I just realized I’ve never done a Know Thy Enemy™ segment on the North Koreans. If we ever have to fight them, it’s likely my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, will have to go out there. I don’t want him to get killed, because, if he does, it will be on my honor to avenge his death, and my schedule is just too busy for vengeance. So, I got my crack research staff to find all the important information one needs to know to fight the North Koreans.
FUN FACTS ABOUT NORTH KOREANS
* Remember, it’s the North Koreans who are the evil Commies while the South Koreans are the ones who give us cars with really good warranties and animate The Simpsons. The West Koreans are mysterious loners who will work for the highest bidder.
* North Korea got its name from being North of South Korea. I don’t know how South Korea got its name.
* North Korea is said to be the last Stalinist state, which means it’s like an extra evil Commie country. I mean, people are escaping to China for a better life; that’s pretty damn Commie!
* I believe we once fought a war with North Korea, and I think we won, too. There’s precedent for you!
* They call the area between North and South Korean the Demilitarized Zone, even though it’s filled with mines. With that much armaments, you’d think they’d call it the “Really-Millitarized Zone.” Anyway, if you’re walking through the RMZ, make sure someone is walking ahead of you.
* I’ve heard rumors that the Koreans eat dogs. That’s just like cannibalism! Except, instead of eating people, they’re eating dogs.
* North Koreans are probably armed with Russian hardware like most evil people, because who would have sold weapons to evil people other than the Russians? Oh, they might also have French and German weaponry.
* Tae Kwan Do is a martial art that comes from Korea, so I would assume that every North Korean knows it. The martial art is characterized by its high kicks meant to knock riders from horses. So, when fighting a North Korean, duck low so his kick goes over your head, then counter with an uppercut.
* North Koreans are vulnerable to silver bullets… and any other bullets.
* Supposedly the North Koreans have nuclear missiles that could reach all the way to California, but let’s find out which part of California before we get too panicked.
* I’m pretty sure ninjas are either Chinese or Japanese, but I can’t guarantee that the Koreans don’t have any. So, when fighting them, bring a samurai sword just in case since ninjas dodge bullets.
* If you find yourself attacked by a North Korean, stop, drop, and roll.
* The North Korean government keeps their people starving, oppressed, isolated, and ignorant, and they are all taught that Americans are evil. Still, if having to invade their country, just toss the people some Fun Size bag of Fritos and I bet they’ll think you’re the second coming of Christ.
* Just like the llama, the North Koreans need a constant intake of oxygen to survive; thus, they are susceptible to strangling.
* If a North Korean bites you, you become one.
* In a fight between the North Korean military and the Flash, the Flash would run away really quickly to a tropical resort in Thailand and drink a Mai Tai.
* I’m sorry, but I’m running out of jokes about Aquaman.
* Okay, one more: In a fight between Aquaman and the North Koreans, Aquaman could splash Kim Jong Il messing up his poofy hair and humiliating him. The North Koreans would then hit Aquaman with so much artillery that the Justice League wouldn’t even be able to identify him by his dental records.
* If you kill a North Korean, be careful! His body will explode into deadly poisonous gas… or maybe I’m getting them confused with the enemies from some videogame.
* Their leader, Kim Jong Il, has extremely poofy hair, and our inaction will not make it any less poofy.
And did the East Koreans get a house dropped on them, causing their toes to roll up? Enquiring minds want to know!
Are you sure that North Korea is north of South Korea? I always thought…
Nevermind.
Is it true that when the Koreans have a dog dinner, that they drink Jack Spaniels?
MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer
“Supposedly the North Koreans have nuclear missiles that could reach all the way to California, but let’s find out which part of California before we get too panicked.”
YES, YEEESSSS!!! Yet another great line Frank. Nearly fell off my chair laughing.
Unfortunately, the closest city in California to North Korea, which is the only major city in California where there are actual Republicans. And a lot of the Navy. And, most importantly, me.
That should have read “the closest city in California to North Korea is San Diego…”
Oops.
We need to dispel some rumors here. I live in Seoul, and can tell you firsthand that South Koreans don’t “eat” dogs. Whether North Koreans give their dogs blowjobs and slow, languorous cunnilingus, I have no idea. But in South Korea, so far as I know, no one “eats” dogs. Not in public.
What do North Koreans actually eat (as in EAT)? At this point, I’d say they eat each other, and South Koreans eat them, too. It’s pretty sad. In the South, you can go to the supermarket and buy vacuum-sealed plastic packages of North Korean ass, thigh, and arm jerky. Most of the time it’s boneless; occasionally you’ll realize you’ve been chewing absently on a five-year-old’s ulna, but that usually crunches into powder with little trouble. Anyway, bones or no bones, North Koreans are remarkably tasty.
The Koreans of both Koreas enjoy throwing mounds of red hot chili peppers into their food. As a consequence, everyone– from toddlers to grandmothers– shits fire. Very often, public toilets are of the “squatting” variety, which is a bad design: the moment that first lump of crap hisses out of the typical Korean’s ass, a huge column of flame shoots out as well, frying his pants from around his ankles and ricocheting upward from the concave porcelain surface to barbecue his own scrotum. This is why the Koreans you see on TV always appear angry, uncompromising, and nude from the waist down.
Anyway, Frank, I wish you luck with your various pursuits. Feel free to visit the blog any ol’ time. Just stop telling your filthy, goddamn lies about Korea. Come to me and I’ll give you the scoop from an off-white perspective.
Frank, you’re wrong about us winning the Korean war. That’s what the Month of Anti-U.S. Joint Struggle is all about. It starts on the day of the dastardly American attack on peaceful North Korea, and ends on the day of the final North Korean victory.
By the way, I didn’t make that up. Just ask Mr. Poofy Hair, he’ll tell you.
I don’t know about those Tae Kwon Do high kicks. Since we Asians are shorter than everyone else, won’t our high kicks get you right in the chin? 😉
Maybe the kick is combined with a jump to get up to the rider’s level. But I don’t know jack about any martials arts, except that ninjas are not so cool as many people believe, so that’s just a WAG.
What about that one basketball player, Yeoh Ming? He’s pretty tall. Whatever he did, all the other Asians should copy it. Then the North Koreans will kick above our heads.
“I’ve heard rumors that the Koreans eat dogs. That’s just like cannibalism! Except, instead of eating people, they’re eating dogs.”
Where do you think Instapundit gets his recipes?
J
Not that you care anymore with such an old post, but the Koreans actually did (do?) have ninjas. They came from the ancient Hwarang tradition and were called Sulsa warriors. I don’t know much more than that, but to find out more about the Hwarang and the associated art Hwa Rang Do, you can check out hwarangdo.com. And the jump spin kick was oringinally designed to unseat a horsed soldier.
Um, right. i just wanted to get some info… do Koreans eat dogs or don’t they?
It’s just a project, i’m not desperate for info or anything…..
😀
haha i just came upon ur site…it’s pretty funny. very hypocritical, but amusing. hmm no Koreans dunt eat dogs anymore. while the french and others eat calf’s brains and frog legs, nope. scientifically, koreans are known to be the best fighters, mentally. before u go on about the tae kwon do society, u should first see the white trying to learn the art. dunno if they r dancing or actually trying to fight. haha an uppercut…tae kwon do is also known for its speed and dodging…dunt u think they can kick ur ass b4 u cud lay a finger on them? i do suggest u scratch off the “fun FACTS” cause they can’t be facts if u never truly experienced or really know about it. ninjas are japanese and they cant “dodge” bullets. about the crack on north koreans living standards…i seriously dunt think that’s a laughing matter. wud u laugh about the Holocaust living standards? dunt think so. ha, i jus cant help but to think this shows how stupid this is. if u list wat’s better between korea/japan to america, the asian side would win. Oh and just to say, I’m a white ass american that happens to have lived over to korea.
LOOK FREAK, I’M KOREAN AND I DON’T EAT DOGS. THE ARTICLE YOU WROTE IS COMPLETELY RACISTS. JUST BECAUSE WE’RE KOREAN THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE ANY DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER HUMANS. IF THIS IS A JOKE… IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY. IF NORTH KOREANS BITE YOU, YOU BECOME ONE TOO?!?!?!?!?!?! I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID… NORTH KOREANS ARE JUST LIKE OTHER PEOPLE BUT IN WORSE LUCK, AND IT AIN’T EXACTLY THEIR FAULT KID! IF YOU WERE SOME UNLUCKY POOR KID BORN IN NORTH KOREA, YOU WOULDN’T WANT THEM TO SAY THAT JUST BECAUSE THEY LIVE THERE THEY ARE VULNERABLE TO ANY BULLETS. IF YOU WANT TO POST SOMETHING ABOUT NORTH KOREANS ATLEAST FIND OUT IF THEY ARE TRUE OR NOT. AND I BET THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING WRONG ABOUT YOU TOO! sO STOP MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE ELSE! I KNOW A COUPLE OF NORTH KOREANS AND THEY ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL AND NICE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY ARE FROM NORTH KOREA. SO WHY DON’T YOU GET THIS ARTICLE AND SHOVE IT UP YOU @$$!
yes it is true koreans love dog meat but not all. the ones that do are sick bastards
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Do yourself a favor, don’t mess with any hazel eyed Koreans who say they are from Sinanju!