New Ways Homeland Security Will Alert Us

The Homeland Security color-coded alert levels are going away. I thought it was well-established what those meant, but I guess we only really ever used the yellow and orange levels so it was kind of pointless.

So how will Homeland Security alert us to imminent terror attacks now? Here are some of their ideas:

NEW WAYS HOMELAND SECURITY WILL ALERT US

* Alert levels, instead of being coded by color, will be coded by smell.

* Robots will warn us of when a terror attack is about to happen by failing their arms wildly and shouting, “Danger, America! Danger!”

* The music playing will tell us the terror alert levels. If it’s smooth jazz, things are okay. If it’s Black-eyed Peas, we’re all about to die… or at least we’ll want to.

* We’ll be alerted by dogs barking. If lots of dogs are barking, something’s probably up.

* We’ll get text messages. “ohnoes!! terr!”

* Alerts of terror attacks will be done by lanterns in a steeple. One if by bomb, two if by anthrax.

* Every day (except Sundays and soon Saturdays) the postman will drop in your mailbox a pamphlet on just how scared to be.

* If an attack is happening, Homeland Security people will run house to house pounding on doors yelling, “Terror! Terror!”

* Terror alerts will be coded into newspaper ads and articles. To find them, just tape a bunch of newspapers to your walls and circle everything that looks like a pattern.

* We’ll find out about terror through the news and stuff.

27 Comments

  1. Groundhogs have worked pretty well for seasons…. lets put opossums in charge of terror threat alerts.

    If they see a burka and play dead then we all hide under our desks. If we don’t have any self defense weapons then we will toss bacon bits. If no terror alert then we split the bacon bits with the oppossums. win win

  2. “very special episodes” of sitcoms
    messages at bottom of pop or beer cans
    gas prices will instantly double.
    post it notes on everyone’s doors
    flyers under windshield wipers

    What? These ideas are actually faster and cheaper then all federal government programs for emergencies. Note city and state

  3. I think they already have a system in place. The news folks alert everyone as soon as a terrorist incident happens or is attempted. See, theres your terror alert. They dont know whats happening prior to it happening so how would they know when to change or update a pre-alert system.

  4. Oh, damn. I’ve got coffee spots on my monitor again.

    Other WAYS HOMELAND SECURITY WILL ALERT US:

    * Like LBJ, Janet Napolitano will sit on the crapper for hours at a time, unable to defecate.
    * Barack Obama will be on vacation – in the sky.
    * Birds will suddenly fall out of the sky. And frogs.
    * It will rain cats and dogs, living together.
    * The sun will have a massive, brown and yellow coronal mass ejection and it will rain brown and yellow goo.

  5. Can I please not be bothered? I mean, I don’t plan to do much in case of heightened threat assessments, and hearing from Napolitano just annoys me. Let’s just make a blanket warning, “Muslim terrorists are out to get us. Watch out.”

    Time was, when a DEFCON meant something. Not any more.

  6. All terror threats should be reported by Sarah Palin. This way, all conservatives will take shelter, while hateful, liberal morons run into the streets to yell about how it’s all just a Republican political stunt, only to be blown to bits by their Muslim heroes. Win, win.

  7. We don’t need a nation wide terror alert system. If something is happening clear across the country, what do I care?

    If something happens right where I am, then I’ll immediately know about it. One minute I’ll be standing in Khol’s trying to choose between boxers and briefs, the next I’ll be standing in front of Saint Peter.

    I’ll say something like, “I guess the was a terror attack.”

    And he’ll come back with, “You betcha!”

    Then I’ll ask, “So, where is the guy who did it?”

    And he’ll deadpan, “Basement.”

  8. Terror alerts will be coded into newspaper ads and articles. To find them, just tape a bunch of newspapers to your walls and circle everything that looks like a pattern.

    Hey, if it works for making economic policy, why not for homeland security?

  9. Silly Frank, there wont’ be any more terror attacks. The Obama administration has “talked ” to all of our enemies, apologized for our existence and is destroying everything that makes us better, more productive and more advanced than our detractors.

    We don’t need to be attacked, we’re being destroyed from within.

  10. * Alerts of terror attacks will be done by lanterns in a steeple. One if by bomb, two if by anthrax.

    That was the one that caused my coffee attack. But, forgive the expansion of your theme, Frank:

    Three if by chemical
    Four if by dirty nuke
    Five if by clean nuke
    Six if by Sharia law
    Seven if by municipal bankruptcies
    Eight if by state bankruptcies
    Nine if by national bankruptcy

    Why am I already seeing nine lanterns a’flickering in the distance?? Maybe it’s some kind of “WTF” signal Obama was talking about in his SOTU speech… except his definition of WTF must be wrong.

  11. A national edict shall come forth from on high (The White House) that we are to now bow to anyone who looks like they might be up to no good. This will cause good cheer and will stop the evil-doers from executing their plans!

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