Very soon, Canada will allow thousands of baby seals to be hunted down and killed. Singer and activist Sir Paul McCartney, is working to draw attention to this situation. We here at IMAO aren’t just about writing tasteless jokes, unbalanced viewpoints, and cheap thrills: We also do a podcast.
There’s a very important reason (beyond recreation) why the Canadian government allows the thinning of these herds. If left to their own devices (and seals do indeed have devices hidden somewhere) these seals would grow at such an alarming rate that eventually, you’d have to face the most dreaded of all realities — redrawing voting districts.
With that said, IMAO presents the ultimate Baby Seal Killing FAQ
Is it wrong to kill a baby seal?
Of course it is. With the allotted amount set at 320,000 dead seals there’s no excuse for bagging just one.
No, I mean morally. Is it wrong?
Don’t fool yourself. If these seals had half a chance, they’d not only kill you — they’d eat your liver and drink it down with a bottle of Seal Chianti.
I would feel bad whacking these seals repeatedly until they died.
Are you talking about repetitive stress syndrome?
No. That moral thing again.
Sigh. Not all of the seals will die. Just the ones chosen by nature to not move on. After repeated whacking, some of these seals will evolve a thick exoskeleton (which brings good money on the black market) others will evolve faster flippers, and in some cases, will develop a mutant growth in the shape of a civil rights attorney.
Why kill them?
Anything with a chance to become an attorney deserves to die.
Is there any hope for these little Canadian seals?
Some of them do manage to sneak into America where they apply for amnesty.
Then what happens?
We keep the ones that have necessary job skills, like playing Yankee Doodle Dandy on the horns. Unfortunately, more and more those jobs are being taken my Mexican Illegal Seals who do the job Canadians Seals won’t do.
After I went on the seal hunt last year — I think I felt guilty. What should I do?
Many times guilt is confused with the common head cold. I would suggest that this year you bundle up. Try wearing fur.
You told me that last year — and they ended up confusing me for a seal.
Oh yeah. We thought you looked familiiar. Anyway -Who wears seal fur to a seal bashing? That is sooo Last Years Republican Convention. But it does bring up a point — Safety. Be careful you’re not bashing another human being. That would be wrong. The correct noises to listen for are:
1. Urrgh
2. Ooogh.
3. “I’m a Lawyer”.
You might be hitting the wrong creature if you hear things like,
1. “ooch”
2. “ouch”
3. “But I performed at the Super Bowl.”
Can you cook seal?
I don’t know. We just do it for the killin’. Besides — cookin’ is Woman’s work. So we wouldn’t know.
What do you do with a seal once you kill it?
We don’t know. Leave it there and keep killing.
What’s the silliest thing you ever heard done with a Canadian Seal?
Last year, a couple from Florida took one home and expected it to get along with their cats.
Are there any other advantages to killing these baby seals?
Sure, it’s an athletic activity. It helps you work out your muscles, increase your heart rate and lower cholesterol (Note: this statement not evaluated by the FDA)
What would it take to make seal bashing a legitimate Olympic sport?
If you were the typical Olympic viewer — it would take more ruffled shirts.
Or people with little brooms running in front of the seals — or is that behind?
If you’re Bryant Gumbel seal bashing wold only be a real Olympic sport if it had more black athletes.
How could we make Bryant happy?
Kill just the white seals.
You talked me into it. I’d like to go up to Canada and take a Seal Beating Vacation? How do I set up a tour?
You can book a local tour operator. Or you can contact the people at Disney Vacations.
How do I know the tour operator isn’t some crazed activist that’s going to hijack me?
Most tour operators will send a car to pick up you at the airport. You’re only in trouble if your driver is Ted Kennedy. And Dick Cheney is riding shotgun.
Would it stop the killing if Hollywood made more films about this?
Hollywood tried — but they couldn’t find any seals that were gay.
**
We hope that this guide has been informative. Hardly any seals were harmed in the making of this post. If you’d like to stop the senseless killing of these seals please send cash to IMAO headquarters and we’ll think about doing something.
Yes, we are awful. That’s why you can’t stop coming back again and again.
That reminds me, anybody want to go clubbing tomorrow night?
“Let’s Go Clubbing”
That would have made a great post title!
//You’re only in trouble if your driver is Ted Kennedy. And Dick Cheney is riding shotgun. //
Laughing in seal noises( AR AR AR ) and clapping my flippers. Rocks as usual RWD!! Bravo!!
Q: What’s a baby seal’s favorite drink?
A: Canadian Club on the rocks.
I think the seals should grow scary fangs and gang up on the hunters and beat THEM with bats!! They’re so cute! Canadians, sheesh.
Baby seals look a lot like bratwurst with hair. I’m sure you could trim the hair off and grill it with some beer.
Two seals walk into a club…
Thank you, I’m here all week.
Excuse me, Mr. seal-clubber guy, I have a couple more questions. While it’s OK to club the little baby seal for its fur, is it also OK:
1) to club Paula Abdul when we see her “seal-clapping” on American Idot?
and
2) to club the singer Seal for making really sucky records?
So I do a search on ‘the club’ to find out more. The first hit is ‘The Club: Gay men’s health club and spa’. Location: Florida. Hmmm….
While in Florida a couple years ago we visited Sea World and took a trip on the Arctic Excursion to get away from the heat. The attraction exits into the souviner shop, which kind of rubbed my wallet the wrong way, and there right in the middle of the floor was a huge bin of fake baby seals. I have no problem with fake baby seals per say but these had no clubs as accessories. Naturally I inquired at nearly the top of my lungs where the clubs were that go with the seals. I expected the dirty look from my wife but not the entire shop. I feel we must do something to bring baby seal bashing back into the mainstream. Frank can you help???
Never feel bad about killing baby seals, they wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to you.
Try wearing fur. HAH!
Anybody up for a Canadian club sandwich?
One year they had a bunch of PETA people go up there and spray paint those little guys with red paint so you couldn’t sell the fur. The only problem was it made it so much easier for the polar bears to see them and “chow down”. They were eaten by the thousands.
They ‘saved’ them.
I can’t find any recognizable seals here, other than Navy SEALS, with whom I’m definitely not going to mess. There are lots of lawyers, however; I’m going clubbing tonight.
Cheeseball… that just bumped Moonbeams great Satire posts about PETA into the realm of possibility! Don’t kill a good site man! heh.
Clubbing sounds inefficient. How about the Steam Roller of Doom. Whacks seals with tragic efficiency, makes sure their fur can’t be sold, and if done right, from space it will look like crop circles.
Seal curling? Sign me up!
Although the previous post were LOL funny, I wish this annual seal harvest would stop.
Maybe if the Navy Seals would do one of their exercises at the same time as the hunt, and use real bullets and really sharp knives on the hunters (as well as large clubs with spikes in them) this nasty little scene would stop being so much fun for The Big Bad Testosterone Depleted, Lace Panty wearing, Hunters who go up against the crazed, vicious, homicidal BABY Seals.
I am in favor of hunting mind you, but this isn’t hunting it’s a massacre. How much talent or skill does it take to club to death something that can’t even run from you. I wonder if these characters are married and if they got their wives by clubbing them over the head and carrying them back to their caves. What keeps the women from leaving- brain damage from the cracked skull.
That what I call a real MAN? Be still my heart.
Seanmhair:
Excellent point – and very nicely stated. I agree on your point of this being a massacre.
RWD
P.S. Thanks for complimenting our lace panties.
Come on, guys, this is just wrong. I mean clubs? I’d prefer battle hammers, axes, swords…heck, this would make great practice for an SCA enactment of a Viking Raid! Even better if there were PETA memebers and attorneys mixed in! All for the glory of Thor and Odin! ARRRHHH!
Is clubbing seals worse than clubbing rabbits like they do in Idaho to keep them from eating the crops? We used to call it the “bunny bash”.
If we’re not supposed to use the amimals, why are they covered in leather?
And, if we’re not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
To club, or not to club, that is the question. I’ll probably not partake. Last year I got fur and blood in the lock, and it was hard to get the club back on the steering wheel. Also you can’t protect the car when you’re clubbing.
PS: The contraction ‘you’re’ is dumb. Who makes these things?
seanmhair-
This isn’t sport hunting. These people are doing it to make a living. It sounds like hard work.
Sport hunting is more fun, and we eat what we kill. My dog would eat seal, but I wouldn’t.
“The correct noises to listen for are:
1. Urrgh
2. Ooogh.
3. “I’m a Lawyer”. ”
You forgot:
“sacre bleu!”
Very, very funny! A mix of Groucho, Bob and Ray, and Russell Kirk. Oh Heck, throw S. J. Perlman and Hayek in too.
Stop Clubbing Baby Seals!!!
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=472
heh heh heh
Now THAT is one cool t-shirt.
A duck advocating the murder of innocent seals?
This is an outrage!
For my daugther’s first Christmas, I got her a stuffed baby harp seal and a whiffle bat. My wife was not amused. I kept telling her, “she’s got to figure out how the world works, why not on Christmas?”
Gents, especially newly-married ones with very young children: do not do this.
If the seals PETA painted red were eaten by polar bears, PETA still won. PETA doesn’t give an airborne activity about animals. As long as the indigenous Canadians economically dependant on the seals get shafted it’s all good.
Same thing with their protests at the circus. All about making sure kids don’t enjoy themselves; not about the poor unfortunate elephants.
While we are on topic, I would really like to do some partying with those Indians in SF who like to harpoon whales.
I don’t know if it would be as enriching as clubbing a baby seal, but it would certainly be an enjoyable hunt.
ummm, one of us is a woman and knows lots about cooking. but apparently i don’t count. 🙁
For all those of you attending this year, this will be the official shirt of the Seal Hunt
Not funny and of poor taste.
Conservatism doesn’t equal cruelty in my opinion.
But that’s just a ‘delicate’ European speaking.
Clubbing seals is so agrarian. At least move into the industrial age and harvest them with a threshing machine.
Frank Zappa advocated the lead-filled snowshoe for whipping on baby seals…..
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank-zappa/56566.html
As the other poster indicated clubbing is way ineffienct,,,,I say .204 with a 6×24 IRC Prop yourself up at a comfortable bench, have fun all day…less blood….quicker kills….less fur damaged—–everybodys a winner….’cept the seals?
WK
You also have to realize that many people in Newfoundland and Labrador have a subsistance existance. The income from harvesting seals may be the only cash they see all year.
Besides. Seal flipper pie tastes great!
Put it in the IMAO Podcast or I’ll put it in mine. Great Stuff! Sent by Glenn.
Wow. These are some hilarious observations. I love our commenters.
You’ll get no argument from me saying this stuff is cruel – but it’s not us clubbing these baby seals.
Unless I can call Disney Vacations…
There is an RPG called Kingdom of Loathing in which one of the classes you can choose is Seal Clubber.
RightWing Duck,
Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate it!
PS I was just guessing about the lace. Thanks for the conformation, thought and… watch out for chaffing
Sara K.
You always matter to the ones you love and who love you back.
I ♣ Baby Seals
(weak, the Club glyph doesn’t work :/)
Sarah –
Can you cook seal? Of course! Baby seal is “the veal of the sea!”
You can even get nifty t-shirts with that slogan and a cool graphic of a baby seal just moments away from getting whacked with a bat!
Delicious Baby Seal – The Veal of the Sea
I know it’s sick, (I know,I know!) but I laughed all the way through the post and the comments. I’m worried about myself. You all should be worried, too. The scariest part-I’ll be checking in tomorrow to add more anxiety to my life…
“the allotted amount set at 320,000”
Man…how stupid are you? A FAQ with wrong infomation!!!!
The correct number is 325,000.
Get it right next time.
Would that be the new Ruger or the venerable Remmie 700? The Remmie is my personal favorite, but 4225 fps on the Ruger .. damn!
I think I need to start a chain of nightclubs & call it “Club Seal”. I just need some clever new seal-ish names for already existing drinks.
Whaha, these comments crack me up 😀
But on a more serious level, seals are usually shot and then clubbed (to make sure they are dead). The hakapik has two “edges” like a hammer. First you hit with the blunt end and then you drive the pointy end into the base of their skull. It may look cruel but it is very effective.
Check this website for clearing up any myths:
http://odin.dep.no/odin/engelsk/norway/environment/032091-991010/index-dok000-b-n-a.html
Besides, babyseals taste excellent! Way better than whale.
How do baby seal smoothies compare to puppy smoothies?
Sounds like you’ve got this expedition pretty well under control. There is one thing you’re forgetting though: Your walrus oosik baby seal club. Yes, I said oosik — that’s eskimo for “penis bone”. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? Well, I’m not. This baby is 57 cm-long and weighs 2-1/2 pounds.
And now you know why the stately walrus wears that sly smile.
For those who suggest shooting the seals to clubbing them, let me remind you that bullets cost MONEY, whereas a pretty good club can be picked up in a junkyard for a couple of bucks and be reused over and over and over….
Why is it that most things in life water down to the size of somethings penis ( no offense meant, just an observation, is this a man thing?)
The worst part is when the seal clubbers come to Whacking Day. They are far more experienced and get the most snakes.
I think I’ve got it, a way to stop the senseless slaughter of Baby Seals. Let’s send Planned Parenthood up to Canada to distribute Birth Control devises to Female seals and Condoms to Male seals, at the beginning of mating season. Later they can return with Vets who could provide on sight, late term abortions for those seals who couldn’t bother to use protection, as well as counseling for them and their partners.
That should take care of any unwanted baby seals. This program could be extended to Rabbits et al.
After all dead is dead, and except for the lack of fur this is a win-win situation. The seals get Planned Parenthood and we get them out of the way for at least a few months( maybe they’ll take PETA with them as translators-George Clooney could make the movie). If only they could take doctors like Kansas’ George Tiller with them and lose him. What a wonderful daydream.
True story: There was a guy on my plane to Detroit yesterday with a polo shirt on with a giant “PeTA” logo on it.
I actually contemplated downing the aircraft – figuring it might be worth the 60 lives, including my own to snuff out this hippie.
But then, I realized he’s getting off in Detroit. He’s less likely to survive a visit there than me figuring out how to down the plane.
Note to our viewers: turning on your phone/PDA GPS system in midair won’t bring down a jet.
On the positive side, I now know that they fly at 449MPH at 29,000 feet. So I got THAT going for me….
….which is nice.
“Why is it that most things in life water down to the size of somethings penis ( no offense meant, just an observation, is this a man thing?)”
Uhh…, yes! the penis definitely IS a “Man thing”
seanmhair displays a lovable naivete…
No dear, not naive, just a tad sarcastic. Still, speaking of said organ, check out this link http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-ouch17.html. It’s an article about a man who cut off his own penis and threw it at police. How drunk or high do you have to be to do something this ridiculous. Did he think is was going to explode or (no this is definitely a super highway I am NOT going to drove on 😉
This is a STUPID man thing;(
Dearest Duck,
Thank you for this most interesting and entertaining post. I don’t know when I have had this much fun ( on the internet.) I just wanted you to know you are appreciated 😉
No, no, NO! Send Planned Parenthood after PETA menbers and get them to stop breeding! Then we club in peace. It’s a win-win-win!
Check out the last line of this story and you will see how bad things have gotten – I knew it would happen sooner or later.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060316/ap_on_re_eu/ireland_shamrocks_1
I’ve never worn a shamrock. I wouldn’t want to kill a plant just to wear it,” she said. “It’s one of saddest things we do, killing plants just to look at them.”
http://www.beataseal.com/
The post and most of the comments win the seal of approval.
Hey, someone had to say it…
It turns out that there’s a term for that state of near-terminal cuteness that baby animals have (and baby seals have in spades.)
It’s “fubsy.”
As in, we get so upset about people clubbing baby seals because they’re so fubsy, they’re so kawaii, something so cute should never die!
I’d be interested to see if people got upset about clubbing, say, baby vultures.
Here is another idea…if the PETA freaks care so much, let’s just tell them that there would be a lot more room for baby seals (and baby animals in general) if there wern’t so many people. PETA cares so much, the best thing they can do for the baby animals is to gather every singe PETA member in a circle to commit mass supuku, therefore making much more room for baby animals. There would be no shortage of us Ronin to voulenteer as their seconds (lopping their heads off to make sure the job is complete).
World – PETA idiots = 😀
I was in a grocery store with my wife and we were looking for laundry detergent. I saw a bag of detergent that had the picture of a white baby seal. I held it up for my wife to see (she was at the other end of the aisle) and yelled “How about this one? It’s good. I hear you can’t beat it with a stick.”
A woman about halfway down the aisle between us shot me a glare like I was Hitler and Dahmer rolled into one.
Those Sea-World stuffed baby fur seals would make great slippers … replace the eyes with little X’s, cut a hole on top to stick your feet in, and maybe some drippy red dye around the “wound”.
The real thing would also make great slippers … more work … be sure to save the brains to properly tan the fur.
Those Sea-World stuffed baby fur seals would make great slippers … replace the eyes with little X’s, cut a hole on top to stick your feet in, and maybe some drippy red dye around the “wound”.
The real thing would also make great slippers … more work … be sure to save the brains to properly tan the fur.
Tom,
If said hippie is ejected from the plane at 449 mph at 29,000 feet:
a. How long before he hits the ground?
b. What is the impact velocity?
c. What’s the charge if you get caught? Littering or air pollution?
Talking about hippies being ejected out of planes: I see a potential hazard as other planes may hit the hippie and get hippie-goo all over the windscreen, thus making the landing more difficult. But the chances of another plane hitting the hippie is pretty slim so I’d said go ahead. Eject more hippies. If there are any protests from hippies, just claim to be the “airplanes of peace”, and the hippies will protest against the US government instead, because the US government means to steal the planes’ jet fuel.
I object to having dead hippies thrown into my yard … even from 20,000 feet.
Do you see any signs in my yard that say dead hippy storage?
You kill it, you eat it … or atleast take your trophy and dispose of the carcass properly.
not even close to funny,
when you write about stuff like this.