I’m still mad about my last column. A lot of people thought it was my funniest one yet, but a couple hours after it was published, Chicago was the first city eliminated by the Olympics committee which rendered my column pointless. I just assumed that if Obama was traipsing all the way to Copenhagen that he had the Olympics in the bag, and I am once again left surprised and disappointed in how utterly incompetent and useless he is. If he actually did get a bucket stuck on his head before a big meeting with heads of state, it wouldn’t be the dumbest thing he’s ever done.
Still, we’re stuck with Obama until at least 2013, so we need to at least get him competent enough to not get us nuked. So here are some idea to at least make those years survivable:
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE THE OBAMA PRESIDENCY SURVIVABLE
10. Get Obama a Presidency for Dummies book.
9. Have Disney’s animatronic Obama from the Hall of Presidents and the real Obama switch places.
8. Have Obama watch seasons of 24 on DVD to see how America’s first black president, President Palmer, did it.
7. Every time Obama stands up to an enemy of America, he gets a cookie.
6. Make Obama half-cyborg for intimidation value.
5. Get Obama the father figure he never had: Chuck Norris.
4. Pull a feather off a crow and tell Obama to wear it in his hair at all times as it’s the magical feather of leadership (may also give Obama the confidence to fly with his oversized ears).
3. Get him a more butch looking teleprompter.
2. Tell him he’s not allowed to appear on TV again until he actually accomplishes something.
And the number one way to make the Obama presidency survivable…
Get Obama an official American birth certificate so he feels more invested in this country.
7. Every time Obama stands up to an enemy of America, he gets a cigarette. FIFY
* Force Robert Gibbs to dress up as a clown.
* During a televised hearing, address Senator Barbara Boxer as “Ma’am” just for giggles.
* Allow Joe Biden to appear in the Bud Light Super Bowl commercial he was so excited about.
* Free unicorns.
* Show clips from Mad Max in high schools to help our teens prepare for their future.
“6. Make Obama half-cyborg for intimidation value.”
Michelle, his better half is already a cyborg.
Get a FATHER FIGURE for Obama QUICK! He wants APPROVAL from Castro, Putin, Chavez and Ahmadinejad …
Marco I like your idea about having Gibbs dress as a clown. But I’d like to see him as a clown with no ability to speak. He should just have a horn that he toots in response to questions, and maybe an old fashioned seltzer bottle he squirts at reporters who’s questions he doesn’t want to answer….or that are just too embarrassing to the administration to answer….even with a horn. Also he should have a better stage name than Robert like maybe Clarabelle or something…yeah that’s it Clarabelle, what do you think?
Bill Bennet was right, the classless disgrace had a chance to talk up America at the IOC. Fail. He had a chance at Geneva. Fail.
By the time that idiot earns a cookie, they will be totally stale. So can we eat them instead?
Invest in distillery and brewery stocks and drink heavily for the next three years.
Who is Obama where did he come from?
Can’t wait for somebody to take THAT out of context…
If he gets a more butch teleprompter, won’t the first sasquatch leave him?
I fully endorse your ideas, zzyzx, with one exception. I prefer “Nancy” to “Clarabelle”.
No, Glenda! Glenda. That’s perfect.
almost forgot the JUDGE DAVID CARTER Obama hearing on hos birth certificate is today. tata! Sahrah Palin Stepped down for a reason default vp ?
Obama Birth Cert-Judge David Carter orders discovery.
What Obama must produce, Has Just 30 Days.
1 Certified copy of original birth certificate
2 Columbia University transcripts
3 Columbia thesis paper
4 Campaign donor analysis requested by 7 major watchd…og groups
5 Harvard University transcripts
6 Illinois State Senate records
7 Illinois State Senate schedule
8 Law practice client list and billing records/summary
9 Locations and names of all half-siblings and step-mother
10 Medical records (only the one page summary released so far)
11 Occidental College Transcripts
12 Parent’s marriage Certificate
13 Record of baptism
14 Selective Service registration records
15 Schedules for trips outside of the United States before 2007
16 Passport records for all passports
17 Scholarly articles
18 SAT and LSAT test scores
19 Access to his grandmother in Kenya
20 List of all campaign workers that are lobbyists
21 Punahou grade school records
22 Noelani Kindergarten records are oddly missing from the the State of Hawaii Department of Education
http://mediamattersaction.org/video/200909140004
More survivable? Three components:
1. Bunker
2. Ammo
3. Cool “Mad Max” name
4. More Ammo
Four! Four components.
5. Oh, food and water.
Five! Five components.
six components – Women (preferably mute)
He’s been in one job for over a hundred days. By his track record, it isn’t time for him to start running for a higher office?
Pope jokes aside, since there really isn’t a higher political office, I say we just make one up, and then give it to him. Supremo Earth Captain?
*Have periodic challenges and vote one czar off the country each week.
To improve his image as a vacillating wuss he should challenge the “leaders” of Iran to a pick up game of horse. Winner gets to nuke the moon first.
I don’t know about ALL the rest of the Obama presidency, but here is how to make the last two years of it more survivable:
RETAKE CONGRESS IN 2010!
#2 Marko & #5 zzyzx…I have an even better idea/compromise. Dress up Robert Gibbs as a mime. That way, it will spare us the agony of having to hear him talk, the left will love it, because now he’s supporting art, and everybody will automatically want to punch him in the face.
Ah yes! Glenda, as in ‘Glen or Glenda’ a cinematic classic produced and directed in 1953 by the immortal Ed Wood? A man who’s cinematic standards, directorial abilities, and production standards demonstrate his unquestionable movie making genius? A man Michael Moore tries in vain to emulate….but sadly falls short of the mark with every attempt? Is that the Glenda you have in mind? Yeah, sounds good to me!
Indeed it is, zzyzx.
Take away his shovel, and stick a sock in it(‘s mouth)
Trick him into saying his name backwards, sending him back to his own dimension
when he gets a bucket stuck on his head, beat it with wooden spoons while he trys to get it off his head.
zzyzx / Marko (et al) – Stay with “Clarabelle”; otherwise calling the WH press corps the “Peanut Gallery” won’t make any sense.
Robert Gibb’s clown name, Polly Esther.
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* Pass a new law exempting the White House as a smoke-free workplace. For god sakes, let him smoke! (That’s an old Cold Turkey movie line.)
To improve his image as a vacillating wuss he should challenge the “leaders” of Iran to a pick up game of horse.
But send somebody along to make sure that neither Obama nor the “leaders” get confused and try to pick up horses.
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replace Joe Biden with Dick Cheney
Just have him go hunting with Dick Cheney.
#14 – zeus,
I think I have a copy of my birth certificate stowed in a cardboard box in the spare bedroom, but the rest of that stuff? Whew!
I guess I could never be president.
Oh well, I suppose he has people who can round up that stuff for him.
It’d be nice to get these issues settled once and for all; but it’s a shame they had to get a judge to call for it.
I’m sure it’ll all be cleared up without delay or excuses, right?
BATTLE HYMN OF THE UNSINKABLE BIRTHERS!
(Sung to the tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”)
Mine eyes have not yet seen
Obama’s birth certificate.
It is hidden in a vault
Where only God’s Right Hand can get.
Obama’s C. O. L. B. is a
Lousy counterfeit.
It’s truth we’re marching for!!!!
Orly! Orly! Hallelujah!!!
Orly! Orly! Hallelujah!!!
Orly! Orly! Hallelujah!!!
It’s truth we’re marching for!!!!
We shall fight the Masked Usurper
On the beaches, in the hills.
We shall fight this Painted Joker
On the seas and in the fields.
We shall fight to Hell and back
And into court and with appeals.
It’s truth we’re marching for!
Orly! Orly! Hallelujah!!!
Orly! Orly! Hallelujah!!!
Orly! Orly! Hallelujah!!!
It’s truth we’re marching for!!!!
(Author grants permission to reprint on web or in print and to perform in public)