See GOP and College’s latest caption contest.
Archive of entries posted on 1st February 2006
coming soon to a theater near you . . .
Poor Cindy Gets Brutalized :(
Poor Cindy Sheehan.
She stepped out to see the State of the Union address and enjoy a relaxing evening of non-stop picture- taking but ended up posing for even more mug shots.
Michael Moore’s website has the latest letter from her explaining her side of the story.
Here’s my favorite quote – where she explains the horrible treatment she received at the hands of security:
He then ran over to me, hauled me out of my seat and roughly (with my hands behind my back) shoved me up the stairs.
The nerve! The brutality!
Here’s the photographic proof!!
Just look at those hands, held roughly — behind — her – hmmmm.
Hey – that’s HER arm. And it’s not being held roughly behind her!!!
There can only be one explanation!!
Hamas: The First 100 Days
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they’ve outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:
- Fire guns into the air while shouting “ULULULULULULU!”
- Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!
- Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.
- Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.
- Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can’t be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.
- Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered “books”.
- Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.
- Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.
- Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.
- Which will then become known as “Paristine”.
- Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country’s name correctly.
- Adopt new national motto of “Palestine – all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil.”
- Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)…
Fun Trivia
During Cindy Sheehan’s couple hour stay in prison last night, how many prisoners hanged themselves?
Outraged by AOL? We AM!!
World Net Daily is reporting that AOL’s new phrase “I AM Instant Messaging” seems to offend Christian sensibilities. (hat tip: Outside the Beltway).
Can you imagine opening your AOL account and seeing the marketing phrase “I AM”? For one, it means you’re an idiot because you’re using AOL — but let’s focus on the other victim in this fiasco.
Here for you is an IMAO exclusive reader who is outraged by the latest blasphemy from AOL.
In My World: New Justice, New Speech
“Alito is a menace to our country,” Kerry said to the Senate, “He will…”
“Can we vote for cloture now?” a random Senator shouted out.
“Sure, let’s end this crap,” Dick Cheney answered, “Let’s vote.”
“Gerwarger… Aliotioto!” Kennedy objected.
The vote went ahead anyway, and Cheney counted the votes. “We have 114 votes for cloture and 3 votes against.” Cheney paused for a moment. “That doesn’t seem right, but, whatever. Debate has now eneded!”
Guards came in, gagged Kerry, and dragged them away. Kennedy was fed whiskey until he passed out.
“Now we’ll vote on confirming Alito,” Cheney said. “Hell… we know how that vote is going. Let’s just go ahead and say he’s confirmed. Any objections?”
Reid began to speak, but then Cheney pulled out a gun and shot him in the kneecaps.
“No objections,” Cheney stated.
Alito ran up to where the nine justice were seated, grabbed Sandra Day O’Connor, and tossed her out of her seat. He then pumped his arms in the air and yelled, “I’m now a Supreme Court Justice, and you call can suck it and suck it hard! Woooo!”
“It’s a good day,” Bush said as he sat in his office. “Now I just need to knock ’em dead with my State of the Union Address. Hey, Alito, everytime I announce a new wacky scheme, I need you to stand up and shout, ‘That’s perfectly Constitutional!'”
“No problem,” Alito answered. “Hey, I don’t like some of the other Justices and am thinking of having them whacked. Is that okay?”
Bush shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t got no say over the Judicial Branch; do what you want. Now, let’s get speakerin’!”
Bush stood in the Capitol prepared to speak, but up in the rafters a woman shouted, “Bush lied! People died!”
Bush squinted to see who it was. “Cindy Sheehan? Who the hell let her in here?”
“How many more people must die before I get more media coverage!” Cindy yelled.
“I’m sorry about your son, but shut the hell up!” Bush shouted back.
“I’m not sorry! He was a baby killer who fought the freedom fighters in Iraq in only want to blow up children in peace!”
Bush shook his head. He then turned to some guards all in black. “Gestapo, take her outside and shoot her.”
“That’s perfectly Constitutional!” Alito said.
The guards quickly made their way to Cindy Sheehan, grabbed her, and dragged her outside. Soon, the sound of a gunshot was heard. Bush sighed in relief. “Well, that’s that. Now on to my speech.
“You may have noticed my guest sitting next to the First Lady. They are a bomb sniffing dog from Afghanistan who here in honor of his service, Chuck Norris because he’s cool, and a live grizzly bear… though I forgot why he’s here.” Bush looked to Laura. “Stop fidgeting or he may kill you… No, not the bear; it’s tranqued. I’m talking about Chuck Norris.”
Bush cleared his throat and looked back to the teleprompter. “America is a strong country, and we’ve made great progress. Unfortunately, my measure to save Social Security was blocked…”
The Democrats all stood and cheered. “Screw America!” one exclaimed.
“You’re not supposed to cheer at that, dinguses!” Bush yelled at them.
Suddenly, the bomb sniffing dog ran over and tackled Senator Schumer. All the others quited in fear.
“Good dog,” Bush said. “Anyway, I have other plans, and this whole Alito confirmation has proved that the Democrats are too impotent to stop me.”
“Yay me!” Alito stood up and cheered.
“One thing is alternative fuels.” Bush stopped and checked the teleprompter again. “This sounds boring,” Bush grumbled. “There are many ways we can power our vehicles,” Bush continued, speaking up, “such as with corn, grass…” Bush’s eyes started to close. “…wood chips…”
“Bush’s falling asleep during his own speech has caused some controversy,” the anchorman said. “Conservatives have said it just shows how relaxed Bush is with his policies that he can actually go to sleep when talking about them. Liberals say that his falling asleep proved this is all about oil and that we must get out of Iraq now. When asked to elaborate, they just kept repeating themselves. When asked for comment, Bush said he thought he was just talking to Congress, and, if he catches us spying on him again, he’ll murder us all.
“After the break, remember to stay tuned for our special feature: Who will Iran nuke first?”
I am NOT buying French!
It looks like a (struggling) French newspaper owned by Egyptian tycoon Rami Lakah has reprinted the notirious “Mohammed Cartoons” that have gotten the Islamic World rattling their sabres at Norway and Denmark.
Hey, what’s France got to lose? It’s not like there’s any cars left to burn, right?
So let it be written, so let the lies be done
Well, the Egyptian government (ie Pharaoh Hosni Mubarak the First and a few hundred femily members and close friends of the family) are telling Hamas that they must recognize Israel and honor all past treaties.
Meanwhile, when I last checked, Egypt does not currently have an ambassador or a fully-staffed diplomatic mission in place in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem as required under the 1978 treay with Israel. They recalled them for some reason or another back in 2000.
So let me get this straight…
- Egypt demands that Hamas recognizes Israel, but refuses to acknowledge recognition of Israel with a diplomatic mission.
- Egypt demands that Hamas respect and honor all past treaties with Israel, but by failing to staff a diploatic mission Egypt is violating their own 1978 treaty with Israel.
Wow. That’s some mighty impressive hypocrisy there from a dictatorial dynasty. Are we sure that Hosni Mubarak isn’t somehow related to the Kennedy family?
The saddest part is that despite Egypt’s violating the 1978 treaty, the United States still send Egypt $2 billion a year.
So, for those of you who are good at math, how many homes could that money build for Katrina evacuees to get New Orleans churning chocolate again? If not for the principle of the matter, you’d think that sheer greed would motivate the grassroots (and bad seeds) to demand that flow of money stop and flow into education or health care for illegal aliens or the National Endowment of the Arts… whatever budgetary toilet that has an open stall at the time.
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
February 2nd is tomorrow. That means if you want in on Carnival of Comedy #40, which Taleena at Sun Comprehending Glass will be hosting, you’d better send in your entry before midnight!
Carnival Schedule:
February 9th – #41: OPEN! Some unsuspecting schmuck – It could be you!
February 16th – #42: Sherlock at Bakerstreet (First to be volunteered by a spouse)
February 23rd #43: OPEN!
Want to host? Email me at with “Host Carnival Of Comedy” as the subject.
Want to enter? Go here, or here or we’ll have 6 more weeks of Nukular winter.
Nutjob Acts Nutty; Stay Tuned for Our Story About a Dog Biting a Man
Cindy Sheehan, leftwing nut possibly made nuttier by her son’s death and the following media attention, at least had the decency last night to get herself arrested before the State of the Union Address instead of during it. But, what about the Congresschick that invited her? She had to know something like this would happen. Since the moonbats claim Bush can do this, Bush should have Rep. Lynn Woolsey arrested without any charges and disappeared. If questioned on it, he can just say, “You can get the details from Woolsey herself… if she’s ever heard from again! Muh ha ha ha!”
Now that’s showing some Presidential backbone.