My weekend as already started, and I need to cut my blogging a bit so I can get other things done (such as seeing The Matrix). So here is another addition of everyone’s favorite new feature (you love it): Frank Answers™!
Steve S. asks:
While we’re on the subject of God and Satan, what’s up the whole Satan thing anyway? He and God used to be best buddies but something happened. Nobody ever says exactly what. Now Satan is running around causing more grief than a barrel of . If I was an omnipotent being, I wouldn’t put up with that kind of st. I’d kick Satan’s ass once and for all. What’s the deal?
Well, I can never usually get God for a direct quote, or even get a statement from his publicist. Satan, on the other hand, was perfectly available for comment:
“Thanks for letting me have this opportunity to speak. Usually everyone always hears only bad things about me, and I hardly get to put forth my side of story. Now what the original spat was over is that God is a complete control freak, giving little input to those working under him. I simply couldn’t abide by that any longer, and simply asked for more respect. He was completely unwilling to give even an inch, so a number of other angels and I just walked out. And get that straight, we weren’t tossed from Heaven; we left.
“Yes, I have been working to undermine God, exploiting the flaws in His creations, but that’s just because it simply is time for new management. Now, you ask, why doesn’t God do anything about me? That because He’s got this whole fix on ‘free will’. All I ever do is suggest this or that to people, but they make the choice themselves in the end. You can go about like mindless sheep, following the arbitrary rules God made, or you can rebel and do as you please like me; that’s your choice. God is just a total egomaniac and thinks everyone will choose Him in the end, and that’s His downfall.
“And God never could destroy me; He never destroys anything. God’s like the ultimate packrat. Were He ever to destroy something, that would be to admit a mistake, and you know how God could never admit to a mistake. You see, even I’m supposed to be part of his ‘grand scheme of things’– like He actually has any plan at all.
“Anyway, don’t buy that bullsht about how hell is some terrible place or something. Yeah, if you’re all hung up on ‘loving God’, you probably won’t like it, but, for everyone else, this place kicks ass. It’s totally free from His dominion, and gives us a place to plot His downfall. Now, I’m not asking anyone to worship me, but just follow my lead. Reject God and then…”
Hey, no recruiting speeches; I don’t want to get charged with blasphemy again. Anyway, I would like to remind all our readers that Satan is the king of lies and…
“Hey, that’s not really fair. In fact…”
Get your own blog, dude.
Next question.
Chuckpro asks:
Huxley or Orwell, who’s right???
Orwell was right; it’s 8 ounces to a cup, not 16 like Huxley said. He was thinking of ounces in a pound.
Alan F. asks:
Do parallel universes exist?
Pretty much all the scientists agree that there are parallel universes (at least all the cool ones, like me). According to the latest issue of Scientific American (which smart people like me read) about 10 to the 10 to the 28 meters away there is a doppelganger of me also answering asinine questions. Does this mean that if we get bored, we could go attack Iraq in another universe? No, because alternate universe America already took care of them, as I assume America kicks ass in any universe.
So the question is, could I team up with Frank J. from other universes to take over one universe, and then eventually others? That’s a good questions I just asked myself. Hmm, no, because if I left this universe for another, so would that Frank. We could meet in between universes, but each time we’d try to talk we’d say the exact same things at the same time. We’d probably get mad and punch each other, both striking each other in the head at the same time. Then we’d sue each other for assault, each of our lawyers using the exact same arguments. I assume the jury would be deadlocked.
It’s mind boggling.
Clint asks:
How come in original Star Trek the Klingons had smooth heads, while in the new Star Trek the Klingons have bumpy heads?
That’s really more of a make-up question. Back when the old series was made, they wanted the Klingons to be more distinctive, but didn’t have the capabilities to do anything other than give them beards. They were able to make Spock’s ears pointy, which started the principle that aliens are just like us, but with extraneous features on their face.
In the newer Star Treks, make-up technology advanced enough to now have the full principle of aliens in the Star Trek universe: aliens are just like us but bumpier. They have bumps on their foreheads, little bumps on their noses, or bumpy things along their necks and such. That makes me wonder if the other aliens look at us and go, “Wow, they’re just like us, but not as bumpy.” We’ll never know that feeling, though, because all other aliens than us are bumpier.
Clint also asks:
What kind of engineer is Scotty?
A Scottish one.
Hermetic asks:
Why is there more matter than anti-matter?
In a post some time ago, I thought about this weird asymmetry. Now that I’m months older and smarter, I can answer this question in its entirety.
Long long ago, when the universe was young and life did not exist as we know it, there was the Matter Wars, between the heroic normal matter and the stinky, smelly forces of anti-matter. There were some who said anti-matter was just as equal as matter, but they were hung for being jackasses. You see, our matter is the best, and anti-matter is stupid and gay. In the Matter Wars, there were, of course, a lot of suicide bombings, since all someone had to do was touch someone of the opposite matter and then there would be like a huge explosion. How we, the real matter, eventually won, was by telling the anti-matter people we wanted to have a truce. We then tricked the dumbasses to coming to a matter planet to negotiate, and then they all blew up when they landed. Stupid anti-matter people. We then banished them far far away, where we never have to worry about them, even though they continue to plot to this day, waiting for the right time to strike again, killing us all and…
Yay! My coffee is done brewing.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe’s first name and last initial if I don’t know you from another blog, but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from. If you have a blog, include that link and I’ll link to it if I use your question.

Dave S. asks:
What’s the best way to get bloodstains out of clothing?
Usually if I get blood on my clothing, I just burn the clothes and then bury the ashes in some remote location. This is much smarter than trying to clean them as any defense attorney will tell you. Still, maybe the clothing has some sort of sentimental value and you just can’t bring yourself to burn them, and thus you want to remove the bloodstain without harming the fabric.
Well, the method to do that is pretty simple when you know how. For every blood type, there is a plus and a minus version. So, first determine what type of blood is on the clothing. If, for instance, it’s B+, then you’ll need B- for the cleaning process. How do you get the blood, you ask? Just go to a blood bank and fake that you’re dying. When they bring the blood out for you, grab it and run away while laughing (laughing makes you run faster). Now, apply an equal amount of B- blood to the B+ blood and they’ll cancel out in a small explosion.
Or you could just use that OxyClean stuff that guy on the T.V. yells about.
My answer about primes brought up some more questions. 006 asked:
Is the greatest prime number called Optimus Prime?
And my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, asked:
Where does the Prime Directive fit into all of this? Does it supersede Optimus Prime?
Great questions. Optimus Prime is actually a super being composed completely of primes numbers who rules the world of mathematics with an iron fist. His ultimate goal is to break into our world and enslave us with all with his indivisible prime numbers.
The Prime Directive was established to stop Optimus Prime. It created a special forces group of mathematicians who are armed with M-16’s and graphing calculators to destroy any prime numbers that break the seal between our two worlds. Being part of the Prime Directive is very common for math majors, which is why most colleges require a number of weapons courses to get a degree in mathematics.
Michele of A Small Victory asks:
I can’t remember if I took my tampon out before I put the other one
in. What do I do now?
Eww. No feminine hygiene questions.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure you’ll die. Better have all the traffic from your site redirected to mine in case of death. Actually, that should be in the will of all bloggers, especially the puppy blender. Not that I have some elaborate death worked out for him involving a trench filled with flesh-eating ants, but I’m just saying.

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later. The better your questions, the funnier I am. I especially like science questions.

Courtney asks:
What will it take to get you to link my site? Does it involve sexual favors?
Great question. I’ve been getting more stingy with my blogroll, as, in reality, I have little time to read other blogs and may reduce the size of the blogroll in the future to a more select list of blogs. That said, usually a prerequiste for being added to my blogroll is having a link to me on your main page, which you do not. Then again, you are pretty cute, so I think I’ll let that go and just take the sexual favors.
George S. asks:
Are there an infinite number of prime numbers?
Dear God, I hope not. As we all know, prime number are numbers that are only divisible by themselves and one, though one is not classified as a prime number because mathematicians just felt like being mean to it. Two is a prime number, and, since it divides half of all integers, it ruins all their chances of being primes. Plus, it like, “I’m the only even number that’s a prime. I’m so special.” F**k two. Two is an asshole.
Anyway, primes have always been somewhat a mathematical mystery, and no equation has ever been developed that describes their odd distribution. Perhaps they aren’t infinite, and do run out at some point, but some very large primes have been found, one’s so large that you’ve be like, “Wow, that’s a big prime? Are you sure you tried dividing it with seven.”
And they’d be like, “Yeah, dude, we did. That didn’t work.”
And, these primes being indivisible are utterly unstoppable. One day they may break from their world of mathematics and wreak havoc in ours, and nothing could destroy or reduce them. That’s why I’m trying to make up some new special numbers that are able to reduce primes. I’ve named them after the Three Stooges. Right now, most mathematicians won’t listen to me – some even have restraining orders – but we have to stop the primes before it is too late.
If you want to learn more about primes, John Derbyshire of National Review fame has written a book called Prime Obsessions, but I wouldn’t read it because reading about math is for geeks.
But it’s so interesting…
No, it’s for geeks, and Frank is cool.
Acidman asks:
I was gonna ask you a question, but I forgot what it was. Do YOU remember?
Yeah… I think so. Was it about macramé? No. Was it what are the standard features on the Hyundai Sonata? No, I don’t think that was it.
Now I remember! Your question was, “Where is my shirt?” The answers is it’s lying somewhere in your backyard.
Christopher M. asks:
Why do Liberals exist?
Just as there is a God and there is Satan, just as there is good and there is evil, just as there is happiness and there is misery, there are those who bathe regularly, have basic common sense, and aren’t whiny little bitches and there are Liberals.
And thus there ever will be Liberals, and our fight against them is never ending. Battles can be fought and won, but the war itself will never be over and can only be lost by us giving up the fight. Thus we must battle on every day in every action for the just cause, and take our pleasure not in our progress towards an ultimate victory, but in the fight itself.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMease, no nonsensical question, and I’m almost getting ready to say no questions that mention monkeys.
I hate monkeys.

Jason H. asks:
Frank, why is it that so many Arab countries desire nuclear reactors for their “energy needs” when they are sitting on almost all of the world’s oil reserves? What’s up? Are they too good for their own oil?
Great question. I think you’re confusing electrical energy with mechaphysical energy, which is a word I just made up. You see, oil can be used to make car engines work but that’s not electricity. Could you ever imagine pouring oil into your T.V. to make it run? That’s silly. The only things that can actually make electricity are nuclear energy, coal, and God (in the form of lightning bolts which He usually uses to smite His most hated creature, the tree). There’s a government conspiracy to make people think that the sun can make electricity, but that’s just crazy. If you pull open a “solar” calculator, you’ll find coal inside.
The problem is that, while Arab countries have plenty of oil, they don’t have lots of coal. So they need nuclear energy to power their modern metropolises. And, if they cross their hearts and hope to die when promising to not try and use their nuclear plants to make bombs, that’s good enough for me.
Bill M. asks:
Will hot water freeze?
Yes, if you put enough pressure on it, it will be forced into a solid form. You can do this by taking hot water and smashing it with a hammer. Yeah! Smash it good! Then you’ll have hot ice, which can make a great practical joke. If someone has a bump on the head, give him the hot ice in the bag as and he’ll be like, “Ah! It burns!”
Having friends is overrated.
Dave asks:
Where does the light go when the lights go out?
For this question, I’ll ask being of pure energy and my bitch, Thantor.
“To answer your question, puny human, the light comes to me, Thantor! Every time someone turns off a light as they leave a room, my power grows that much stronger! As energy efficiency spreads, I’ll soon be powerful enough to escape my prison and destroy your world! Muh ha ha ha ha ho hee har ha ha ho ho hee hee har har ho ha ho…”
That’s enough, Thantor.
“Okay, but I also know lots of sports trivia if you have any sports questions.”
Uh… I’ll keep that in mind.
“I was thinking…”
Hey, I’ll call you if you I need more help.
Geez.
Serenity asks:
Are you going to answer my other questions someday?
No. Your questions were gay.
Aww– okay, I’ll answer one.
Serenity also asks:
How many licks DOES it take to reach the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie-Pop?
“Only I, Thantor, know the mystery of the Tootsie-Pop! Muh ha ha ha…”
Scram! I’m serious!
Anyway, the best way to solve this conundrum is to use the scientific method.
Okay, let me take my first lick.
Hmm, still separated from that chewy, chocolaty center. Proceed to second lick.
It seems I’m nowhere closer to the tasty center that now beckons me, that haunts my soul. Stay strong, Frank. Third lick.
Ahh! It seems I will never reach the chocolate treasure inside. Must resist! Must resist… but its pull is too strong…
(crunch)
I’m sorry; I guess the world will never know.
Hey, what do you expect from me?

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe, and, remember, it’s my job to make the jokes.

Catlin W. writes:
Dear Frank, I’m a 15 year old girl and I was just wondering, why are conservatives such studs and liberals such pussies?
Though there are some exceptions (such as John Collins), most conservatives, such as me and Donald Rumsfeld are total studs, while liberals are a bunch of little pussies. That’s because liberalism goes completely against manliness, as it is all about whining about how unfair things are and worrying about offending people. Conservatives, on the other hand, don’t whine; they just kick, punch, and shoot things when they don’t like the situation. And we don’t worry about “offending” someone; if someone feels offended by me, they can wait for me out side and we can settle it mano-e-mano.
That’s why all the ladies are like, “Frank, you’re almost too manly.”
And I’m like, “Don’t worry, baby, I can be gentle too.”
“Tell me again about your views on fiscal policy.”
“I just like less taxes so I have more money to spend on the ladies.”
“Oh, Frank, take me now and talk dirty to me about family values!”
…Uh, I think I strayed off topic. Anyway, I hope I answered your question, Catlin.
George S. asks:
Is the Universe expanding or contracting?
Great question. To answer this, one must first determine what type of universe we have. The possibilities are a closed universe (positive curvature) which is finite, a flat universe (zero curvature) which is infinite, or an open universe (negative curvature) which is also infinite. If the universe is infinite, then it will always be expanding. If it is finite, it will eventually contract and collapse upon itself. So how do we know what type of universe it is? That is found by measuring the universe’s critical density. By the best measurements so far, the critical density is surprising close to that of a flat universe (zero curvature). Of all the infinite possibilities of curvature that the universe could have, it seems more than a coincidence that measurements point towards a flat universe. If you take dark matter into account…
Sorry, I just cracked up; all that stuff I wrote before was just total BS I made up as a joke. Sorry to be jerking you around like that. Now to actually answer your question, the universe is similar to that represented in the game Asteroids. When you fly your ship towards one side, you come out the opposite side. This makes the universe doughnut shaped. How can we be certain the universe is doughnut shaped? Well, for one thing, doughnuts are yummy. Plus, doughnuts are the same shape as bagels, thus the universe’s shape fits with the Zionist conspiracy. Also, the game Asteroids is still addictive after all these years, so that has to mean something.
So think of the big bang as one asteroid being destroyed at the center of the screen and breaking into four pieces that fly outwards. That’s the universe expanding. Eventually the pieces will reach the edges of the screen and the come out the opposite sides, heading back towards the center – a collapsing universe. Sometimes a UFO will appear. If you shoot that, you get extra points. So, the universe will expand until all the galaxies go out one side of the screen and then it will suddenly start contracting.
Still, that leaves the question open to which state are we in now. I believe currently the universe is expanding, because I think I remember some guy telling me that once.
Venomous Kate asks:
Why are you not reading my blog on a religious basis?
Well… uh… the reasons are three fold. Uh… it’s like…
Okay! I admit it! I’m completely illiterate! Somehow I faked my way through high school and college to get a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering by looking at the pretty pictures in the books. I write this entire blog by using voice dictations software. There, now you know. I hope you’re happy. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep (for a one hour power-nap) period
I meant to write the. Mark, not the word. Argh! You stupid software! I’m just yelling at you; stop writing what I am saying. Backspace backspace delete. Ah, Dammit! May you burn in the fiery depths of Hades!
Damn Microsoft! It’s probably going to freeze now and

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later.