Archive of entries posted on 3rd February 2006
Illoogle
(A Filthy Lie)
Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit’s mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.
Like this one, for example:
From: Glenn Reynolds – Blogospheric Overlord
To: Those who will someday kneel before me
Now that Google has cast aside its foolish “core belief” of “don’t be evil“, I’ve been able to partner with them to bring you:
ILLOOGLE!™
A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.
With the power of Illoogle™, you’ll have access to:
Pup-A-Mule – Tired of risking your loved ones’ lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.
Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.
Sacra-Hobo – Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master’s need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it’s not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.
Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.
Mo-ha-ha-ha-med – Live in a country that’s caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don’t let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can’t see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!
Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.
CommieTruth.com – Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it’s at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it’s safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You’ve probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?… that’s what I thought… you just keep your yap shut, little man.
Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!
You’ll also find:
Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed – Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)
Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:
ILLOOGLE!™
What’s The Big Deal?
I Am a Great Thinker If Nothing Else
This reminds me, should the principle of using irrational violence to discourage violence be called the “Frank J. Principle” or the “Nuke the Moon Principle.”
Also, I need to update that page’s template and probably date it for reference. Man, I wrote that way back when I was getting only 3 unique visits a day… and two of them were me.
Friday Catblogging
Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Today, it’s a two-fer: Nardo the Orange and Piper the Crazy:

If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo and Piper are… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)
Chris DeBurgh was right: Don’t pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side
TOP SECRET
CONVERSATION ABOARD Z.O.G. SCHLOMO GOLDBERG
(SECRET ISRAELI NUCLEAR SPY SUB)
CAPTAIN: Are our missiles ready to launch against Mecca, Medinah, Cairo, Damascus, Tehran, and Southfield Hills?
FIRST MATE: Aye aye, Captain.
THUD
CAPTAIN: What was that?
FIRST MATE: Heck if I know. But our hatch doors are damaged.
CAPTAIN: Return to base at once.
FIRST MATE: Shouldn’t we fix the hatches and fire the missiles?
CAPTAIN: Of course not. I’m out of horseradish for my gefilte fish.
FIRST MATE: Aye aye, Captain.
CONVERSATION ENDS
DESTROY TRANSCRIPT UPON RECEIPT