Wanna Bet Apple Gets a Government Grant to Help It Do This?

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #282,598)

Obama should fund this as a green energy project because it’ll keep people from wasting gas as they drive around lost for hours.

This Is Why Obama Keeps Pushing for Infrastructure Spending

[High Praise! to Laughing Conservative]

You’ve Just Got to Nip This Sort of Thing in the Bud

In Maryland, two 6-year-old boys were suspended while playing cops and robbers during recess and using their fingers to make imaginary guns.

Why? Were they using imaginary high-capacity magazines?

You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The TSA is doing away with naked body scanners. They’ll be replaced by…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Why Are All These Liberals So Depressed?

[High Praise! to Irritable Pundit]

Link of the Day: The COMPLETE Answer to “Why Would You Need More Than Seven Rounds in a Magazine?”

[High Praise! to Sondrakistan]

Size Matters

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Wisdom of the Day: Bucket Toaster Schumer Republican Armstrong Band

President Obama: Party Animal

Responding to criticism that he’s not very sociable, President Obama said “I like a good party.”

So do I. That’s why I’m not a Democrat.

A Job Bit Obama as a Child

Do you know it’s been over a year since Obama’s jobs council has had a meeting? Because, you know, Obama’s just cares so much about unemployment.

Now that it’s Obama’s 2nd term, I really think he’s just done with the jobs issue. I mean, he’d try to pass some useless jobs bill every so often during his first term, but he never seemed that interested in unemployment — especially not compared to big progressive ideas like taking over health care. So why doesn’t Obama care about lack of jobs? I have theory. I’m guessing that once when he was young, he had a job — an actual job where one is expected to do actual useful things that contribute to the economy and your performance can be objectively measured. And of course, he hated this more than anything and forever after has wanted to destroy all jobs so he could never again be threatened with the possibility of getting one.

It’s just a theory, but it does fit all the available data.

Time to Go After Assault Stickers

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

Disclaimer: IMAO does not condone either vandalism or unconstitutional gun laws.

UPDATE: Sadly, it’s Photoshopped. Here’s the source pic.

Dammit…

Frank J. 2016: Let’s Bring Back Starving to Death

We need to really start thinking how we’re going to fix everything after Obama, so I once again am reminding you that I will be Constitutionally eligible to be president in 2016 (I will not release my birth certificate to prove this, though, as I don’t want it to be public knowledge that I was born in the People’s Republic of California).

So how am I going to turn things around? Here’s how: I’m not going to help you. It’s not the government’s job and certainly not mine as president. So I want to return to the idea that this is a free country — and part of liberty is that you are responsible for yourself. And to help with that, I want to bring back starving to death.

It’s hard to starve to death in this country. No matter how lazy you are, we will keep giving you food. No more. There will now finally be a cutoff. At some point if you continue to be lazy and a failure, we will no longer feed you. We will instead just watch you starve.

This is the only way to help a lot of people in this country: By not helping them. Starvation and its avoidance are great motivators to get people working and innovating, but we have removed starvation from much of America. If people think they can continue to subsist with no effort, then they will continue to give no effort. But I am going to insist on a least a little effort, or you die.

So next time people come for foodstamps, I will give the more compassionate thing: Nothing. Why? Because I believe in you. You’ll find a way not to starve. And if you don’t, as a representative of the federal government, I don’t care.

Frank J. 2016: Bringing back a government that doesn’t care.

Straight Line of the Day: Why Didn’t You Make It To Obama’s Inauguration?

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Why didn’t you make it to Obama’s inauguration?

Finally: The 2nd Term

Oh man, am I glad Obama’s 2nd inauguration is over. That period between the election and the start of the 2nd term was the absolute worst. I was like, “Oh, this is so awful… and we haven’t even started the 2nd term! We’re not even half way through this yet!” But now the inauguration is over with and we’re on the countdown to the end of this. I mean, our government has a lot of problems, and hopefully we’ll be able to get them in (now a little under) four years.

You notice, though, how this reelection victory hasn’t made the left any happier? Like I saw a bunch still taking shots at Romney during inauguration. That makes sense, because what was Obama’s reelection about? It was about: Romney is bad. He had no positive message for this country as we already experienced four years of Obama and knew not to expect anything useful out of him, so it was all fear-mongering — and no one is even sure exactly what they were fearing Romney was going to do. Be really really rich?

But expect the left to get in even a worse mood in Obama’s 2nd term. I mean, they acted happy for Obama’s reelection, but deep in their hearts they know Obama is a useless failure and they’re looking forward to four years of reality mocking all their ideals while they have to prop up their inane twit Obama and act like he’s doing great. I almost pity them. Hopefully they’ll get smart enough to turn on Obama soon, or they’re going to get very depressed and insane. And Obamacare won’t help them there; there aren’t drugs powerful enough to make Obama look competent.

Random Thoughts: Murderers, Inauguration, and Dumbo

I’m against violent murder. That’s why I’m prepared to shoot murderers if I encounter one.

We’re supposed to be prepared to shoot tyrants. If you’re not prepared to shoot tyrants, you’re a bad American.

I mean, if you are going to fire people because of Obamacare costs, should be the people who wanted Obamacare. That’s the fairest choice.

Wasn’t violence highest back in the 70s right after 1968 gun control was passed and the most violent video game was Pong?

The people behind Journal News’s gun map are scumbag sociopaths who should be treated no better than you would pedophiles.

I think the main cause of sexism is that men and women are different.

Thought that blew my mind: Since it’s below freezing in the garage, the refrigerator out there is actually keeping the food warm.

Instead of explaining why we need AR-15s, let’s just recognize this is America where we don’t need to answer stupid questions from the government.

In Thomas & Friends, the engine drivers seem to be mindless drones who every so often do the engine’s bidding and it’s very disturbing.

So what are these guns pointed at people ads Time Warner is blocking? Does Geico have an ad series I don’t know about?

Folding a shirt is physically impossible.

Novel manuscript is officially done. Well, I still have to add like page numbers to it or something. And then hopefully I can get in front of a publisher. Because I’m an important writer.

If you’re worked on MLK Day, you’re a racist.

What idiot approved us spending any money on Obama’s 2nd inauguration?

I like the idea that everyone should be free to make decisions about their own lives, but that’s constantly getting in the way of free stuff.

People always have grand ideas with government, and the main opposition to that will always be liberty.

The thing about government power is that it’s not created in a vacuum; it only gains power when it takes from others.

The bigger your government, the less free you are. There’s no way around that.

We have a lot of serious problems in government in this country. Perhaps we’ll get to them in four years.

It cost $6 trillion to get us back to 7.8% unemployment over the past four years. How much will it cost to do that feat again?

Biden doesn’t drink? Well, there goes the easiest explanation…

Maybe he snorts coke then.

Buttercup really likes Dumbo, so I looked it up and the part with the crows isn’t necessarily racist.

It’s only 64 minutes… and that’s with the “Pink Elephants on Parade” padding.

I hope Obama fulfills his campaign promise of Romney is a very bad person don’t vote for him.

The chicken makhani at Madhuban in Boise is like if “Obama forced to sit silently while lectured by business owners” was a flavor.

Not your every day, ordinary stripper fight

Two strippers in Juneau, Wisconsin got into a fight over a dollar.

Now, I know times are tough, but two strippers fighting over a dollar? It happens. I suppose.

What’s unusual about this…. Notice that so far, we’re talking about two strippers fighting over a dollar, and I’m saying this isn’t the unusual part. I’m not an expert on stripper fights, but I suspect that two strippers fighting over a dollar is kinda rare in and of itself. No, there’s more. One of the strippers is pregnant.

Now, I have no idea how pregnant the stripper is, but apparently there’s a market for pregnant strippers.

Of course, it is under Obama’s watch — into its fifth year, now — that the economy got so bad that strippers, including one with child, are fighting over a dollar. So, if you’re into that kinda thing, this is how the economy is getting better. For a dollar, some guy got to watch two strippers (one pregnant) tear each other’s hair out.

Forward!