Mythbusters Does Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie)
Discovery Channel has a show called “Mythbusters” wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck’s fuses, can it go off and shoot you?
Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?
First, test puppy A:
ugly dog.jpg
Wow! That’s one ugly puppy!
After thorough blending:
blended puppy.jpg
The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J:
tired frank.jpg
Hmmm… doesn’t look too energetic…
Next, test puppy B:
cute puppy.jpg
Blend! Blend! Blend:
blended puppy.jpg
What does F.J. think about this one?
perky frank.jpg
And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: “the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink
Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.

South Dakota Abortion Ban

Well, it looks like South Dakota is about to put the brakes on abortions. This means any of y’all planning on the “Get scraped and head to Mouth Rushmore for the weekend” package deal might want to adjust your itinerary.
May I suggest “Pick up some RU-486 and camp out in Yellowstone” as an alternative? There’s nothing like the soothing regularity of watching Old Faithful go off while you wait for your uterus to recover from the aspiration procedure.
Just make sure you don’t fall for the “Explore Big Bend and then let a Mexican in a trailer wirehanger your fetus” offer going around. There are some issues with regards to the cleanliness of the instruments as well as difficulty in crossing back and forth over the border.
Remember… if you’re going to kill your baby with an unnatural medical procedure, might as well make up for it while backpacking in the great outdoors and cherishing the natural legacy of this country.

Fun Trivia

If the UAE takes over the ports, how much WMDs will they allow terrorists to smuggle in?

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The Answers

Dr. Duck has answers from Wednesday’s questions. Obviously these are questions that burn your soul.
What would you guys do without me: except lead productive lives.
Here are the questions and answers.
**
Dr Duck,
What is the point of being FIRST in all IMAO posts? I don’t understand the phenomenon at all.
Posted by NMUSpidey at February 22, 2006 04:23 PM

A history lesson: A long time ago, Frank J would keep to a vigorous writing schedule called “I’ll post when I feel like it.” His fans, upon seeing his writing would compete to be the first person to make a comment. This is kind of silly. I mean — would you see this sort of thing anywhere else. ?

President Bush. And that concludes my speech. Any questions?
Helen Thomas: FIRST!!!
President: What is your question?
Helen: Nothing. I’m FIRST! I raised my hand FIRST!
President: Do you have a question.
Helen: No, I just think you should stop killing sweet innocent Iraqi babies.

Why do trolls bother with us? We know how lame we are already, why do they waste their breath?
Posted by spacemonkey

I’ve never understood why people feel they can insult us. We write to entertain ourselves. Most of us don’t take ourselves too seriously, except for Frank who walks around yelling, “Worship me!”. Come to think of it — that’s just not right.
**
How do I keep the stupid cats from being scared of my new dog Rowdi?
Posted by Frank J.

Dogs have a strong sense of smell. It’s very important that your cats smell like something a dog likes. Try covering them in ketchup.
**
Dr. Duck, How retarded does someone have to be to think humans are causing global warming? And just what is wrong with global warming anyway? Might help Denver get to host the Super Bowl one day.
Posted by PaleoMedic

Personally, I’m hoping for more global warming. If it floods, I have property in Arizona that would become beachfront land! I’ll call it Otisberg — or Duckyland. I’m not sure. It’s a good plan. Actually — it’s super.
**
Dr. Duck,
Would it be morally or legally wrong to spray Rowdi with catnip and the cats with rabbit scent for entertainment purposes? If, it is, would it be okay to do just the catnip part?
Posted by MDL

One word: Ketchup.
**
Dear recent convert to the Religion of Peace (TM), will those 72 virgins be wearing burkhas, because if they are, that will be no fun at all.
Posted by motopolitico

Technically speaking, we’re not even sure if the virgins are female. But I’m hoping. I keep thinking it’s some sort of evil trick: Like I’ll kill Laurence Simon and when I get to Allahworld (or whatever it’s called) I’ll get virgins, but then they want me to meet their parents, get a job, bathe. Stuff like that.
**
On a island there is a man who is a barber; this barber shaves all and only those men in the village who do not shave themselves. Question: Does the barber shave himself?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony

Oh wait. I saw this in a movie. The barber is a kid right? But he doesn’t know he’s dead? And then Bruce Willis kills him again.
Note to self: See more movies. And get a haircut.
**
Dr. Duck,
I’m watching Jean-Luc Godard’s weirdas hell classic, “Alphaville.” How can I use this information to get chicks?
Belloq
Dr. Duck,
Please disregard my earlier question on Alphaville. I now know I’m a total nerd and will never get chicks other than by mail.
My replacement question is: what is the difference between libertarians and Neo-cons?
Belloq

Grasshopper: I believe you have just made that transition.
**
< Continue reading ‘The Answers’ »

In the Mail

Since I’m a very important person, I get sent free stuff in the mail (I even have a PO Box now which I call my “Free Stuff Because I’m Important Box”). More often than not, I don’t do anything with it… especially books. Luckily, a publisher sent me an e-mail asking if it would be okay to send me books and saying I’d be under no obligation to even mention them.
Coo’.
So now I have Menace in Europe : Why the Continent’s Crisis Is America’s, Too by Claire Berlinski which will be available to unimportant people like you on February 28th. I had it sitting around for about a week now, but I finally sat down and read the press release and the first couple pages this morning as I had my coffee. The first chapter was entitled “Europe on Five Dollars a Day and a Flamethrower” which was a good start. Apparently, the author is an American who has spent a lot of time abroad (especially in Europe) and the book is about how European Muslims are a growing threat and that Europe’s culture is not helping (and, when she says Europe, she means Western Europe). Early on, Berlinski predicts that another attack will occur in America soon and that the perpetrators will be Muslims from Europe.
Well, the first few pages have enticed me to read more. I don’t know very much about Europe other than broad generalization (e.g. the French like to surrender and don’t bathe), and the writing style of the book is quite entertaining while promising to be quite educational. I’ll tell you as I read more (or if I end up getting bored).
Yay to free books I may or may not read!

An IMAO tribute to African-American History Month

Q: When James Brown sang Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag, was the bag paper or plastic?

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Can’t Have Just Anybody Reading Me

Michelle Malkin is back up and running, and now you can see posts from her favorite twenty blogs thanks to Technorati. I’m not on that list, as Malkin wants to keep the humor of IMAO to herself. I’m the same way; the funniest things I’ve ever written I don’t post but instead printout and hide the printout so only I will ever have read it.
This reminds me; I need to get a blogroll up on IMAO again… or maybe separate blogrolls for each IMAO author. This time, it will be more exclusive… in fact, the greatest honor any blog could have is being on the IMAO blogroll. Less people will be honored with that than who won the Nobel Prize!

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I’m the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they’re worried that Japanese will riot and burn down Hello Kitty stores or something.
Anyway, today it’s Frisky the Fluffball:


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)