“Uhhh, I dunno…maybe we can sweat our way out of this?” – my central nervous system responding to any situation

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) January 28, 2013

We’ll see the Osama death photo before we see the Obama skeet photo.

— Knifework (@knifework) January 28, 2013

Dear Hollywood: I’m not interested in the “origin story.” Thank you.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) January 28, 2013

I’d support amnesty for illegal aliens if every citizen got to commit a crime and then got a mulligan. Deal?

— DrewM (@DrewMTips) January 28, 2013

Political scientists will struggle to explain GOP that votes to up Latino share of electorate while doing nothing else to win their votes.

— Ross Douthat (@DouthatNYT) January 28, 2013

Check this one out: 1

— Anti Joke Book™ (@AntiJokeBook) January 28, 2013

[High Praise! to The Gormogons]

Women don’t “need” to vote, do they? After all, the country functioned just fine without women voting for well over 100 years. America had freed its slaves and restored peace in Europe. And after women got the franchise in 1920? Global carnage ensued: World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Iraq II, Afghanistan, Mali, etc. Frankly, the country needs to be free from the scourge of women’s suffrage.

“Iranian space monkey launch unconfirmed.”

I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!

What do we mean we don’t know if the Iranians have launched a monkey into space? First Hillary Clinton is a useless lump on Benghazi, and now her State Department can’t even determine whether the Iranians are filling our orbit with monkeys or not? Fire her now and get someone competent there who can tell us whether we have to worry about Iranian space monkeys dropping out of the sky and attacking us.

And what kind of locks are on the International Space Station? Are they secure enough to keep out Iranian space monkeys? Who is on this? If need be, hire me and I’ll take care of this. First step, I’m nuking the moon. In case there are Iranian space monkeys there.

Do you know there is a Librarian of Congress? And apparently she can pass laws! So if you’re in Congress and the librarian says, “Shh!” you better listen because she can have you executed.

So what law did the librarian somehow make? You can’t unlock your phone. Really? It says, “Slide to unlock” on the front of each one. Sounds like entrapment to me.

Barack Obama goes shooting all the time… so says Barack Obama. You probably never suspected that considering we’ve never seen a picture of Obama with a gun, he has an obvious disdain for anyone who owns guns, and he’s kid of — what’s the political way of saying this? — effete. But no, he’s basically Rambo. Every other day he’s jumping through the air firing a Beretta in each hand.

And I love this statement from Obama about guns:

“And I have a profound respect for the traditions of hunting that trace back in this country for generations.”

When someone is talking about their respect for guns and mentions hunting and nothing else, I take that to mean they have absolutely no respect for guns. Do they think the reason we’re so mad about gun laws is we just all love hunting so darn much? Does he think the reason for the 2nd Amendment is there is because the Founding Fathers were all like, “Hunting sure is nifty! Let’s put it in the Constitution!” Obama is a useless twerp, and he doesn’t stand up for our rights. And what other point is there to the president than that?

In more gun news, Media Mutters violated gun laws in giving staffers illegal guns to use in defense. Are there any anti-gun people who aren’t hypocrites? Everyone understands how useful gun is in defending oneself, but the anti-gun people just prefer everyone other than them be disarmed. Because they think little of the individual, and that’s why people like them should have no influence or power. It’s not guns they fear, it’s you.