“Four years,” President Bush said. “Who would have ever thought this war would last four years?”
“I would have thought five,” Dick Cheney said.
Bush waved his torch around to light the walls of the underground crypt. “What are we doing here again?”
“Halliburton board meeting.”
Bush looked back at the little goat he had on a leash. “Wait a second. You didn’t ask me to bring Petey the goat so you could sacrifice him, did you?”
“If you like him so much, we’ll let you bring home his head.” They came to a large cavern with a number of giant blue flames. The flames grew brighter and out each one emerged a sinister hooded figure. “To evil!” they shouted.
“To evil!” Cheney answered.
“Evil! Yay!” said a young woman.
Bush turned around to see a woman in a business suit with an inappropriately short skirt. He leaned over to whisper to Cheney, “Uh… who is she?”
“We were starting to get some pressure about how all of our board are white males — the most evil kind of human — so we went to a number of strip clubs until we found a woman willing to work for Halliburton.”
“Wow! A baby goat!” she exclaimed. “Are we starting a petting zoo?”
“You’re still not allowed to talk, Candy,” Cheney said.
“I just wanted to say I’m getting sick and tired of all you!” Bush shouted. “You guys told me that Halliburton could steal all the oil in Iraq within six months and then you’d blow up the entire country and blame it on Belgium!”
“Who’s Belgium?” Candy asked.
“Now it’s four years later,” Bush continued, “and we’re still in Iraq and everyone is yelling at me and telling me I’m a bad President.”
“We decided more evil could be done by extending things out,” one of the hooded figures said.
“Why?” Bush yelled. “How does that make you any money?”
“Don’t forget the Halliburton motto,” Cheney said. “‘Evil before profit!'”
“We are trying to destabilize the entire region!” stated one of the board. “Soon its famine and pestilence will spread to the rest of the world!”
“Are you guys talking about that thing on TV with all the yelling people and the sand?” Candy asked.
Cheney sighed. “Is it the ‘no’ or the ‘talking’ part of your instructions that’s given you trouble?”
“If you ruin everything there, then what will happen with our oil supply?” Bush asked.
“We’re working on alternative fuel sources,” hissed one of the cloaked. “We already have a car that runs on the pain-filled cries of puppies.”
“How about a car that runs on cola,” Candy suggested. “You can get that pretty cheap at Wal-Mart.”
“How is that evil?” Cheney demanded.
Candy slapped her forehead. “Oh yeah. I keep forgetting the evil!”
“Know what? I’m done with you guys!” Bush shouted. “I’m starting to think that you guys are evil, and that’s not what I want for administration.”
“Fool!” a board member yelled. “You dare defy us! We shall — OW! THE GOAT BIT ME!”
“I think Petey has it right,” Bush said. “We’re out of here. From now on, we’re only listening to the Zionist conspiracy. You guys are nothing but evil… and a bit slutty. Come on, Petey; let’s go back to the White House and pick out some attorneys to fire.” He walked away, taking his goat with him.
“That was to be our sacrifice to our master Satan!” a cloaked man yelled.
“Do you think that slutty remark was aimed at me?” Candy asked. “Just because I was a stripper doesn’t mean I’m a slut. That’s one of those stereo things. We should make him and his family pay for his impotence!”
“‘Impudence,'” Cheney corrected her. “This is why I said we should have invested more time in out mind control device instead of picking out a leader we thought would be dumb and easy to manipulate. What do we do now?”
“How about we go have lunch at T.G.I. Friday’s?” Candy said. “I know it’s not evil, but they have great appetizers.”
Cheney shrugged. “Yeah. Sure.”
is it true? FIRST!
Satanists?
But that would mean that Halliburton is a LEFTIE based company.
First!
i must say, in an effort to not fawn all over the “J”, this is not the his best effort. I ain’t even gonna say anything about the typos.
i just don’t feel this one was that well thought out. B+
i still don’t think it should be banned in China, though!
i must say, in an effort to not fawn all over the “J”, this is not the his best effort. I ain’t even gonna say anything about the typos.
Can’t hit a homerun every time at bat, but I shall do better next time!
Loved it! So…will Candy be a regular we hope?
Hilarious!
Kinda downhill after that.
First!!!
Loved it! So…will Candy be a regular we hope?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter on March 21, 2007 01:32 PM
OH Hell no, I want Cheney to shoot her right now.
And why sacrifice a goat? Goats are useful; they bite people and eat garbage. Can’t they just sacrifice hippies instead?
Please make Petey the goat a regular in the series! I really like goats.
Keep the goat, sacrifice Candy.
See, Frank? After the complaints about the quality of this story, I hope you’ve learned to write your own stuff and not just take “news reports” verbatim from Daily Kos.
OK, so you edited out all the swearing, overuse of exclamation points, and long passages of all-caps. But still….
I agree w/ allthatsright.
dittos allthatsright.
I was disappointed that Cheney didn’t kill her, cut her into pieces and toss them into a dumpster.
I think you folks are being too hard on Candy. She feeds Cheney some pretty good straight lines. And she’s smart enough to be Speaker of the House or a US Senator from Massachusetts.
And she’s smart enough to be Speaker of the House or a US Senator from Massachusetts.
Silicon Valley, we get it, you don’t like Candy.
That’s no reason to insult her.
“How about we go have lunch at T.G.I. Friday’s?” Candy said. “I know it’s not evil, but they have great appetizers.”
Cheney shrugged. “Yeah. Sure.”
That made up for any possible mediocrity before it.
Yeah, the idea of Friday’s serving anything good is pretty hilarious.
Did you know that the movie “Cocktail” was filmed in the original TGI Friday’s? In that film, Tom Cruise plays a bartender whose dream is to franchise an NYC-type bar to malls all over the country. And then TGI Friday sold their name and just like the movie, they were in malls all over the country, with predictable results.
Now that Tom Cruise is head of United Artists, he will use his power to see ever more of his cinematic ideas come to life, through which he will establish his counterfeit kingdom on Earth and reign atop a throne of blood.
20th!