. But the way Obama says we should win the future is to build high-speed rails, make cleaner energy, and make selling salmon less complicated. Needless to say, the future Obama is proposing we win is a BORING STUPID FUTURE! I propose we win a much better future. Here is how:

HOW TO WIN THE FUTURE

* Make jet packs cheap and available (or, alternatively, rocket boots).

* Hit the giant enemy crab in its weak points for massive damage.

* Nuke the moon.

* Build giant robots.

* Make sure the next generation’s kung fu is strong.

* Capture the golden snitch.

* Attach frickin’ lasers beams to the head of the salmon.

* Get a point multiplier for double the future points.

* Build a high-speed rail gun.

Random Thoughts

For all this talk about the SOTU, what’s the chance of anything useful coming out of it?

Obama’s SOTU speech was nothing but hidden messages urging violence.

I enjoy NBC’s three hours of comedy Thursday with its two non-contiguous hours of laughs.

I hope to one day win an Oscar for best unsupportive actor.

I’m still confused; what is Obama saying is the Sputnik here? Like, is an actual Sputnik thing going to spur us to innovate, or is this more of an imaginary Sputnik? Or is the Sputnik inside all of us? Or was Bruce Willis Sputnik all along?

Has there always been that big “No Biting!” sign on the wall in the House chamber, or is that a new addition?

Why is Biden choking on his sock? How did that even get in his mouth?

Are high speed rails rails we fire at high speeds into our enemies?

I think the effectiveness of the speech will be based on how closely he stuck to empty platitudes.

You have ten more minutes to comment on the State of the Union speech, and then, as usual, we’ll never mention it again.

Maybe it’s just been on too many seasons, but the philosophical discussion each patient spurs in House are seeming more and more artificial.

Thought Obama’s speech was empty, Ryan’s was pretty good and short, and Bachman’s was distracting. Didn’t watch any of them. The Veronica Mars episode my wife had on was so-so, though.

Thanks to CW quickly congealing on Twitter, maybe I can avoid ever directly listening to a politician ever again.