Now that Saddam has been turned over to Iraqis, it’s time for a trial. Is there anything cooler than that? A once oppressed people now get to put on trial their former dictator; that’s a meme I hope spreads.
Being the humanitarian I am and much smarter than that bafoonish Eugene Volokh who’s never linked to me (even I’ve linked to me), I’m going to give the Iraqis advice on how to conduct their trial:
* Don’t shoot Saddam before he at least gets in his plea or there may be some cries that the trial is illegitimate.
* Invite people to be character witnesses for Saddam; anyone who speaks up for him should be the next target for trial and execution.
* Whether you let cameras in the courtroom or not should be based on how much you want this to be labeled the “Trial of the Century.” Just a reminder: since we’re less than five years into this century, this trial has a pretty good shot.
* Remember to wear black robes and nicely powdered wigs because it will make anything you do seem official.
* Saddam deserves his own defense attorney for a fair trial; you can always put his lawyer on trial later for helping a murderous dictator.
* Body slamming Saddam into a table doesn’t officially count as cross-examination, but it should leave a lasting impression on the jury. Would a prosecutor body slam an innocent man?
* Though the videotape of him having a kitten tossing contest is somewhat damning, focus mainly on the mass graves.
* It will be funny if you shave off Saddam’s mustache at put on a table labeled as “Exhibit A”.
Well, I’ll laugh.
* If Saddam shouts, “You can’t handle the truth!” be careful continuing; he might not be bluffing.
* If some Amnesty International types say that execution is barbaric, tell them that Iraqis law states that anyone objecting to execution also gets executed. No one knows what Iraqis law is; they’ll fall for it.
* Don’t allow any rhyming in the closing statement; that seems to have an irrational effect on juries.
* Before the jury goes out to deliberate, have the judge remind them that Saddam is a murderous dictator and deserves to die.
* If Saddam isn’t found guilty and sentenced to death, you messed up and need to start over and try again.
Now have a fun trial, Iraqis; you deserve it!
HA HA HA. First!
I wonder if his lawyer will use the “doubles defense”?
“Your honour my client was in Basra at the time. It was one of his many doubles that executed those people in Baghdad.”
On the other hand it would be fun if all his doubles showed up to watch the trial and were all seated in the front row behind him.
But that could lead to trouble. Remember when Homer became a clown and everyone thought he was Krusty?
“Which Saddam is the real one?”
But on a serious note, I am realy hoping for this to be televised, while I know I don’t speak the language, I just want to see the look on Saddam’s face when they decided to execute him by means of rape and brutal beating. Besides, I need something to watch when I am at home all day not at work.
I was listening to the radio yesterday and the guy was saying that saddam (lower case) should be allowed to present his own case. I think that would be great. Let saddam say anything he wants while the judge and jury just sit there listening, and make him think he’s getting somewhere. Then sentance him to death by means of Glenn Reynolds blender. Feet first.
I’ll laugh too.
Make sure the jury is made up of the fathers of girls raped by the hussein boys. Remind them often how their families were dishonored by the act.
I don’t know if Iraqi culture has a “Grim Reaper” type of character to represent death, but if they do, that character should sit in the gallery and check its watch often while staring at hussein.
Have Saddam “beheaded while trying to escape”.
How can he defend himself when his people are in bondage?
The trial is moot,
You must execute.
To quote Judge Roy Bean:
“We’re gonna give you a nice, fair trial…
Before we hang you!”
Does Islamic Law allow Double Jeopardy?
You know…. Like stoning Saddam while he’s on the Scaffold?
Or setting his body on fire while he swings?
Personally, I’d strap him onto a conveyor and feed him naked, feet first into an Incinerator.
But, that’s just me.
Would have saved a lot of time and money if those Sneaky Petes had just had the sense to drop a willy pete grenade into that septic tank. Even an ordinary frag would have done.
Now he’s got fifteen hundred defense lawyers.
Say! If we gave the Judge one of those rotary miniguns that spits out 6,000 rounds per minute and he blasted the defense table it would be a Good Start.
If Saddam is tortured, it will make the Iraqi people no better than him. They have a chance to become a civilized, democratic nation. They shouldn’t become a world joke because of one man.
I’m just kiddin’, throw his camel-sized ass back down the spider hole with a bunch of hungry fire ants and two or three rats. Hell, toss in a monkey for Frank.
Let’s make sure we tell the Iraqi judges to put some panties on Saddams head every time he tries to speak; apparently, this is a fate worse than death to muslim men. Funny, when I was in college it was all the rage…
This is rediculous. You’re hateful words (I guess supposed to be “humor”)? here just show how a symptom of how the Iraq war was WRONG. I am really taken abakc.
I agree with Jack12:
“It will be funny if you shave off Saddam’s mustache at put on a table labeled as “Exhibit A”.”
That line made me laugh, it was a good image.
iraqwarwrong confuses me. As near as I can figure we shouldn’t have overthrown Saddam because now the (alleged) dictator/torturer/mass murderer is being made fun of. Although confused, I don’t think I want iraqwarwrong to provide more examples of what they are thinking.
Sorry for the confusion (sometimes I get worked up), I try clarify. All’s I’m saying is that, The Iraq wra being wrong is not changed by SAddam being a bad man (true). The Iraq was war wrong regardless. Thus mkaing continuining to make fun of Saddam serves no purpose with respect ot the issue of the wrongness of the Iraq war, on the contrary, it merely exaserbates it.
Making fun of Saddam in this way (mean, violent) detracts from the (important) point that the Iraq war was wrong, taht’s all I’m saying. You want to be mean, violent do it to someone else not someone who was kicked out because of a wrong war! Don’t you see how counter-productive that is (e.g. distarcts people from wrongness). Let me know if any question.
Iraqwarwrong – You make me laugh, Saddam murdered folks like you never have imagined. No amount of talking or economic sanctions or UN involvement would have changed that. As a catalyst for getting into Diplomatic relations with the Sudan (search google news), Libya coming clean, the Saudi’s actually going after terrorists and maybe actually ending the sponsorship of terrorists (people that want you dead, they don’t want negotiations), and all the Iraqi’s finally experiencing what YOU take for granted right now, well yah Iraq was wrong.
At least France & Bin Laden will sympathize with you when Bush wins again.
So two Wrongs make a right? ? That’s democracy for you!! I can’t believe what I”m hearing here.
What are you talking about? You not only write ignorant, you are!
Sure when you can’t rebutt my substance you attack my typoes. I didn’t realize this was the Oxford english dictionary around here I just type as I go. To pick on this just shows that you ahve no.
just calling the war wrong is, um, not really substance. it’s a value judgment that really isn’t defensible. Well, I say it’s right! whee! argue with that!
First of all, I think Saddam should use the Chewbacca defense. “That does not make sense.”
Second, I don’t believe there will be a jury, last I heard it was going to be a panel of judges.
Third, I urge the prosecutors to only indict him on 100,000 murders the first time, that way if he gets off they can then bring charges on the next 100,000 and so forth until he is convicted or they run out of victims. From the numbers I’ve heard that should give them enough for at least 4 trials. If he still gets off, invite all of the Kurd family members of those gassed by Saddam to a reunion and coincidentally set Saddam free at the same time and same place (please make sure all 1500 of his lawyers are there).
maggie katzen,
But you’re wrong.
Cordially,
Iraqwarwron; Are you a complete f***ing idiot or were you just dropped on yur head when you were younger? What arguments do you have to put forth saying that the war in Iraq was in fact morally wrong? Or are you just full of complete shit? I’m being quite serious here; what causes you to think that the removal of one of the worst dictators in recent history and the liberation of an entire people is wrong? I mean honestly are you just lying or are you a complete f***ing dunce? And please don’t harp on the catch phrase of it being “an illegal war”: it wasn’t.
P.S. I’m not entirely sure that you can really call the insulting of a man who caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands and waged a genocidal war on his own people for years “mean”. “Mean” is when you beat up a kid smaller than you or make fun of a retarded person. As for violent, come to my house up here in Alberta and I’ll f***ing show you violent, you ignorant little dick.
King Steve (swear word user),
You seem to be suffering from under misapprehnension. I didn’t say “morally wrong” (I am not some kind of theocrat) just Wronjg. I don’t know where you get this morally wrong stuff what do I look like Ashcroft.
p.s. not to pollute frank’s comments too much King Steve– if you’re really sincere (not just swear word) to hear my arguments for wrong you can check my own site.
So then; please enlighten us as to how the war in Iraq is wrong. What causes you to spout such statements without any real arguments to defend them or even anything that questions the ideas put forth by your opponents? If you have the gospel word on the war in Iraq then please convert me. And do not say that I am just some simple right-wing yokel who would find it impossible to understand you. I did visit your site and found it near impossible to read; you are typoing for a blog site and if you want to change peoples ways of thinking or incite more readers you should perhaps create legible posts. I also found absolutely no facts backing up your arguments and the few metaphors you had(such as that of the burrito) incomprehensible and completely unfounded on reality. I repeat my previous statements; ” are you a complete f***ing dunce?”
iraqwarwrong,
oh my god! you’re right, what was I thinking? It’s just Wronjg! whoo, I thought we were talking about the opposite o’ correct, what a relief. Honey, just repeating that something is wrong isn’t an argument, it’s an ass kicking for those of us that are waiting for some semblence of a point from you. well, okay, I wasn’t really waiting, I knew better. Maybe you should, okay not maybe, you need to learn some debating skills, at least provide some facts. Let me help you get started. The was is wrong, why? can you answer this question, we might start getting somewhere then. (and just because isn’t an answer, unless you’re 3 years old)
iraqwarwrong,
Let’s see if we can work through this, shall we? We’ll go into the wonderful world of make-belive, and hope that you can pick up on the symbolism.
You live in a country named Istaq with a bunch of other people, drilling for oil and selling it to other countries to keep your ood on your nations table. All is good in the world untill, one day, a man takes over your country by killing a half-dozen other political leaders who stood in his way. Now, that isn’t so bad, it’s been done before.
However, this fellow, who we’ll call Baddman, is extremely paranoid about his own safety and forms a secret service to protect him by killing anyone who could possibly pose a threat to him, real or imagined.
At first, you really don’t care because he hasn’t done anything to you or your loved ones. Yet. Well, one day Baddman gets pissed of for some reason and decides to kill a bunch of your fellow citizens to make himself feel better. He does so with mustard gas (a biological weapon), guns, and whatever else suits his fancy. And no one can stop him.
Your brother, in a fit of rage, says that he wishes that Baddman was dead. Unknown to him, your next-door neighbor of twenty years is one of Baddman’s spies. His police come to pick up your brother, his wife, his kids, you, your wife and kids, your parents, and anyone else they think could be in on “a plot to kill Baddman.”
In jail, the daughters and wives are raped and beaten, the sons and fathers are tortured for information that you don’t have, and then your brother is finally beheaded. You are then condemned to a life in prison without a trial. You are one of the lucky ones.
Years pass. After the months of ill treatment, and poor food, most of your family is dead. Don’t worry, you have plenty of company. Baddman is still very paranoid.
At last you hear some good news. There is a country named “America” (note the symbolism) that wants to help you and your people by getting rid of your evil dictator and helping to set up a new government. Then the bad news comes. This country is trying to get the help of other countries, but only a couple want to help. Even worse. Some of America’s own people don’t want them to help. They say it “wouldn’t be right”, and “it’s only for the oil”.
Understandably, you’re pissed. Who the heck are these stuck-up freaks who dare to pass judgement on whether or not your country should be free? If you were to say just one of the thing to Baddman that they say to their leader, you would find yourself hanging upside down over a wood chipper.
Finally, America is able to come to your aid. Baddman is routed and captured, and you are set free. Once out, you are shocked to see the sad state of your country. Baddman has made himself rich and powerful at the expense of Istaq’s economy and people. Jobs are few and far between, the homeless litter the streets, there is little water, and most of the people you once knew are dead.
America sets to work helping you and your fellow countrymen rebuild your homeland. Within a few months, the economy has gone higher than it ever was with Baddman in power. People have work again and many cities now have running water. The vast majority of your fellow countrymen are overjoyed that America came to your aid, with only a few trying to fight them. Then you pick up a newspaper. You’re shocked to find that some countries are still condemning America for helping you. Even those leftist communist pigs haven’t shut-up yet. Who are these sorry SOB’s, anyway?
Who has the right to say if the war was right, you or them?
Sorry about the length guys, I’m just pissed.
Just so you know iraqwarwrong, I’m in AFROTC and I pray to God that I’ll get the chance to serve my country and help other in the way that the soldiers in Iraq did.
Can’t we dress him in a clown suit and periodically, without warning, beat him with inflated pigs bladders?
King Steve (still swear word): Burrito was just a metaphor. Don’t take it to litarally. Depending, on your culture, you may want to substitute something else (gyros, wraps, egg rolls, gyoza, hoagie). That may help to clarify. I do apologize as it was not my intention to be culturally-insensitive to you or others.
maggie katzen: wrong IS the opposite of correct! YOu didn’t know that? Now I see why we had such hard time communicating before.
Trucido: I admit I didn’t ahve time to read your story. Not to get into great detail here, all’s I’m trying to say is the Iraq was war wrong. Your story is edifying but I don’t see how it changes the fact that .
iraqwarwrong,
All we’re looking for is for you to give us a real reason for why the war is wrong. If you can’t do that, please don’t waste our time by replying.
Another suggestion for the trial:
Before the jury goes out to deliberate, have the judge remind them that voting to acquit is helping Saddam and that everyone who helps Saddam will be tried and executed
Oh my god; I’m serious about this. Do you not know how to read or something? Why is the war wrong?!?!? I’m not so much offended by your burrito metaphor as I am completely and utterly puzzled at your idiocy. You have no arguyments in your defense either on your website or in this post. Simply splutter and lurch into anti-Bush rants using half-witted remarks and moronic buzzwords of the great flock of country club commies. You do not in fact seem to know anything about anything. Why do I have this distinct feeling that your daddy pays to keep your website up?
P.S. Hell yes Trucido. “KILL THE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!”
King Steve,
I think he’s hiding.
P.S. Thanks – will do.
It will be funny if you shave off Saddam’s mustache at put on a table labeled as “Exhibit A”.
Well, I’ll laugh.
I’ll laugh too.
But you would need George Bush’s Trophy Saddam Mustache too from here http://www.imao.us/archives/000499.html
King Steve,
Sorry, I see the problem, what you missed is that the conversation carried over to this thread (http://www.imao.us/cgi-bin/mt-comments.cgi?entry_id=1640) you can find my Reasons you asked, there. Best,