Archive of entries posted on 7th January 2013

Wisdom of the Day: Sing Cattle Change Shark Dead Binder Correlation

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The One-Star Amazon Reviewer

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So I finally got a bad review to my new book, though it looks like he didn’t actually read it. In fact, looking at his other reviews, this guy seems to do nothing but go around and give one star reviews to conservative books. It’s kinda sad; I want to give him a hug. He is just one of many sad creatures on the internet, though. What did people like him do before the internet? Write on bathroom stalls?

Anyway, if you haven’t yet, please give How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome an Amazon review (I assume you’ve bought it; it would be silly not to).

BTW, I like how Amazon notes the most popular highlights. That’s nice feedback for an author.

Let’s Make Signing This Letter the New American Citizenship Test

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Sign it? Hell, I’d swear it under oath (except the 8 years in the Marines part, since I was 6 years Navy):

From Free Republic:
_______________

The following letter, written by U.S. Marine Joshua Boston and headlined “No ma’am.,” was posted in the CNN iReport on Dec. 27:

Senator Dianne Feinstein,

I will not register my weapons should this bill be passed, as I do not believe it is the government’s right to know what I own. Nor do I think it prudent to tell you what I own so that it may be taken from me by a group of people who enjoy armed protection yet decry me having the same a crime. You ma’am have overstepped a line that is not your domain. I am a Marine Corps Veteran of 8 years, and I will not have some woman who proclaims the evil of an inanimate object, yet carries one, tell me I may not have one.

I am not your subject. I am the man who keeps you free. I am not your servant. I am the person whom you serve. I am not your peasant. I am the flesh and blood of America.

I am the man who fought for my country. I am the man who learned. I am an American. You will not tell me that I must register my semi-automatic AR-15 because of the actions of some evil man.

I will not be disarmed to suit the fear that has been established by the media and your misinformation campaign against the American public.

We, the people, deserve better than you.

Respectfully Submitted,
Joshua Boston
Cpl, United States Marine Corps
2004-2012

Awful First Draft Dialogue

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On Friday, there was a hashtag game on Twitter for #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue. I decided to participate, and now I will subject you to what I came up with:

“You can’t be told what the Matrix is; that’s the first rule of Matrix Club.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Blood and brains everywhere. I don’t like to talk about it.”

“That not a knife… No wait! It is a knife! Run!”

“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”

“No. I am your father… or possibly Lando. Still waiting on the DNA test.”

“You can’t handle the truth so you’ll have to sign a waiver first as I don’t want to get sued!”

“Game over, man! Insert another coin to continue! I hope you recently saved!”

“Restart from last checkpoint, man!”

“So what do you need? Besides a miracle?”
“Gun control. Lots of common sense gun control.”

“Oh, the Statue of Liberty. I guess this is earth. I was wondering why everyone was speaking English.”

“ME WANT SEE MONEY!!!”

“The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans or a pile of pizzas or a stack of bagels… Sorry, I skipped lunch.”

“No, it wasn’t the airplanes that killed the beast. It was the Jews! Just read my newsletter.”

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Not cool, man.”

“Bond. James Bond. But everyone calls me ‘Fuzzy.'”

“I know what you’re thinking: Did I fire all 6 bullets or only 5? To tell you truth, I’m really drunk right now.”

10 Other Wacky Scheme Obama Can Use to Handle Debt

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There’s been a lot of talk about Obama going around the debt ceiling by printing a trillion dollar coin as apparently the president has the authority to make coins. I can just imagine them then giving that coin to Biden for safekeeping leading to the most hilarious episode yet of the Obama administration.

Anyway, I think this trillion dollar coin is a great idea as the Obama administration really needs more wacky schemes. I mean, the government has always had wacky scheme in the past — like Social Security — and maybe it’s a time to once against embrace that tradition. So here’s a few other ideas for the Obama adminstration to try out as long as they’re up for it:

OTHER WACKY SCHEMES FOR HANDLING DEBT

* Obama and Michelle go around the world visiting all the world’s nations — though their visits will just be a big distraction as Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi do daring capers to rob the gold vault of each country.

* Obama will challenge all other countries to a race around the world. If he loses, the debt is doubled, but if he wins, all debt is forgiven!

* Fundraiser to help ensure Sandra Fluke doesn’t accidentally reproduce. Extra funds raised beyond the ten bucks for birth control pills can go to paying down debt.

* Pretend Canada invaded us and surrender to them. Now that we’re part of Canada, American debt no longer applies.

* Burn down California for the insurance money.

* Pretend America died and thus can’t be expected to pay its debt anymore. Have entire population done up in zombie makeup if any country comes here to check on that story.

* All states secede except for Rhode Island. So now Rhode Island is the one that has all the debt. Sorry, dude.

* When questioned about the deficit, just point to the record-breaking number of women in the Senate and say, “We had them do the budget math — and you know women and math.”

* New job for President and all of Congress: Sit in dunking booth all the day at $20 a ball. Should raise trillions.

* Surrender in the war on terror to the terrorists. Ha, suckers, now you have the 16 trillion in debt!

Random Thought: Missing Paycheck Money and Expensive Coins

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If they make a trillion dollar coin and give it to Biden for safe-keeping that’s a great setup for a hilarious episode of the Obama presidency.

Biden’s plan: Make trillion dollar coin. Throw in wishing well and wish for balanced budget.

So what if my taxes go up 2%; I’ll possibly get a very small amount of money a long time in the future for that.

Good News: Taxes are only going on up on the rich.
More Good News: You’re rich!

I’m going to put “meet Allahpundit in person” on my bucket list. That means I’ll be immortal until I meet him.

#WhyIsMyPaycheckLessThisWeek Because the possibility of Sandra Fluke accidentally reproducing was too great a threat.

An advantage of Alan Grayson being in Congress is he’ll be constantly under armed surveillance.

You know this trillion dollar coin idea is just going to end with with Biden getting it stuck in a vending machine.

I completely didn’t realize I stole the trillion dollar vending machine idea from the Simpsons – where I assume the Obama administration also got the coin idea.

The trillion dollar coin sounds like a good idea. On an unrelated note: Who wants to join me in planning an elaborate heist?

This whole “drive cycle” thing I have to do to pass an emissions test has to be one of the most annoying things ever devised.

How to do a proper drive cycle seems an almost mythical thing; no consensus on the internet on how to do it.

I was laughing at the Obama supporters disappointed their paychecks were smaller and then I got my paycheck 🙁