Archive of entries posted on March 2012

Nuke the News: The Straw Men of Years Past

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In my new column for PJ Media, I explain how Obama is helping us get a stronger economy.

People think that when the economy is suffering, you need to be nice to it and help it. Maybe hug it when it cries. Obama knows you have to resist that urge. When the economy comes to him broken and bloody, pleading for help, he says to it, “You think things are bad now?” Then he puts his foot on the economy’s throat and says, “Now let’s see you survive this!” And then he laughs at it maniacally to make it mad so it will fight back.

* Obama compared the GOP to the people who told Columbus the earth is flat. I.e., he’s now comparing the GOP to made up straw men of a different era. Actually, the people who told Columbus not to go were saying Columbus did his calculations wrong and the world was wider than he thought so there was no way he’d be able to sail to India. So the people against Columbus were the ones correctly questioning his math… which is a good analogy for the GOP versus Obama. But if Obama ignores the GOP, I doubt he’s going to do anything as good as accidentally discover a new continent. We might discover new numbers when our debt keeps increasing, though.

* Young Americans care less about the environment now. I guess after decades of saying the world is going to end in ten years, people eventually stop listening. It’s like those preachers who keep predicting the Apocalypse and then keep revising it. I mean, this environmental doomsday stuff was scary when I was a kid, but we’re all kind of wise to it by now.

Yay next generation! Now pull your pants up.

* It’s the Paul Ryan campaign video!

Well, I guess a preview for his budget plan. Man, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone like him in the presidential race we could actually get excited about. Then again, getting excited about politicians is just the path the heartbreak. Maybe it’s better to have someone like Romney who we’re extremely suspicious of from the beginning.

* Crowder has a new video! Well, a preview of his video coming out Monday about mixed martial arts and New York:

* And, because it’s Friday, here’s every face punch in Roadhouse.

Now there’s a movie that should get a new modern remake. With even more punching!

Random Thoughts

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Obama’s favorite subject is science, but he’s not very good at history or math. Or science.

If your wife catches you with the Playboy with the Meghan McCain interview, don’t claim you were reading it for the articles.

I’m so glad my wife is a stay at home mom since that means she’ll be able to sign for my iPad delivery today.

So you could sell one share of Apple stock to buy a 32GB iPad.

We’re going to have problems with gas prices when our single largest supplier of oil is a country that hates and wants to destroy the us: Canada.

If you haven’t read The Hunger Games, you’d think a book about competitive Hungry Hungry Hippos wouldn’t be compelling, but it’s quite good.

Link of the Day

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Armageddon It: A Nuke Really Could Save the World from an Asteroid

According to their fancy-schmancy computer model, a 1-megaton nuke could reduce a 1,650-foot long asteroid to tiny, burn-uppable rubble. And yes, they’ve got the animated simulation video to prove it.

Just to make sure, though, it’s probably best to test the theory on other menacing chunks of space-rock before we go putting all our eggs in one basket with this plan.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Veterans Demand Removal of Constitution Altered With Obama’s Image

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WASHINGTON (AP) – A group of angry veterans descended on the National Archives to protest the display of the Constitution, after it had been modified by the White House to depict an image of President Obama superimposed upon the words of the founding document.

“L’État, c’est moi!”

The leader of the veterans, Don Van Beck, had a copy of a law saying that such “defacement” of the Constitution was illegal, and called the alteration a “disgrace.”

DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz, however, enthusiastically praised the recent refashioning, saying it reflected “the realities of a new way of thinking in our country.”

“The Constitution is a living document. Let’s just say we gave the old gal a facelift,” said Schultz.

“Also,” she added, “anyone who opposes it is racist.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney explained the reasoning behind the transformation, saying “the President’s vision has always been to make America a better place, and his many accomplishments in office have unquestionably done so. To celebrate the changes he’s made to the country, we’re changing the symbols of the country, as well.”

The “New Face of America” program was rolled out in Florida earlier this week by putting President Obama’s face on the American flag. Following the Constitution’s makeover, officials plan to impose the Commander-in-Chief’s inspiring visage on the Statue of Liberty, all denominations of US coins & currency, and all four heads of Mount Rushmore.

“The plan is to eventually put his face everywhere,” said Carney. “Check your history books. Transformational leaders the world over did it all the time. Every American should have the opportunity every day to gaze adoringly at Obama’s benevolent countenance and know who has been responsible for what’s happened in this country.”

Nuke the News: Meh

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* Having another one of those days I just can’t think of anything worth blogging about. The primary is still pointlessly going on. Obama is still not very good at being president. I need something new to happen as I’m getting bored with politics. Maybe like a fist fight in the Capitol or something. That would be nice if all this partisan conflict ended up in a full out fight. You’d have some Democrat pull out a switchblade and scream, “You want to cut government? I’ll cut you!” And then a Tea Party member would hit him in the face with the butt of a replica musket. Politics just needs more action like that.

* In other news, Europe is dying. A big part of that is demographics; they’re just not producing enough young people to sustain their countries. I’m starting to think that while contraception may have been great for women’s lib, it’s been horrible for society at large. There was the subsequent skyrocketing of out of wedlock births — probably from changing attitudes on sex — and now there’s all these countries with below replacement rate birth rates. Too many old people, not enough young people, and the countries are shriveling up. Maybe some of this is because we tend to look at babies as inconvenient now instead of… well… the whole point of society. Maybe we shouldn’t have so much choice about when to have babies, because we’re kind of stupid about it.

* So a Democrat Party office in Florida has an American flag where the stars are replaced by the face of Obama. So instead of the usual “Yay America!” feeling you get when seeing the flag, you get this feeling its judging you as a bitter clinger. Still, it’s a nice compromise from Democrats; something about the American flag has always bugged them, and they’re just trying to make it so they can enjoy it like we do.

* Wisdom of the Day from Kara:

If liberals want to destroy The Rush Limbaugh Show, they should lobby for Dems to subsidize it.

* And that’s all I got today. I’ve been blogging for nearly a decade now; one of these day I’ll get good at it.

Random Thoughts

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We could end a lot of the mean rhetoric in politics if we brought back duels.

Totally forgot the paper I write for was founded by someone killed in a duel. But Alexander Hamilton shouldn’t have called Aaron Burr a slut.

I know all the digits of pi in the base pi numbering system. It’s 10.

When you want a mathematician to shut up, you yell, “Shut your pi hole!”

Actually, punching them is more effective, but there’s nothing particularly clever about it.

Link of the Day

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[High Praise! to Jimmy]

With Putin now elected President, the Russians are stepping up their oppression…

… their oppression of THE DEVIL!

The God Squad – Russia’s Parachuting Priests

More interesting than the parachuting priests themselves, are the mini hi-tech churches they are to carry with them. The self-assembled Russian orthodox churches will come with crucifixes, replica icons, bells and chalices. In short, everything that’s needed for the rituals performed as a part of their religion. An air conditioning unit, generator, refrigerator and mini-theatre will also accompany the priests. The chapel will be placed on the ground using an airborne platform, generally meant for carrying heavy military equipment. Once on the ground, the priests would get to work in assembling the entire church unit, before holding a service.

The source of the story is a Russian web page. Here’s the Google-translate English version.

Looks legit. If it’s a parody, it’s not well-marked.

Biden Says GOP Can’t Relate to Average Folks at Posh Fundraising Dinner

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WASHINGTON (AP) – Vice President Joe Biden addressed 87 wealthy Democrats last night attending a fundraiser at the home of Sen. John Kerry in Georgetown. As they dined on grass-fed New York strip steaks and white truffle mashed potatos underneath a outdoor tent, Biden criticized Republicans for being out of touch.

“These guys don’t have a sense of the average folks out there,” Biden said according to the pool report, “They don’t know what it means to be middle class.”

‘I’m only doing this because I know it’s so hard being middle class.’

Guests paid a minimum of $10,000-per-couple to attend the dinner.

“It’s a shame that Republicans don’t understand the plight of the downtrodden,” Sen. John Kerry, the evening’s host, told a reporter as he pulled the antique silver spoon out of his mouth to dip it into a bowl of Pâté de Foie Gras prepared by his personal chef. “People are suffering all over America. Good people. People who, like me, served in Vietnam. Make sure you quote that last part.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi was similarly appalled at the tragically-disconnected GOP.

“You can’t just keep flaunting your wealth in these troubled times. And they wonder why 99% of Americans – the salt-of-the-earth, common, everyday middle class like us – are unemployed, flat-broke, and Occupying Wall Street, God bless them,” the Congresswoman said sadly, pausing to take a dainty helping of imported Russian beluga caviar with her emerald-encrusted, 24-karat solid-gold spoon, hand-crafted in the 7th century by Arabian child-slaves.

“Those insensitive monsters on the other side of aisle just don’t get it,” Pelosi continued. “They want to be elected, but when you serve in a position of trust like that, you have to do it for the sake of others – those in deepest, direst need – not yourself,” said the former Speaker whose personal net worth skyrocketed 62% last year, to a jaw-dropping $35.2 million.

First Lady Michelle Obama, unable to attend the dinner personally, sent a video to express her support for the attendees’ compassion for the plight of the less-well-off.

“We are in a battle. A battle to help those who are hurting,” said Mrs. Obama, resplendent in a Katie’s Lotus cuff priced at $15,000 with 2.9 carats of diamonds, a Gothic cuff at $15,350 with 2.17 carats in diamonds and a Quatrefoil bracelet at $11,800 with 1.73 carats in diamonds.

“Republicans simply have no heart. At some point you simply have to get right in their faces and ask them straight out: what about the children? What are you going to do for the children?” she said, wiping tears from eyes which were still partially snow-blinded from a recent weekend trip with her own children to a ski resort in Vail.

Nuke the News: The Primary Goes On and On

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* Well, no Newt comeback. Also, not a great night for Romney… or anyone hoping this primary will be over soon. Mathematically, it’s still hard to see how anyone other than Romney wins this (though he came in third in Alabama and Mississippi, it was a close third and he actually won the night in delegates when you add in Hawaii and American Samoa), but I guess we’ll continue on until the convention. Grah!

Come on! I just want to focus on how much I don’t like Obama! Why can’t we end this? Why?!

* The CBO has upped the estimate for the cost of Obamacare to $1.76 trillion over ten years. So not only did we get this health care plan forced on us that no one wants, but it’s twice as expensive as previously estimated. I swear I could completely ruin health care for like an eighth of that cost, a lot of it through cheap sabotage. But the Obama philosophy is if you’re going to do something wrong, it should at least cost a trillion dollars to do it.

Don’t worry, though; he’ll fix everything with another super expensive “stimulus” none of us want.

* Oh no, now Science! has turned on liberals. A scientific (Science!) study says that liberals are much less tolerant of opposing viewpoints. That’s pretty obvious to anyone who has met a liberal, but now Science! says its true which means it can’t be disputed. So what will liberals do now that Science! is their enemy? Will they turn against it? You don’t want to make Science! mad; it can fight back with lasers and meteors and dinosaurs and other Science! things.

* After 244 years, Encyclopedia Britannica is going to stop putting out a print edition of its Encyclopedia. Apparently people aren’t willing anymore to spend thousands of dollars on a giant print edition when they can get more up to date information for free online. Also, Wikipedia has way more information than Britannica could ever fit in it’s print edition; I don’t remember Encyclopedia Britannica having a separate, extensive article for each episode of Firefly. Also, clicking on a link is much easier than having to keep searching between a couple dozen different books. Also, again, free versus super expensive.

Anyway, end of an era, but that’s progress. So now Britannica will focus on… selling pencils maybe? Who knows; the encyclopedia was sort of their whole reason for existence. Maybe they should try cooking a really good cheeseburger; Five Guys has done great for itself.

* Wisdom of the Day from Ken Jennings:

Antarctica was awesome, btw. So weird that a century ago nobody had even been to the South Pole and now there are like 100 Starbucks there.

* Here’s Sunny on Critical Race Theory. Vroom vroom! (or are we talking a different kind of race?)

Random Thoughts

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Any day now, Obama is going to be attacked by a rabbit.

Maybe trampling over religious liberty because a Georgetown student is too cheap to buy her own contraception isn’t a great idea.

Was a politically connected woman from an elite law school really the best needy case they could come up with?

This whole contraception fiasco has cost the GOP about 5 or 6 votes.

According to Critical Race Theory, a dog would beat a cheetah in a long distance race.

One of the most controversial issues in Critical Race Theory is a running match between the Flash and Superman.

One of the most covered topics in Critical Race Theory is Sonic the Hedgehog.

How did I eat food before I knew about putting Sriracha on everything?

I can’t even think of anything that doesn’t sound better with Sriracha on it.

Well this primary thing ain’t ending anytime soon, is it?

Link of the Day

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[High Praise! to Ed the Pastor]

Inbred Cat:

is now the star of his very own 4-panel comic at SooperMexican.

Ed only sent me a link to one of the comics, but the effect is better if you read all three.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

lolterizt! Part 153

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NOTE: Just want to thank those who include reference links with their submissions. As full of trivia as my brain is, I don’t always get all of them, plus it saves me a lot of time poking around Google & YouTube.

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link (probably don’t need the link, but I don’t want you thinking he meant the Blondie song]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[Not sure which way he was going with this, but both kinda work: ref 1,ref 2]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Charon:

[reference link]

From CrustyB:

[reference link]

From James:

From Les:

[reference link]

From Les:

From Mxymaster:

[reference link]

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Charon for finding the one internet meme I missed.

Honorable mention to CrustyB for the movie that I assume that only he and I saw.

Wish I had a “best use of fonts” award for Les’s Mahmud Tahir Mahir

What say you?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Biggest Surprises in the Obama Harvard Video

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No surprise, the mainstream media is studiously avoiding substantive discussion of Obama’s buddy-buddiness with radical racist and apocalyptically horrid science fiction author Derrick Bell.

But, like all of you, I watched the video of Obama & Bell at the Harvard protest in 1991.

And, like you, I was really shocked by some of the footage. Here’s what surprised me most:

______________

* Kanye West interrupting Obama’s introduction of Bell.

* Obama’s courageous recovery after his teleprompter lost power.

* Opening act: the Amazing Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Fish!

* The whole “2 men enter, 1 man leaves” thing.

* When Barack completely spaced on the third federal government agency he’d eliminate as President.

* The cat juggling. I mean, was that REALLY necessary?

* Obama droning on and on about how contraceptives are too expensive.

* Bell’s comments about the size of Michelle’s ass. SOOOOOO racist!

* Driving up in an electric car was an interesting touch.

* I simply couldn’t believe Obama was wearing a “Nuke the Moon” T-shirt. I can only assume Frank’s been lying about his age this whole time.

* By the way, has anyone ever seen Frank J. & Barack together in the same room?

* At the end, it’s revealed that Bell is just a figment of Barack’s imagination, and it was really Obama who set up the Harvard campus Fight Club.

* Oh… spoiler alert on that last one.
______________

What surprised YOU the most about it?

Nuke the News: War on Useless Presidents

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* Alabama and Mississippi vote today, and this could possibly mean yet another Gingrich surge if he sweeps them both. Will this primary ever end? Maybe we are heading to a brokered convention scenario, but I’m just not super hopeful the people making the decision there won’t just choose some super RINO who otherwise would have been unelectable in a Republican primary.

I really hate Republicans. It’s just a much smaller, less visceral hate than that of Democrats.

* Obama’s whole “There’s a war on women and I’m going to save you from having to go to Walgreens and buy contraception yourself” strategy doesn’t seem to be helping him as he’s hitting new lows in the polls. Probably because of things people actually care about like gas prices. Obama desperately wants a lot of distractions to help his chances of reelection, but I’m not sure that any amount of smoke and mirrors can cover how much he sucks at being the president.

Maybe he should learn to juggle. Anytime people point out how bad the economy and deficit are, he can just start juggling. And if people still question him, he can switch to juggling knives. Ooh! Knives! He could hurt himself. This is exciting!

* Actually, I do have one bit of praise for Obama. Despite all the recent horrible setbacks in Afghanistan, Obama has assured everyone that there will be no “rush for the exits” which seems like the right thing to say. The only times Obama seems presidential is in occasional dealings with the military — probably because he deviates the least from his predecessor in his strategies there. It’s not that he’s done anything particularly good — it’s just the one area where Obama had preformed above my really low expectations.

* Have you noticed how about 95% of modern feminism is about contraception and abortion? I.e., most of feminism is about being able to have consequence free sex — so it’s feminism as designed by horny teenage boys.

Also, have you noticed how most of the women shrieking about how the Republicans want to control their bodies are people who no one wants to touch their bodies with ten foot polls?

Just observations.

* Eric Holder is opposing the Texas voter ID law because he says it’s harmful to Hispanics. Being a racist, you may think minorities are like anyone else and that getting a photo id would be an extremely simple thing for them as it is for everyone, but progressives want you to know that minorities find things that are simple to white people to be extremely confusing and complicated. An Hispanic getting a photo ID? That’s like teaching a dog to walk on its hind legs, apparently.

Photo IDs are used for tons of things in every day life; instead of these voting laws, shouldn’t we be focused on helping the people who somehow have trouble getting a photo ID get one?

* Also, have you noticed how Democrats try to claim Republicans are the stupid ones, yet the Democrats’ reelection strategies all seem to be about getting as many uninformed people to the polls as possible?

* Wisdom of the Day from La Shawn Barber:

Next time pharmacy person at CVS asks to see my photo ID when I buy pseudoephedrine, I’m gonna shout, “Jim Crow has returned!”

Random Thoughts

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ALERT: As part of the GOP war on women, they’ve started booby trapping tampon dispensers.

ALERT: As part of the GOP war on women, they’ve hidden nagging-triggered bombs around the city.

With the GOP war on women, it’s just too bad Ted Kennedy isn’t around to drive women to safety.

My iPad smart cover arrived in the mail! The iPad arrives Friday, but now I have the cover to play with until then.