Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
… legally changing your name to a URL.
… gluing your wrists to your keyboard and mouse.
… unwillingness to date anyone who isn’t Bluetooth-compatible.
… referring to conversations as “through-put”, vocal volume as “bandwidth,” and sex as “networking.”
“What is this?” “A book.” “Really? Howzit work?”
… I’ll come up with a straight line after I finish checking my email, Facebook, Twitter, and about 23 apps on my iPhone that have notifications.
… your first thought when hearing “cookies” isn’t of a heavenly baked treat.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
Kissing up for Anonymiss Cookies online, and never being able to eat them!
… making snarky comments about studies regarding “internet addiction” to impress a group of people you’ll never actually meet in real life.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
believing you can keep your doctor.
seeing that “Addictions” will be covered by increased medicaid payments in Obamacare.
believing what a Doctor on the internet says.
. . . a burning desire to put puppies in a blender
. . . believing that Andrew Sullivan is a real person
. . . searching for a website that will clean your house
… your “Second Life” is far more interesting than your first one.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
far too many cat videos in your temporary internet files.
…. justifying a social faux pas by claiming you were “hacked”.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
believing most women look like Kate Hudson.
… posting at least three responses to this article.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
IMAO, ‘nuf ced.
… putting Internet use ahead of truly important things, like alcohol or heroin.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
occasional drowsiness.
… telling yourself that you can stop browsing tvtropes.org “anytime I want to”.
…the walkin’ pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
having even the NSA say, “Dude, take it down a bit.”
… your email address is ICanQuitAnytimeIWantMan@something.com
(Nuts – this is #3)
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
having a restraining order out on you from the owners of MyPrettyPony.com
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
having more that ten email addresses so you can support your sock puppet habit.
… you’re still using CompuServe or Prodigy with dialup on a PC-jr (or an Amiga) (or a TI-99A) (half-credit if you’re using a PC with Microsoft Bob).
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
Thinking Weird Al has nailed it.
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah
What y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
Workin’ at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin’ the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin’ my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don’t read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin’ on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I’m strictly plug-and-play, I ain’t afraid of Y2K
I’m down with Bill Gates, I call him “Money” for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It’s all about the Pentiums, what?
You’ve gotta be the dumbest newbie I’ve ever seen
You’ve got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You’re usin’ a 286? Don’t make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You’re the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You’re waxin’ your modem, tryin’ to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you’re still livin’ in your parents’ cellar
Downloadin’ pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin’ “Me too!” like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You’re just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
Uh, uh, loggin’ in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got ’em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer’s got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you’ve had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it’s an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that’s great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed ’em
While your computer’s crashin’, mine’s multitaskin’
It does all my work without me even askin’
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says “Etch-A-Sketch” on the side
In a 32-bit world, you’re a 2-bit user
You’ve got your own newsgroup, “alt.total-loser”
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where’d you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I’ll beat you
If I ever meet you I’ll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
What??
… being caught by police at 2AM huddled on a street corner “wardriving” with a laptop.
(BTW, totally unrelated, but does anyone have the number for a defense lawyer who might specialize in this type of case? Just asking, of course. For a friend.)
… turning tricks so you can upgrade your crummy DSL line to FIOS.
@26 – same aside as #25, by the way.
… you spend twice as much time blogging about what you did than you did doing it in the first place.
… posting pictures of your food to Instagram.
…. you go to playboy.com to read the articles.
…sending requests to ones friends asking them to be friends.
@26 – FIOS is an UPgrade???
… you know how to get illicit copies of movies via torrents, but can’t fix a leaky faucet.
@32 In my neck of the suburbs, it is.
… you no longer are able to verbally communicate with another person face-to-face.
… you speak in internet abbreviations and relevant memes.
… you cannot correctly pronounce many of the words you commonly type (like “meme” – rhymes with “team”, fyi)
… taking your kids to the docs for routine shots is referred to by you as “running the antivirus program”.
…you google Jesus every Sunday. During the sermon.
…your monitor has a washer/wiper switch.
…as an EMS worker whenever you are sent to remove someone who has been grafted into his desk chair you sit in his lap while web surfing for an hour.
…touch typing.
…you are prepared for the next zero day Windows/Office attack.
… you no longer have the strength in your hands to hold a manual writing implement, much less write something.
… you are no longer right-handed or left-handed since you obviously type with both hands.
… you are amazed when you discover your parent’s old jalopy has an electronic device in it that plays podcasts (and commercials).
… when shopping for a burial plot, you ask about Wi-Fi.
… you laugh when PC novices use the CD tray as a cup holder, but you check the weather online instead of turning 180 degrees and looking out the window at the basketball-sized thermometer on the tree next to your driveway (with the car you no longer go to the store in).
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
the “1 yard stare”.
… when you discover you’re pregnant the first thing you decide on is an email address, THEN a name.
(gawd, I have to get back to work…)
… you shop for groceries at Amazon.
… Dow Jonesing.
… inability to stop hitting the SLoTD machine.
@42 I totally do that for some things.
When the UPS guy shows up at my house I get really excited…
I cut open the big brown box and find…
oh yeah.
Kleenex.
It was cheaper online.
… HALOcinations and baud dreams.
… you ask a store clerk if you can get a better price for this item online – I’ve seen it happen 🙁
If someone from the past travelled forward into our present, wouldn’t they believe amazon.com was a dating site?
… actually thinking the Obamacare website would work after spending 5 days trying to get signed up and thinking how great is is that you are able to help Obama.
…habitual lurking.
… asking “What’s up, .doc?”
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
thinking “onesomes” are a perfectly good substitute for “Threesomes”.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
…if you find yourself taking your smartphone, tablet or laptop with you when you go to the outhouse.
…hairy palms
…checking IMAO more than ten times a day looking for the next “Straight Line Of The Day”
…the inability to deal with anything in real life
@49 Lurkers be damned! Worse scum than YGDFT!YLTATSOTE.
… when you want to impress someone with your opera expertise you search YouTube for Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I going to hang out here until someone tells me what a lurker is…
… being LOL’ed into a false sense of security.
… getting YouTubes tied.
… staring at a blank screen for 2 hours and believing that healthcare.gov is going to successfully complete your login any second now.
… watching the google street view of your house for hours and calling that a security system.
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
thinking death is just nature’s way of rebooting.
… dot-compulsions.
#61. Good thing you didn’t say dot-orgasms.
…Building a shrine to the inverntor–the glorious Mr. Gore!
@44: Actually, I’m thinking about ordering baking chocolate from them, because it’s about 60% the cost I get in grocery stores. But I think it’s quite clear that I have taken the first step to recovery, for I AM an addict.
You were a victim of self-hypnosis watching the little wheel go around on the Obamacare website.
@62: Check to the raiser!
… Dell-erium tremens.
… all of the above. May be treated with sodium Pentiumthal.
…clicking on Nuking Politics at every break, thinking to yourself, “C’mon c’mon c’mon Anonymiss – judge me!”
Doctors say “internet addiction” is on the rise. Symptoms include…
… a compulsion to mainline by stabbing my router cable into my veins. The last time I did that I was infected with a virus.
… recurring thoughts about installing a USB 3 port directly into the temporal lobe.
@64 what are you baking, can of spam?
… plugging a mini-USB directly into your veins! (Or is it micro-USB now? Are my veins usb 2.0 compatible? Do I need one of those special Apple adapters? Son of a…)
… When a store is out of something, you stare at the shelf hitting the recycle button and hoping some appears.
… You refer to repeat customers as ‘respawns’.
… You find a nice attraction in town, and spend an hour looking for the favorite button on the storefront so that you can remember the address.
LEEROY JENKINS Syndrome
…living in your motherboards basement.
Knowing the 10 kinds of internet addiction… slightly addicted and StrongBad addicted.
You just can’t stop watching
(I’ve been curtailing my internet addiction with new grandson addiction, which is why my posting is now a little more sporadic)
@78 Congratulations Grandpa!!!! That’s wonderful news.
We need pictures! 😀
…trying to turn the internet modem speed all the way to eleven.
Goin’ have to face it you’re addicted to baud…
#81. Our baud, who art in modem, hollow be thy name…
…welcomes your new grandson because that means more internet for me!!!
…takes six months to view all the pics of your six week old.
…the most obvious symptom of withdrawal is rigor mortis.
…you can’t remember if it is your wife or your husband that you first met online.
@81… or ‘Hollerith be thy name.’
84. Wow, haven’t seen that in years, since the days when I had to read 5 and 8 level paper tape in the USAF.
And punched card decks in Cobol, mustn’t forget…
(you kids get off my lawn!)
Congratulations on the juvenile Dill-inquent!
We’ll misuse — I mean, miss you — when you’re otherwise occupied.
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@85 Steve H: Is COBOL extant?