What were the other five Commandments?

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With the Mohammed Cartoons backlash crap still flowing around, thanks to various ill-tempered imams viciously stirring up their illiterate and ignorant angry followers in a plethora of the globe’s finest armpits, I got to thinking about the rather humorous mockery of an actual prophet… by one of his semi-devout and more-than-famous followers, no less!
From History of the World – Part I, I bring you the comedy stylings of Mel Brooks:

MOSES: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen…


*CRASH*

MOSES: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

My question is a simple one:: What were the other five Commandments?

27 Comments

    1. Call your mother.
    2. Thou shalt never visit thy neighbor or relative without bringing a gift.
    3. Thou shalt not pay retail.
    4. When I say “Thou shalt not seethe a calf in its mother’s milk,” that’s really all I mean. Don’t interpret it too broadly.
    5. Do I even have to mention mayonaise and pastrami?
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt not get caught. (h/t RAH)
    2. Thou shalt not hit a girl unless she hits you first. Then, whatever.
    3. Thou shalt not pull Adolf Hitler out of the lake, even though he can’t swim.
    4. Thou shalt trust me on that one.
    5. Thou shalt not make me come down here again, or you’re grounded, Mister.
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt not tear a child from the womb.
    2. Thou shalt not be mistaken at the top of thou lungs
    3. Thou shalt not be a whiney loser.
    4. Thou shalt not partake of decaf; it defeats the point.
    5. Thou shalt not have no idea.
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt shoot at hippies and make them holey.
    2. 3 is the number to which thou shalt count.
    3. A Bingo shall be only 5 in a row, four corners thou shalt not tolerate (Catholics only)
    4. Those who live in Indiana shall be known as Hoosiers, though no one shalt know why.
    5. Thou shalt not expect the Spanish inquistion.
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt not let thine babies grow up to be (gay) cowboys.
    2. Thou shalt not b*tch in a ditch.
    3. Thou shalt not suffer a troll to live.
    4. Thou shalt honor the ruler of the blogodocecahedron.
    5. Thou shalt NOT honor the party of the jackass, for it is an abomination.
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt NOT sell control of Major seaports to the UAE against all common sense.
    2. Thou shalt Suffer no Al Franken to live/
    3. Thou shalt NOT create sites like DU or Kos.
    4. Thou shalt shower off the smell of stale bong water and cheetos.
    5. Thou shalt not use the honorable, selfless death of your child for your dishonorable 15 minutes of fame and a book deal.
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt bathe at least once a week so you do not smell like hippies or Muslims.
    2. Thou shalt trust but verify
    3. Thou shalt walk softly and carry a big stick.
    4. If thou can’t be with the one you love then love the one your with.
    5. Thou shall be wary of false religions that like to blow people up.
    Reply to this comment
    1. Buy low.
    2. Sell high.
    3. Never play cards with a man named “Doc”.
    4. Never eat at a place called “Mom’s” unless the only other place in town to eat is called “Food”.
    5. Never hit seventeen when you play against the dealer.
      (Credit to Nelson Algren for #13 and #14, and to Ian Tyson for #15)
    Reply to this comment

  14. #11 Thou shalt rise up against the Palistines and smite them
    #12 Thou shalt rise up all fanatical muslims and smite them
    #13 Thou shalt rise up against all liberals and use a jaw bone to beat the feces out of them
    #14 Thou shalt rise up against ALL who treaten to take your weapons
    #15 Thou shalt ignore all who disagree with the other 14 commandments

    Reply to this comment
    1. Starve a cold, feed a fever
      12 It’s okay to eat chicken with your fingers.
      13 Forget that “five second rule” about food falling on the floor. That’s just nasty.
      14 Quit making that face or it’ll stick that way.
      15 Does it hurt? Shouldn’ta done that then, should ya?
    Reply to this comment

  17. …in a plethora of the globe’s finest armpits…

    I almost spewed coffee on that one! That’s just good writing.
    11. Thou shalt take this thy holy nukular bomb
    12. Thou shalt send it aloft with this thy holy ballistic missile
    13. Thou shalt send it to the orbit of the Moon (To Mars or Venus thou shalt not send it, unless it procede from there to the Moon)
    14. Where upon thou shalt blow it to tiny bits, in thy mercy
    15. More cowbell

    Reply to this comment
    1. No Poofters!
    2. No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all — if there’s anybody watching.
    3. No Poofters!!
    4. I don’t want to catch anybody not drinking.
    5. No Poofters!
      h/t Monty Python.
    Reply to this comment

  21. you’re all wrong
    11. Happy Wife, Happy Life.
    12. Thou Shalt Ignore All Laws And Commandments Against Murder When Dealing With Liberals And Communists.
    13. All Must Obey Chuck Norris Second Only To Me.
    14. Tough Guys Shall Wear Pink.
    15. Thou Shalt Never Break These Commandments.

    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt not kill people and say you did it for me!
    2. Thou shalt not encourage people to kill themslves and promise them heavenly rewards for it!
    3. Thou shaly not kill cartoonists! (Although if you punch Ted Rall in the face I might look the other way.)
    4. Thou shalt not put bogus statistics in thy documentaries!
    5. Thou shalt not get elected as a Republican and still spend money like a drunken Democrat!
    Reply to this comment
    1. Thou shalt not believe a false prophet who proclaims himself the ‘last’ prophet.
    2. If My commandments to destroy all Canaanites are followed to the letter, thou shalt be better off for it WAY down the road.
    3. Thou shalt destroy nuclear capabilities in any country that hates my chosen people, by whatever means necessary, as many times as necessary. Don’t worry, we have plenty of room up here for a few more folks.
    4. Thou shalt not tolerate religions which mistreat my precious daughters in My name.
    5. Thou shalt not tolerate a religion which refuses to tolerate anyone else’s means of worshipping me.
    Reply to this comment

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