if a cop sees a police car scanner in your car they immediately arrest you for being a super cool badass

— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) September 3, 2013

"50 Shades of Grey" fans are hurt by the casting choices. "50 Shades" producers grip their whips tighter, murmur, "Good…"

— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) September 3, 2013

OPERATION I'M NOT ANGRY I'M JUST VERY DISAPPOINTED

— The_One_Who_Brings (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 3, 2013

If when giving my eulogy you mention my one-time affinity for dave matthews band I will rise like a phoenix and eliminate you.

— jon sender (@senderblock23) September 3, 2013

Teach your daughter to shoot, 'cause a restrainin' order is just a piece of paper. Merica.

— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) September 4, 2013