OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – During a campaign stop in Iowa, former Vice President and current Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden promised that if he is elected next year, he will implement a massive new government spending program that will “cure cancer“, except without the crippling unintended consequences associated with every other massive government spending program that’s ever been implemented.

“I hate cancer,” said Biden. “I wish I could put my hands around cancer’s throat and strangle it to death. I wouldn’t even sniff its hair while I did it. THAT’S how much I hate cancer. But what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna tax those greedy billionaires and trillionaires and make them pay their fair share. Then we’ll take that fair share and give it to… um… doctors and… researchers… and other doctors… and they’re gonna take all that money and I promise you that before the end of my first term – or maybe my second – we will finally have the cure for cancer.”

“Now, I know some of the doubters across the aisle will say that it will never work, but there’s plenty of precedent,” continued Biden. “Look at the war on poverty. After 50 years, poverty has been completely cured in America. You’re probably a millionaire right now and don’t even know it.”

As Biden paused for breath, his campaign manager, DB Dukes, leaned over and whispered something into Biden’s ear while covering the microphone with his hand.

“Really? Still the same 15% poverty rate it was when the program started? Huh… well, ok, bad example. Now the war on drugs! Home run! Outside of Extra Strength Tylenol, there’s not a single drug in the land. Heck, you can’t even buy Sudafed without more ID than it takes to vote in most states. A complete victory for…”

Dukes interrupted with another whisper.

“We lost? Pot’s legal in 33 states? Wow… Are we at least putting up “drug free zone” signs on the schools?… oh… LESS effective than “gun free zone” signs? I didn’t even know that was possible… OK, so a couple missteps, but now let’s talk about how Obamacare finally got everyone in the country the healthcare they… oh NOW what, DB?”

Whisperings.

“Oh… COULDN’T keep their doctor… or their insurance… or their full time jobs that got cut to part time to avoid offering employer-sponsored insurance programs? Wow! That’s awful! What kind of dipstick would push through something like… Well, now that you mention it, the last 10 years ARE a little fuzzy…. But look, DB, none of this matters. Do you know why?”

Dramatic inhalation, as Biden locked his baby blues on the crowd.

“Because THIS time… it will be DIFFERENT!”

As the audience screamed with an odd combination of ignorance and confidence, Dukes grabbed the microphone and offered his own coda.

“This guy’s an idiot. I’m outta here. Trump 2020 y’all,” said Dukes before tossing the microphone over his shoulder like Skywalker chucking a lightsaber, and exiting stage left.

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