In My World: A Giant Trailer of Distorted Memories

“Oh dear, it looks like a giant trailer park,” Laura remarked.
“Keep it to yourself,” Bush told her, “I’m trying to use this as a way to be a uniter, not a divider. Where are Jenna and Barbara?”
“There’s no way I’m bringing them near that awful man,” Laura answered, “This whole thing is just a way for Bill Clinton to rewrite history.”
“Yeah, I know,” Bush exclaimed, “I can’t wait to make mine!”
Bush then spotted George H. W. Bush. “Hey, pops!”
“Hi, son; how are you doing?”
“Great. Hey, I just realized: instead of people calling you ‘Bush the elder’ to distinguish you from me, they can call you ‘Bush the one-termer’.”
H. W. was silent for a moment. “That’s great, son.”
Thunder and lightning ripped apart the air, it began raining, and the wind chilled. They all then turned around to see the horrible visage of Senator Hillary Clinton. “Hello, everyone,” she smiled, as if planning to eat her prey.
“Evil harpy!” Bush exclaimed and pointed at her.
“Stay away from us, evil woman,” Laura told her, “We know you care nothing but for power.”
“That’s silly,” Hillary laughed, her evil cackle chilling them to the bone, “I haven’t even decided on whether to run for President in 2008.”
“I don’t think there’s one person in America dumb enough to believe that,” Laura said.
“Even the Nader voters,” Bush added.
Bill Clinton then walked up to the group. “Hey, everybody, glad to see you’re all here. By the way, where’s Jenna and Barbara.”
“Laura didn’t want them anywhere near you,” Bush answered.
Bill laughed and slapped Bush on the back. “Understandable.” He then looked to H. W. “Hey, it’s Bush the one-termer! Remember when I beat you in the 1992 election?”
“Perot had a bit to do with that,” H. W. answered.
“Yeah, that Perot was a funny guy,” Bill laughed, “Whatever happened to him?”
“You better not make a fool of yourself and harm my chanced in ’08!” Hillary threatened Bill, “I know where you sleep!”
“No you don’t,” he answered, and then looked to Bush. “So are you going to give a speech about me?”
“Uh… yeah,” Bush answered as he took out some index cards.
“Make sure it’s all about me,” Bill told him as he led Bush to the podium.
“Hey, everybody, I’m the current U.S. President… newly reelected,” Bush announced, “but today we’re here to honor Bill Clinton, the lucky bastard who happened to preside over relative peace and prosperity. You should have seen the crap I inherited from him. Anyway, he got reelected too, which I guess is significant.” Bush chuckled. “He never got a majority of the vote like I did, though.”
“I got over 50% of the vote,” someone called out.
“That’s great, dad,” Bush answered, “Anyway, in the end, Clinton was a complete scumbag… but an affable scumbag.” Bush looked hard at his index card. “Or is that supposed to be ‘laughable.’ Anyway, what he’ll always be gratefully remembered for is causing the Republican majority in Congress that lasts to this day.”
“Great speech!” Bill said smiling as he took the podium. “Was I the only guy in America who liked both Bush and Kerry?”
“YES!” answered the crowd.
Bill chuckled. “All right then…”

The Masses Deserve to Be Educated!

I noticed that on Wikipedia there aren’t many blogs listed. Someone should write a page about me.
To be helpful, I updated the Instapundit and Glenn Reynolds entries to add missing facts.
UPDATE: Here is the discussion for deletion of the article that some readers wrote. Is IMAO significant enough to be on Wikipedia, or is it less than Dictyoglomus thermophilum? Stay tuned…
UPDATE 2: They removed references to puppy blender from the Instapundit and Glenn Reynolds entries! What use is an internet encyclopedia if it can’t even answer a simple question like “Why do people call Glenn Reynolds the ‘puppy blender’?”

Our Military: Letters to Michael Moore


Michael Moore asked for letter from veterans, and some responded and were nice enough to forward me their letters.

Dear Mr. Moore,
I had the opportunity and the HONOR – yes the immense HONOR – to serve with the First Marine Expeditionary Force in the opening of the War in Iraq last year as a member of Weapons Platoon, Charlie Company, 4th LAR Batallion. I can think of nothing more worthwhile that I have done in my life, other than getting married to my beautiful wife, than serving the American and Iraqi people in the cause of freedom. The Iraqi people were happy to see us, yes – happy. There lives have been improved a thousand times in the time since Sadaam has been removed from power. In the broken English that most Iraqis speak, they spoke the words of a grateful nation to us as liberators. I continue to serve in the Marine Reserve while finishing college at Brigham Young University.
I just wanted to know that of all the Marines I have served with, only one had anything nice to say about you or Mr. Kerry and that the United States Marines, from my experience, overwhelmingly support President Bush. Rest assured, however, that they loathe you, Mr. Kerry, and your disgusting Anti-Americanism.
You are a disgusting, dirty, lying, corpulent liberal, and you look as though you have not seen a shower or bar of soap in years. The American people have spoken for four more years of tax cuts and dead terrorists rather than turning back to the ignorance of the nineties. Thank God (Yes, I am a member of the religious right that believes in God) that the American people have chosen against the inept Mr. Kerry and ignored the lies of your wretched ant-America propaganda film. I noticed while watching the Osama video released before the election that he endorsed the same candidate you did. How interesting. Enjoy the next 4 years, Mr. Moore.
Semper Fidelis and God Bless the USA!!!
Corporal Grant Michael Jensen,
United States Marine Corps Reserve

Dear Sir:
I proudly served our country from October 1986 through November 1990 and did my small part in helping win the Cold War at Misawa AB Japan. As I was in the intelligence business I cannot say what I did, but when I say that I did my small part it was just that; just as much as anyone else. While in the military, everyone with whom I served believed as strongly as I did about the rightness of what we were doing which was finally ridding the world of totalitarianism under our leaders, Presidents Reagan and Bush.
I do not belong to any political party and normally vote third party. However, this time I voted to re-elect President Bush solely on his foreign policy against the barbarians trying to erase Western civilization. With no intended slight, I believe your passionate work is completely wrong-minded and is creating Republicans faster than anything else in existence. If you tempered your enthusiasm with better manners and truthfulness you would be taken more seriously and would better your cause. Despite my revulsion over some of your work, I wish you nothing but the best. And if you run into Maureen Dowd, please inform her that writing while riding her menstrual cycle like Evil Kneival makes the left look even worse than you have managed to do. Good luck and may God bless you.
Howard E. Halvorsen
Chester, VA
p.s. I do not mind my name being used, but knowing dozens of fanatical liberals as friends and their attitudes, I would appreciate it if my email were not given out to prevent countless amounts of hate mail. Divisiveness, I have discovered, is disagreeing with a liberal regardless of how much tact is used.

Mr. Moore,
I heard you wanted to hear from Veterans. Well that’s terrific, because I’m one, and I’ve always thought you should hear from me.
Here’s the deal. I don’t understand how people on the left don’t understand why we veterans don’t trust you. What is hard here?
Everytime our military takes action in some place you roll out the banners and take to the streets saying how the US shouldn’t be doing that.
Well, this time you decided that your head hurt from getting hit everytime you opposed our troops, so you decided to put stickers all over your Yugo’s exclaiming that “I Support Our Troops.” There’s two things wrong with that: 1) support the troops by supporting the mission, and 2) since when did you consider them “Our” troops? Isn’t that the whole point of the “Not in our name” garbage?
Its like you want to be thought of as really liking the troops but despising what they do (hey didn’t Clinton say that?). The purpose of the military (as someone far smarter than I put it) is to kill people and break things. That’s what they do. And thank God that our military can kill people and break things far better than anyone else’s. That means we don’t have to take crap from people like Bin Laden.
But, I’m really amazed that a person who is obviously bright enough to be very successful at whatever you do could be such a conspiracy nut. I mean really. On one hand, I’m supposed to believe that George W. Bush is dumber than a stump, and on the other I’m supposed to believe he’s capable of all these grandiose schemes and connivings. It just doesn’t make sense.
And if we put aside that involvement of George W. Bush, and just say he’s a pawn in some larger secretive world of power brokers with hidden agendas… Well, who’s THAT smart? We can’t even get a decent sugar substititute. And we’ve got billions of people that would pay lots of money for that! (Wouldn’t you? … OH DAMN! I promised myself I wouldn’t bring up your corpulence… sorry.)
If there were some conspiracy out there, and they were this smart, do you think they’d let you run amok with your insane-sounding ramblings, just on the off chance that some disaffected Socialist would believe it?
Turns out that you’re actually better than that, and you even got some otherwise normal people to believe it. I know better than to think YOU actually believe it. But hey, it pays the bills pretty good, don’t it?
Anyway, you wanted to hear from a Veteran, and so now you have.
Sincerely,
Derek Viljoen
SGT (E-5) Ret., US Army
http://undercoverhippie.blogspot.com

Michael,
My story is important to me and I hold it and the memory of my buddies as a sacred thing of infinite value. I hold it with the feeling that if I let it out in the wrong place at the wrong time or to the wrong person it will be tarnished or diminished in some way. What we went through probably like any group of warriors in any combat ever can not be communicated. The bond formed with someone even in a single night under fire is completely foreign to our everyday lives. It is odd that I am writing you about this as you are, in my opinion, an icon of the unknowing person in our society. You have the ability( great talent even) to make fun and entertaining movies yet you apparently have no idea what we who have fought know. In this world its all about survival. Many layers up from survival is what we commonly live in this country but the foundation is survival. If you knew the things I/we know then you would walk this earth humbly and with thanks in your heart for those that have given you a safe place to walk and for those that put food in your kitchen. You have no way of understanding what it is like to defend your country when asked, whether the cause is just or not, or what we owe those guys that are not here to respond for themselves. So it is doubtful you will understand when I say you are not worthy and those that seek comfort in your understanding, by spilling their treasure( real or imagined) are either gullible, weak, or stupid. A defining characteristic of your ilk is loving that little spark that gives a titillating response ala The Dixie Chicks. They got their little thrill for a minute or two uncaring what effect it had on their myriad fans in uniform. Do yourself a favor. Go into the wilderness for a time alone and on foot. Learn what it is that is at the very foundation of our society. Once you learn that your life on this country depends on many many people staring death and/or failure in the face on a daily basis I think you will be changed and maybe even worthy. Until then I will hold my story and those of the heroes I have known with a resolution you can’t begin to imagine.
Bill Kelley
ex 5th Group Special Forces
resident/patient of Madigan Army Hospital ALL of 1969
currently a farmer

Could He Be the Next Limey?

Walter Schneider has written back to say he will write back:

I was going to email you back anyway…
I’m glad to see that you posted my email, but I’m not sure I care what the conservative community thinks of me, sooooo…….
by the way, don’t you think it’s a little tactless to be posting private email sent between TWO indivduals without the concent of the other. it wasn’t your writing it was mine. it’s nice that you at least covered your ass by noting where it came from… even if you didn’t use quotes.
I’ll be responding to your reply within the day… and I’m not only expecting you to post my response but I’m giving you my permission to post the on coming letter.
Speek to you soon.
Walter

Heh. He’s worried I would have stole his genius and credited it to myself.
Anyway, when he gets to sending his response, prepare to be enlightened… perhaps enough to change your life forever!

Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 19, 2004

  • As you all probably know, Bill Clinton opened his presidential library yesterday. Before you make any jokes, no, it’s not just porn.
    There are also some saxophones.
  • The building is supposed to represent Clinton’s bridge to the 21st century, but it looks like a giant trailer from a trailer park. Expect the whole thing to be knocked over come next Halloween.
  • Hear about the Vibe awards? Put a bunch of violent rappers in one room and there’s a stabbing! I’m shocked – shocked, I tell you!
    I say some stabbing might liven up the Oscars, but I won’t try and tell Chris Rock what’s funny.
  • U.S. forces have captured Al-Zarqawi’s headquarters, a place which has funding almost as shady as the Clinton Library. Having confiscated all his equipment, I hear Zarqawi is now left to planning terror on an Etch-a-Sketch.
    “The CIA is coming! Shake! Shake like you never have before, Omar!”
  • An Iraqi militant group warned Muslims to skip the country’s coming elections, and said anyone who runs for office would be branded an infidel and “punished in the name of God.” Wow, rhetoric on elections there is almost getting as bad as it is here. Expect Moveon.org to come in and make the militant group look moderate.
  • A reporter has been convicted of contempt for not revealing his source. Back in high school, all I’d lose is a letter grade if I tried to pull the same stunt on a report.
  • Condoleezza Rice is to have uterine fibroid surgery – just to rub her health insurance in all the faces of the uninsured!
    REPUBLICANS!!!!
  • Bill Gates is the world’s most spammed person, and there’s a whole division dedicated to making sure he only get wanted e-mails. Problem is he’s too shy to tell them he really does want a larger penis.
  • Scientists say that running is a key human characteristic. Are they trying to say that Michael Moore is incapable of being human?
  • U.S. is once again considering giving the Palestinians aid. If you have a strap on bomb you’re not using and would like to donate, contact the State Department.
  • The cause of Arafat’s death may soon be revealed. I’m guessing motorcycle stunt gone bad.
  • ABC is moving Alias to Wednesday. If you’re a Tivo, please take note.
  • That’s the news people. A new adventure of the Hate-Filled Liberal is to come later today.
    Be honorable, ronin.

Support Your Local Blogger

New advertisers!
One is Xtreme Right Wing which is a blog with cool merchandise.
Another is for the film “Michael Moore Hates America” which I’ve mentioned before. It’s supposed to be an excellent film about how documentaries can be used to manipulate viewers and also about how great the county of America is. Ebert and Roeper gave it two thumbs up (and you know liberal Ebert is – he gave Fahrenheit 911 three and a half stars out of four). I pre-ordered my copy and you should do the same (I’ll put up a review after I see it).
BTW, found this neat factoid from Ebert’s site:

Q. In your Ebert & Roeper review of Michael Wilson’s “Michael Moore Hates America,” you blurted out an erroneous opinion, expressing your doubts about the film’s claim that the Canadian crime rate is double the U.S. rate.
I checked with www.statcan.ca, listed as “the official source for Canadian social and economic statistics and products,” and with the U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics. The bottom line: These sites agree with Wilson’s assertion that crime in Canada is much worse than in the USA.
James Elias, Highland Ranch, Colo.
A. Astonishing. For the year 2003, per 100,000 population, Canada had 8,530 crimes, and the U.S. 4,267. For crimes of violence, 958 vs. 523. For property crimes, 4,275 vs. 3,744. Michael Wilson, director of the film, tells me: “There was originally a comedic segment in the film that attributed this to the proliferation of Tim Horton’s doughnut franchises, but I could not make it work.”

Remember to check out all IMAO advertisers; it shows great character.

Happy Dance FAQ

The Happy Dance Committee has submitted this FAQ on the status of the happy dance:
HAPPY DANCE FAQ
Q. Will there be a happy dance?
A. Yes. A happy dance was promised, and thus a happy dance will be coming.
Q. When will there be the happy dance?
A. No official date has ever been discussed. The official stance on when the happy dance is coming is “soon.”
Q. Is there any limit until how long we might have to wait for the happy dance?
A. To fulfill the promise, the happy dance must be filmed before Frank J. dies.
Q. If Frank J. dies before doing the happy dance, will he have to answer to God for his broken promise?
A. Yes. He’ll have to answer for that and his Tobit posts.
Q. I thought the Tobit posts were funny.
A. Then please pray to God to that effect on behalf of Frank J.’s immortal soul.