Protesters Dump Soda in New York Harbor

Posted on June 15, 2012 4:04 pm

NEW YORK CITY (AP) – In an unexpected show of defiance against New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposed ban on the sale of sugary drinks in quantities over 16 ounces, thousands of protesters dumped soda into New York Harbor today, leading to hundreds of arrests.

“You can have my Big Gulp when you pry it from my cold, dead, sausage-fingered hands!”

Carrying signs with slogans such as “no limitation on my carbonation,” a throng of furious and mostly overweight demostrators gathered on the city’s docks to hurl the contents of half-gallon convenience-store cups into the Atlantic, carelessly threatening endangered fish with obesity and diabetes.

Mayor Bloomberg’s office was quick to issue a call for a show of reason and order from New York’s agitated and corpulent masses.

“We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things,” Bloomberg said in defense of his draconian and poorly calculated cup-size restriction, “we’re simply forcing you to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to go from one cup to another cup. It’s not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only cause of people being overweight – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn you when things are not good for your health.”

Possibly harkening back to the original “Boston Tea Party” protest of 1773, many of the participants disguised themselves as Indians. Later investigation, however, showed that there were just a lot of 7-11 and Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owners present.

One pudgy protester said that, although he really hated to waste perfectly good soda, he felt compelled to express his displeasure at the Mayor’s plan through peaceful methods, although he did not rule out the possible use of more extreme measures in the future.

“We’re not taking away the Mayor’s right to pass laws,” he said, “we’re simply forcing him to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to screw with people’s freedom. This protest is not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only way to battle nanny-state tyranny – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn Mayor Bloomberg when he does things that are not good for his health.”

“If you know what I mean,” he added with a somber wink.

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UPDATE: Linked by Manhattan Libertarian Party

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9 Responses to “Protesters Dump Soda in New York Harbor”

  1. plentyobailouts says:

    bloombooger = galquida dooosh!

  2. Karen says:

    Protestors disguised themselves as indians, and were immediately offered tenured positions at Harvard.

  3. Jay says:

    “We’re not taking away the Mayor’s right to pass laws,” he said

    The mayor doesn’t have a “right” to pass laws. In some jurisdictions he may have the “power” to enact laws, but rights belong to citizens, not governments.

    Bloomberg said in defense of his draconian and poorly calculated cup-size restriction

    I certainly hope that cup size restriction is for B cup or larger.

  4. Jimmy says:

    This actually happened.

    I know it says “Newsish Fakery” but I, for one, believe it…

    Alright then. Okay, then it SHOULD happen…

    I know. I know. It’ll never happen. :-(

  5. Iowa Jim says:

    Excellent, Karen!

  6. Original Sith says:

    Wait… there are fish in New York Harbor??

  7. seanmahair says:

    Of course not, this is news fakery. There are no fish in that harbor nor are there any New Yorkers who care what Nanny Bloomberg says. They’ll just buy 2 sodas instead of one. It’s New York.

  8. Dohtimes says:

    Bloombuggy is soooooo short that he can only be 1/32 of anything.

  9. Manhattan Libertarian Party - Oh Thank Heaven: Mayor Protects us from 7-Eleven! links:

    [...] “We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things,” Bloomberg said in defense of his draco… [...]

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